Berdosanya Aku

I was accidentally found out something I wish I should know. But the thing that I found out really bothers me as it is related to someone that I know and love so much.

And unfortunately, I found myself to be so weak to go face to face to that person and talk. It's just because I committed the same thing, and I am still finding it is too hard to maintain myself restraining from committing that very thing, and now to talk about the same matter to another person?

You know, nobody is perfect. We want to perfecting ourselves. And some don't really care about that. Life's short, should enjoy them while you're still young, I'm not that goody-goody type of person so what?, and many more 'excuses' that are used to denying the fact that we did something wrong.

And in this modern world, everything seems to be have no limit. Everything. And it scares me because I am a kind of person who actually doesn't care.

And then I came across these verses in Surah Al-Furqan, their meanings are:

dan orang-orang yang tidak mempersekutukan Allah dengan sembahan yang lain dan tidak membunuh orang yang diharamkan Allah kecuali dengan (alasan) yang benar, dan tidak berzina; dan barang siapa yang melakukan demikian itu, nescaya dia mendapat hukuman yang berat, (68)
(yakni) akan dilipatgandakan azab untuknya pada hari kiamat dan dia akan kekal dalam azab itu, dalam keadaan terhina, (69)
kecuali orang-orang yang bertaubat dan beriman dan mengerjakan kebajikan; maka kejahatan mereka diganti Allah dengan kebaikan. Allah Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang. (70)

Reading the meaning of the verses, suddenly makes me cry. I felt like all the burdens that are crushing me, lifted. I felt..... Allah is so great. I always feel there is no hope for me to pay back of what I've done before. I felt helpless. I know He is the Most Forgiving, but a large lump inside me still doubting, because I know I am not truly turning over a new leaf. I still have the bad habits from the past which I still cannot get rid, and I am weak. I am very weak when it concern with feeling, wants and emotion.

And another thing that hits me, of how I am trying hard; not to skip prayers, read the Quran regularly, not to speak too much, do something that can make me forget about what-not, wear appropriately, and whatever I can do to make me close to Him to stop me to do the same thing over and aver again, but I'm not 100% success in doing so.

And what if another people who doesn't even have that sinful feeling, and doesn't really practicing religion faithfully; what should we do? What should I do?

And I don't know. I need to talk to someone. I really need to.

Anda Stress???

Pagi ini bermula lambat. Sekarang, sudah Zuhur. Tapi aku baru nak bersarapan. Tapi, tak kisahlah. Itu bukan perkara utama yang aku nak cakap.

Aku stress. Sebab tahu, jiwa aku ni makin hari makin lemah. Iman makin lama makin merudum. Solat entah ke mana, asyik tidur dan buat perkara yang tak sepatutnya. Semua ni bermula beberapa minggu lepas. Sejak assignment mula bertimbun.

And I was thinking that aku masih belum fit untuk menguruskan diri apatah lagi menguruskan orang lain. Masa belajar ini pun sudah rasa tak cukup masa dan tertekan untuk buat kerja rumah serta assignment. Kalau dah kerja nanti, masalah kerja, masalah pelajar, masalah kewangan, masalah dengan suami dan anak-anak, masalah rumah; bukankah lebih menyesakkan?

Maka apakah tidak reti-reti nak belajar walhal dah bertahun-tahun hidup membujang masih lagi tak pandai nak uruskan perkara yang mudah?

Dan masalah emosi serta mental hingga kini masih tak habis. Terkawal tu ada, kadang-kadang. Tapi masih tak cukup.

Dan bagaimana nak teruskan hidup andai dugaan yang sama sejak bertahun dulu sampai sekarang masih tak boleh nak tempuh?

Mati Kutu

Tak tahulah kutu siapa. Yang pastinya, bukan aku. Sebab makhluk tu dah lama tak hinggap dan bermastautin atas kulit kepala aku ni.

