All The Things Come Back At Me

2, 3 days back then, I always have a little conversation with him. He was one that I used to fall in love deeply. Even just for a while.

He's a nice guy, and the most handsome guy that I used to be together with. It's a shame, just to let everything go. But it's a must, because I want to choose the best for me. It's not going to work if I just consider other's feeling only. It's the matter of my whole life.

Actually, I'm worried, and sad when I see him gloomy and not feeling good. He used to be a happy person, and always teasing people, with his words and charm. He used to be friendly. But, after many things happen to him, I feel guilty because I'm also contribute to that.

I hope, he will be as what he used to be. I want to see him smiling again.

Rasa Seronok Bila Adik-Adik Makin Besar

Aku ada dua orang adik yang dah habis sekolah. Seorang dah habis STAM, dan seorang lain SPM. Seorang dah dapat tawaran untuk join (ustaz) tentera dan akan mula latihan di Port Dickson minggu depan. Dan seorang lagi dah pun mula kursus jururawat di Damansara. Bila adik-adik dah besar ni, rasa macam dah tua pula. Hehe..

Aku? Aku mungkin akan repeat program degree aku. Exam baru ni sucks habis. Mungkin aku akan mula kerja lagi lewat dari adik-adik aku. Apa boleh buat, dah nasib badan!!

Got New Stuffs

I ordered 4 cassettes last week, and two arrived today, which are Dio - Dream Evil and Metal Church - Blessing In Disguise. I'm ripping Dream Evil just now, the first part when my radio got problem and the tape is stucking between the roller in the player. It happened to my Motley Crue before. Bengong punya radio.

Well, I'm not good in ripping cassettes, but I feel guilty if I don't post any album anymore. I'll do it slowly eh? And sorry if the sound's not really good as it is supposed to be.

Need Hangers!!

Suddenly I realise, aku ada banyak juga baju yang sepatutnya digantung, but due tu insufficient place, aku banyak lipat. But then, my wardrobe macam dah sendat, and I need to rearrange everything. And at my mom's home, my clothes are as much as many as I have now.

Well, not all are my clothes. Some are my friends', and Mak's and Abah's, and mak and pak sedara, and even from my younger brothers and sister. Mine have as old as 9 years old, saiz aku tak banyak berubah, dan tahan lama bila aku yang pakai. Aaa.. some of my track suits and t shirts rosak bila dapat kat adik-adik aku, and mak. So, it's not the fault of how old the clothes are, or how cheap they are, or how long you haven't got new clothes that you have to wear the same clothes more regularly, it's the matter of taking care of your items.

Emm.. maybe another reason is adik-adik aku growing rapidly. Three of them are larger (taller and bigger) than me, and one is catching me, another one.. well, we'll see in five years time.

I'm sleepy, and my room is such in a mess, and clothes bertimbun atas tilam. Arghhhh!!!!

I think I'll drop by at Pound Stretcher tomorrow after exam, and Sue Rider. Got to check the new stock. Hoho..

P/S : Sue Rider is a charity shop, selling used clothes, toys, novels, videos and home accessories.

Awalnya Tutup...

Aku, tak sangka pula Sainsbury tutup awal seawal jam 5 pada hari Ahad. Ingatkan, tutup pukul 8. Disebabkan kononnya mengidam nak makan trifle, sanggup jalan jauh sampai ke sana. Sampai-sampai, dah tutup. Cedihhhh...

Tapi akhirnya ke Chicken Cottage, got myself milkshake. Bolehlah, asalkan manis dan sejuk. I got 7up, lagi sikit nak habis, and almost lost the gas (dah dekat seminggu buka, it's 2L), tapi kalau buat sejuk, rasanya hilang juga rasa mengidam tu sikit. Maybe I need ice cream, or creamy yogurt. Or iced drinks. It's hot and dry nowadays.

Oh, I like using the term mengidam, because it sounds like I really want that thing badly.

And, I did a bit of shopping today. Got myself Iron Maiden, WASP (or Motley Crue, dah lupa), and... apa tah, dah lupa. Ahh.. Dio. All cassettes. And the delivery charge is a bit more expensive than the items themselves. If, I can find the same item in store or car boot sale, with about the same price, kan bagus. But hope the albums okay-lah. Because, I got this Thunder In The East cassette that I bought online, and when it arrived I noticed that the head tercabut, and I got no glue to stick it back, and I don't want to bother to send it back and claim my money sebab bukannya susah nak repair but not familiar what brand of glue should I buy, jadi sampai sekarang tak repair and dengar lagi. Well, I got the mp3 version, tapi listening to the original one is better, at least for me.