Aku ada SANGATTTTT banyak assignment dan homework yang perlu aku siapkan. Tapi aku tak mampu langsung nak buat satu apa pun. Word dah buka, buku dah buka, tapi masih tak dapat nak buat. Jiwa macam tak ada sekarang ni. Rasa macam..... nak buat sesuatu aktiviti fizikal yang tidak berkaitan langsung dengan tugasan aku ni. Tadi, aku dah ralit buat gelang (walaupun tak jadi), tapi bila dah tak jadi tu, aku rasa fade-up dan tolak tepi kit tu. Then aku nak kemas bilik. Tapi... what the??

Aku nak balik rumah.

Tak pun, at least jalan-jalan. Keluar dari maktab ni. Tak terasa pun suasana kondusif yang boleh meningkatkan tahap pembelajaran mahupun kesihatan mental pelajar di sini. Semuanya..... membebankan fikiran.

Bukannya nak enjoy, kena ada kelab malam ke, karaoke ke, konsert rock ke. Tapi.... suasana yang sebenarnya tenang, sunyi, segar (fresh dari hutan) ni pun, tak dapat nak datangkan ketenangan.

Tak ada adventure bak kata orang putih, dan orang yang tak putih tapi reti cakap orang putih.

Terasa macam nak travel dan menghabiskan duit.

'Fasa Pertama' Lawatan Kami

Sekarang sudah 10.27 malam. Kami semua masih lagi ada di tepi tol Sungai Besi, menunggu bas yang sedang dibaiki. Kami dah ada di sini sejak jam 8 lebih tadi, dan perlu tunggu lagi dua jam. Sangat menarik fasa pertama lawatan kami ni.

Dijangka, dalam jam 2 - 3 pagi nanti baru sampai Melaka. Doakan keselamatan kami, dan kejayaan lawatan ni.

Aku Telah Hilang

Sibuk buat aku lupa segalanya. Satu masa bila mula 'slipped', dah hilang pedoman, hilang aturan, hilang entah apa lagilah. Dan sekarang, nak gapai semula apa yang sepatutnya, dah jadi tak bersemangat, tak berkeinginan, tak berperasaan. Semuanya sekarang lebih banyak mengikut 'nafsu binatang' iaitu keperluan makan dan tidur saja. Yang lainnya, entah......

Jadilah hidup macam tak bertujuan. Bangun pagi, terkejar-kejar mandi dan gosok baju. Balik sekolah pula, sambung tidur pagi tadi. Jadi, apa yang aku dapat?

Nothing!

And I was thinking, is this what will happen bila dah mula kerja nanti?

But wait! Maybe sebab aku duduk rumah Mak. It's not just me. Even Bear yang super rajin tu pun jadi malas bila di rumah. Okay, best betul alasan ni.

Recently......

I feel lost. Tapi sekarang terasa kesempitan itu dah berkurang sikit. Kurang dah rasa sesak dan serabut dengan jiwa.

Jiwa yang kering, yang lalai, hanya membuatkan kita semakin lupa. Bila di saat diri terasa 'jahat', itulah saat yang paling penting dan bertuah, sebab Allah beri ilham pada kita untuk berperasaan seperti itu. Dan seterusnya kena usaha untuk kembali semula kepada Dia.

What if Dia biarkan saja kita leka? Contohnya, sekeliling kita bukan tak ada orang yang nasihat-menasihati, bukan tak ada majlis ilmu, bukan tak ada orang yang soleh. Tapi kita masih lagi ditampuk lama. Tak ada perubahan. Tak ada perasaan nak melakukan perubahan. Ataupun terasa diri sudah terlalu jahat, tak guna nak buat baik dah.

Di saat itu kitalah yang paling rugi, sebab Allah macam dah 'lupa' pada kita. Tapi kan, kalau baca entri ni, maknanya Allah masih peduli pada kita. So, jom muhasabah diri.

Protests

Sejurus selepas protes yang melanda di Tunisia dan Mesir, negara-negara Arab lain pun turut mengikut jejak langkah mereka. Masing-masing atas sebab yang sama; kuropsi. Akan tetapi, media perdana negara-negara tersebut mesti mengatakan pihak pembangkang ingin mencetuskan huru-hara dan mengganggu gugat keamanan negara. Dan kemudian mengatakan bahawa pembangkang itu dan pembangkang ini.

Dan tadi aku terbaca berkenaan protes di Bahrain. Media kerajaan mengatakan bahawa masyarakat Syiah yang terdiri lebih kurang 70% daripada populasi negara itu, ingin menggulingkan sistem raja yang berpegangan Ahli Sunnah Wal Jamaah yang memerintah negara itu.

Namun apabila dibaca dalam sumber alternatif lain, ternyatalah bahawa semuanya itu adalah pergerakan rakyat yang inginkan pemerintahan yang lebih tulus dan bebas korupsi, termasuklah polis yang menghisap darah rakyat tempatan dan bersifat ganas yang membuatkan rakyat takut untuk bersuara. Tidak ada langsung perjuangan sentimen-sentimen lain. Cumalah perjuangan untuk mendapatkan hak dan maruah sebagai seorang manusia.

Isolated

Terasa macam isolated sekarang. Well, keadaan itu biasa, cuma perasaan itu yang berbeza. Selalunya aku tak kisah.

Dulu, aku lebihkan kawan-kawan. And I put aside my family. Boleh saja nak utamakan dua-dua. Tapi aku tak boleh. I will go to the ones who I am fancy being with. And now, dah terbalik. But I think, that is the best. Friends itu perlu. But family adalah pilihan utama. Plus I have someone yang betul-betul makes me happy dan orang itu buat aku sibuk selain daripada kerja.

I talked with Mak, tentang perkahwinan. She seemed ready to have menantu right now. Well, as long as bukan aku yang mulakan tradisi. I am happy adik aku kahwin dulu. So, my parents tak ada alasan lagi untuk tangguhkan perkahwinan kami. Let me see, dah 2 tahun tertangguh. Plus, kalau nak tunggu sampai habis degree, aku dah 27, dia 31. Terlalu tua amat.

Dan untuk dapatkan restu ibu bapa itu sangat susah bila apa yang kita inginkan tak memenuhi kriteria keinginan mereka. Kena amat sabar.
Kalau tak dapat nak mengubah mereka, ubahlah diri sendiri.

Anatomy...........Pening!

Noticed that I've changed my profile photo again? I just think that photo suits me well. Hehe...

So, what about anatomy? I have a subject called Anatomy and Physiology this semester. My lecturer said, the things that we are learning is just the surface of what first year medic students are learning. Okay... so?

It happens that my first elective is Physical Education, so what I am learning now is important; first to get the degree, and second because I might need to teach PE other than Science in school. So, I think it is very essential subject. Plus, you can learn more about something which is out of our field.

But I happen to be not really good in memorizing things. I am usually clueless about this subject, plus last year's biology lesson was like hell and it can't help me at all now. So, when there is work to do, I'm always raging and in stress; I need to work harder than everybody else. It is not good for my health though; I'm always having severe headache now.

So Mak, I'm really not suitable to be a doctor. Hehe..

Old Pal

I was looking at some of my old friends profile. Most of them are doing great. I just have a short chat with my close friend in primary school, named Deborah Jancey. She is now in her final year in medicine, will soon be a doctor. No, I don't regret at all for not following Mak's wish of to be a doctor, because I don't want to. Yes, if it was destined for me in medical field, I just wish I can be a forensic, because that is what I initially want to be. But I think I better playing with numbers rather than human anatomy.