Since yesterday, I watch TV so much. I like this one program, showing how cops work. And Friends. I laughed. Well, I haven't laugh for months. Hehe..
And I watch this shop TV, jual hangers. Clothes hangers. Not that I want to buy, but tiba-tiba rasa semangat nak kemas almari. I like being organised, but I'm not. Well, at least I tried. I also bought same type of hangers, dululah. But, the wardrobe still macam tak menepati piawai citarasa aku.
I'm sucks at being organised, and tidy, but a bit good in showing off. Haha..

oh yes, tadi ke Chicken Cottage, this guy at the counter, macam not really good in English. Well, I'm not good either tapi setakat nak order makanan, bukannya sesuatu yang trivial. I need to repeat several times for him to understand what I want to buy. Tapi, taklah kisah pun.
But in the end he told me that I speak too slow, he barely heard me. Hu??? But then I said sorry to him, and he's actually a nice guy. Okay, salah aku sebab kutuk dia awal-awal tadi, even kutuk dalam hati.
But, I really never realise that I speak too slow. Maybe, because the weather is dry, or maybe I don't drink enough water nowadays, or maybe because I haven't speak for weeks with human directly that aku tak tahu nak adjust volume level yang sesuai untuk bercakap. Haha..

I need to do some cleaning, and taking a bath. Tomorrow's the last paper, and I might get up late.

I got to cool my 7up first.

Need To Clear My Mind, For The Last Time

I was not feeling well due to this menstrual thing, and me was sinking down, deep into my own self. I just felt that, people takes for granted at me, and never ever loves me.

Friends are friends, they come and go whenever they wants. And family, never be at my side whenever I need them. Such a lonely person I am. But, the truth, they don't even know how to approach me. Couldn't say much, I didn't grow up in front of their eyes.

I always want to be beautiful, smart and nice, so that everyone will like me. But I am not like that. I'm too skinny, not know how to dress beautifully, and behave well. Always mind my own business. I am weird.

Some guy, that I know, when they talk about relations between men and women, the first thing that comes up is sex. Yes, it is true marriage is the way to allow men and women to have sex legally. But, is it too important, than to love your spouse? I feel pity for women, to be their wives.

I know, Abang, as a man, sure wants to have sex with me. It's normal, and I found out myself to have the same desire too. But I know, that's not the main point of getting married. I love him, and I want to live with him. Care, and embrace him, it is more than having sex. And I will not forever young. One day, I will become old, and weak, and unattractive. And if my husband, loves me because I am beautiful, then I will not forever beautiful. But if he really loves me, even I am spoilt, or sick, he still loves me with all his heart. I hope, there's still true love in this world.

Now, I have doubt in my heart. Not because of his deed, but because I think too much of what of my mate said, he's a guy. Wanting a certain trait is not wrong, but I am thinking about myself, because I am not 'gebu-gebu'. If all men in this world are like that, what will happen to us women?

It's harsh, too harsh.

Mari Main Pijak Pijak

Satu metafora, bagi menganalogikan satu peristiwa dan perasaan, tak ramai yang boleh mengerti. Nak salahkan orang juga, tak kira. Bahasa itu satu cermin diri, dan kata-kata satu medium ekspressi diri. Satu ekspressi, kita meletakkan satu suasana yang seumpama cerita.

Malangnya, setiap manusia punya versi hidup yang berlainan. Umpama biru teluki yang beberapa orang bertekak antara biru dan hijau. Begitulah.

Memijak bunga-bunga yang berada di jalan mati.
Jalan mati yang ada bunga-bunga itu adalah harapan.
Aku yang memijak bunga-bunga yang berada di jalan mati, yang aku umpamakan sebagai harapan.
Maknanya, aku memijak harapan itu, kah?
Tidak, maksudnya, aku memijak keindahan yang ada pada harapan itu. Aku pijak kerana keindahan itu palsu. Begitukah?

Aku tak mahu mengikut harapan yang diberi padaku. Kerana aku tahu itu jalan mati. Dan mereka menabur bunga-bunga janji yang hidupku akan berseri seperti dulu, jika aku mengikut jalan itu.
Aku tak mahu, dan mereka tak faham.

Ini realiti, dude. Harapan kau, dan keindahan yang kau suka, bukan sama dengan aku.

Sudah, jangan bunuh diri aku lagi. Sudah letih aku cipta aku yang baru.

Today Is Bright!!

Sangat terang, tapi masih lagi a bit windy, seems to be a very nice day to go out. I bet Bute Park is full of people right now, playing football, having a walk with cute little doggy, watching kids running over the field, jogging. Bandar pun ramai orang.

Tadi ke pasar, get myself a piece of salmon fillet and tuna steak. Nak buat sushi!! Tapi, nasinya salah buat, maka terlebih manis daripada masam. I left some for my housemates. I don't think they'll eat raw fish.
By the way, the fishmonger is cute!! I guess he's around 15 (well, I look 14 :b). He's blond, wearing a hat, and always smiling. Hehe...lama rasanya tak mengorat orang. Muehehe..
It's rare for me to be attracted (a while) to white (and younger) guy.

I noticed lately, I haven't read books for years. And last Wednesday, I browsed over Amazon, searching for any books, or novels. Then, I finally bought two books, which both are the complete works and stories of William Shakespeare's and Holmes'.I used to have them before, just selection of stories. But, I don't know where they go. Mak dah buang kot...

Reading is fun, as I remember it used to be. I used to have this book, which the language is something I believe, is old. About Tun Perak. Bahasa tunggang terbalik. Tapi dah hilang. Emm...mak dah buang juga kot......