Other than her, another old friend, named Esther, also in her final year in medicine. She was among the best students in school during our time. Yeah, it was usually between Esther, Andri and me. Andri is now in the US. I'm not sure what she is doing now, but I know she is doing fine. It looks as everyone is fine, other than me. And they are still contacting each other. After primary school, I left to a school far away from them. I don't know what my feeling is now. Jealous, maybe. And regret.

But if I didn't go to Clifford, I might not meet all the great people that have been in my life; the Cliffordians, KYUEMians, friends in the UK, Firdaus, Amin, Asri, and the most important, Abang.

Allah's plan really is the best for me. Even though it seems that I'm left out now, but I've learnt a lot throughout this 20+ years. And I am what I am now. And I actually am doing fine too. Maybe I have too much different path compared to them, but it doesn't mean that I'm a loser isn't it?

I just hope we can be so close as we used to be.
I think I'll spend the rest of the night trying to remember my childhood moments. (^_^)

Sudah Masuk Disember

Masa cuti, dua minggu, rasa macam sekejap saja berlalu. What did I do these two weeks? Jogging, bersukan, menjahit, catching up with the three CSIs' series and House and The Biggest Loser Asia, sleep my heart out. And as usual, my actual plan for the holiday hanya berusik sikit saja. First is to complete my MQA filesssssss, and reading. I want, at least to finish reading the Muqaddimah by Ibn Khaldun, translated one of course. But I think the files completing is the most important one and I need to read the related books first to make the notes and the ISLs etc. It is like learning all of that again. It sucks actually. Who likes learning at the age of mine?

Talking about age, I am kind of tired of answering my grandma's questions of how old I am now and when will I get married. And once, she told me that I am old. I mean, not that I'm going to be already menopause at my wedding day. I'm not really that old yet.

And it is now December. And it will be 2011 in a month time. Masa berlalu sangat cepat kan? And I will be on my third semester. Sometimes I do miss the semesters in Cardiff Uni, masa memang tak sedar sedang berlalu, about 3 - 4 months for a semester? And now, even if the semesters are half longer, the work is triple, maybe four. It is tougher taking a degree in Malaysia, where little and sometimes nonsense things count. I hate it, but I love being here.

And now it is about a month before the break ends. And I need to work fast.

Now.

Mahu Jadi Seseorang Yang Lain

Aku, seorang manusia yang selalu berfikir, terlalu jauh dan selalunya terpesong, yang sering memilih yang negatif daripada positif, dan akhirnya memakan diri, dimana aku mengasingkan diri, menyalahkan diri atas segala sesuatu yang berlaku, hingga pada satu masa terasa diri tak layak untuk terus hidup.

Aku nak jadi seseorang yang lain. Seseorang yang tidak keterlaluan seperti aku sekarang. Seseorang yang kuat sedikit daripada aku sekarang. Seseorang yang positif.

Perlukah aku jadi hipokrit seolah-olah tiada apa yang berlaku? Bolehkah berpura-pura okay itu dikira sebagai hipokrit? Kenapa wujud istilah negatif ini sehingga sesuatu tindakan yang dikira boleh menyelamatkan nyawa dianggap sebagai sesuatu yang salah?

Tapi aku masih mahu jadi seseorang yang lain. Yang kuat hatinya, yang tabah, dan tidak ekstrimis. Aku mahu jadi orang biasa-biasa saja.

Sleepless Nights

Sangat penat. I really can't sleep, especially at night these few days. I can only sleep when I feel so tired to keep awake. And I startled at tiniest sound I heard. I don't know, maybe it is kind of phobia. But I guess I feel a lot better today.

Whatever it is, alhamduliLlah, everything seems fine now, and we just got one paper left next Monday. OOOOOOYYYEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Nak balik rumah. Cuti panjang. Elaun dah masuk. (^_^)

AlhamduliLlah.

I Don't Know What The Title Should Be~~

Kita cenderung melihat di sudut-sudut tertentu yang kita sendiri punya kepentingan. Al Hasil, sering kali kita dapati dorongan memakan makanan sunah lebih hebat diuar-uarkan berbanding dengan mengajak melaksanakan sunah-sunah yang lebih besar dan afdal.

“Ayah, jika minum susu kambing kita boleh jadi baik. Ini minuman sunah.”

“Tapi jangan hanya ikut sunah minum susu kambing sahaja, ikut sunah yang lebih utama daripada itu, “ balas saya.

“Apa dia?”

“Bangun solat Subuh, tinggalkan perkara yang sia-sia.”

“Makan kismis ini yang didoakan ini bagus ayah. Fikiran kita jadi tajam. Ini juga makanan sunah.”

Harsh, Am I?

As usual, I went back to Raub each time I got the chance. And as usual, if not Abah, Abang will fetch me.

So, as we reached home, Abah invited him in, just sit and watch tv, not even talk to each other except 'Tak kerja ke hari ni?', which then was me replying while pointing at his face 'Muka ni tak kerja? Orang cuti pun dia kerja, orang kerja apatah lagi.'

And during that time, I was talking to Kecik and just ignore him most of the time, until Abah said 'Pergilah buat air tu.' Then I was like 'Kena buat air ke? Abang nak air ke?' which then made Abah replied back 'Takkanlah dia nak cakap nak ke tidak.'

It was kind of funny, in a way we were asking Abang but not him answering the questions, while he was actually sit between both of us.
And a bit harsh, if I looked from my parents' point of view; well, maybe rude too. I mean, we got a guest in front of us, and he's my spouse-to-be; so it should be me to entertain him, at least bring him something to drink, but I didn't do anything about that. Well, never even think of that. And next, Mak told me to get nasi goreng for him, and I used an old, yellowish plastic plate to serve him, which got me scold from my mother especially. Hey, that's my favourite plate, so I'm sharing with him my favourites. But then, for mom, I didn't behave properly in front of people.

Exam Stress

I'm supposed to read about the coming paper but ended up reading one of the Harry Potter's books. I have no intention of studying when all I see are theories. Why should we memorize those theories since when teaching, we are suppose to apply the theories rather than listing the definitions, concepts and all? I mean, implication in class is the best question, or maybe opinions on how should we apply those theories in class to give up the full volume of the students' potential? Or maybe some 'high-level-thinking' type of questions which we need to analyse and make the best decision we could think of? Or describe a game which might in case helps a lot in presenting the topics to be taught rather than boring lectures?
I mean, questions which really give out new ideas and in a way exposing us to the real world of teaching.

But all I see are straight dull questions, which needing us to remember the facts despite of applying them.

Coretan Sebelum Tidur

Hari ni, aku rasa macam sedikit kosong. Cepat berlalu. Sakit kepala yang sekejap datang, sekejap hilang, hati yang mudah terusik, perbualan dengan kenalan lama, terbunuh cicak secara tak sengaja; semuanya rasa macam agak menyiksa jiwa.

Aku nak risau tentang exam yang akan datang, betapa banyak lagi yang aku tak baca lagi dan aku tak tahu langsung berkenaan apa, tapi aku tak mampu nak risau. Entahlah, better just read through the book; make the notes later sebab masa sudah suntuk, tambah dengan batuk dan sakit kepala ni, tak mampu nak buat semuanya on time.

Beginilah, bila sakit datang dalam keadaan yang tak terduga, masa kesihatan itu amat diperlukan, untuk lulus exam, demi untuk masa depan. Just pray to Allah, semoga diberi kesihatan, ataupun kemudahan melalui masa sempit ini, sebab Allah yang beri semua ni, He wants us to come closer to Him and pray to Him, remember Him all the time; He knows the best for us. Dan sakit ini juga adalah penebusan dosa-dosa lampau yang tak terkira banyaknya. Be positive kan? Siapa tahu kalau-kalau aku sihat, aku terlalu berfoya-foya thus menambahkan lagi dosa yang sedia ada ataupun menjadikan aku seorang manusia yang berhidung tinggi kononnya mudah sangat subjek ni aku boleh buat pejam mata je?

Semoga kita selalu dalam perlindungannya. Orait, mari kita tidur dan berehat. Esok banyak lagi yang perlu dikejar.

Kurang Sihat

Sejak pulang dari rumah pada hujung minggu yang lalu, aku rasa tak sedap badan. Kepala rasa berat, dan kalau boleh nak baring selalu. Tekak pun ada sikit loya. Okay, baru baik demam beberapa minggu yang lalu dah nak demam balik-kah?

Next week exam.

Bukan Sesuatu Yang Membahagiakan

Well, I believe I'm the most stupid person in class. Because I am totally lost, because of having no basic knowledge in certain subject, especially my major. Manusia manakah yang paling berkerut dahinya mendengar segala macam istilah dan bentuk-bentuk chemicals yang tak difahami langsung? Gua.

Seriously, I should ask to change the major subject to Maths, because I know that is my strength. Learning something is the second target in here; all are about doing the coursework and exam. And everyone already have strong basic in all the subjects, which they all learnt in their foundation year. And me? I'm left out.

I'm really not kind of biology and chemistry type of person. I said this lots of time before; I never learn biology before. And when I learnt it, it sucks. Because all already have basic and I have no idea of what is actually going on and I was just bantai and buat kesimpulan sendiri based on what I've read. And the same goes to chemistry which I am learning right now. It is double sucks from biology. That is number 3 in my whining list; after water and workloads in here.

I really feel like quitting this course. Tapi ada beberapa minggu saja lagi before end of semester, so just bear with it. And I hopefully next semester, which we will learn physics, I won't be in this state again, or I'll go nuts.

And what about the certain subject that the lecturer almost never got into class and we actually know nothing about the course and suddenly got news that this Thursday will be the exam? Okay, some minor but nasty words already come out my mouth.

Right, change the subject. What about water? We are doing great in here. We learn how to never kencing or berak for days, mandi is already something unimportant here. Or maybe we need to learn not to eat nor drink for weeks or months so that we need not to berak or kencing anymore. That will be great.

I never thought that this place is going to be like this. It is worst than my 4 years in Clifford, 10 to 5 years before.

I love this place is in Lipis. It is close to my parents house, and my spouse, but I don't like living in here. We got money, but it's being spent to something else, something that brings popularity. But we are suffering in here. Not just the students, but lecturers too. We can see, even if they never tell us. I just hope the next full 3 years will go away just like that. Well, I want to learn at least something during the period. But please make me feel that 3 years is nothing but just 3 days or 3 hours.

Segala-galanya menyakitkan.

I'm Pissed Off, Again.

Rasa serabut dan nak marah. Why, everything must be told last minute?

Oh please-lah. Gua dah serabut dengan air yang tak ada even nak kencing pun kena angkat air and bawa ke toilet, for weeks!! Last week air ada di tandas just for less than half a day! And this week tak ada air langsung. Really, I can't consider living like this. And last week I was on my period. And that was like hell angkat air sampai bertong-tong to wash the pad, at least twice a day. And it really pissed me off lalu depan rumah warden dan dengar mesin basuh tengah spin whereas we in here, in the same block got no water harap je ada mesin basuh.

I don't know why we have to face something like this. Plus with the last minute assignmentS, dengan silibus yang tak habis lagi dan the coming exam, tak hairan sampai ada orang histeria atau depression but I JUST HOPE NOBODY WILL KILL HIM(HER)SELF.

You know, great universities overseas don't really have this kind of workloads especially the last minute ones, and they produce much higher level skilled graduates. And we in here, with so much 'kerenah' and too schematic; how can we conclude about the quality of the graduates and set aside the amount of them? And just how much our graduates being unemployed or unskilled?

Really, I just hope I just graduated and never ever faced these nonsenses!