Friday, 22 August 2014

MC Yang Membosankan.....

Masuk hospital lagi. Premature contraction. Alhamdulillah, nothing serious happen. I'm okay, the baby is okay. And I got extra 2 days of MC, yang sepatutnya digunakan untuk berehat. I thought I'm healthy enough to do some work, tapi jangkaan aku meleset. Tadi pergi sekolah sekejap, dan sebaik sahaja turun dari kereta, kaki menggeletar. I was like.... what is happening?? Then, selepas buat monthly check-up di Klinik Ulu Sungai, aku balik ke Raub (rumah Mak) dan hanya baring sambil online.

Seriously, sangat bosan. I tried not to do anything related to work, and cuba enjoy dan berehat. Tak berjaya.

Kepala asyik fikir kerja saja. Jadi bila dapat masa nak rehat, badan jadi restless.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Hey, I'm Still Alive!!

It has been quite a while since I last write in this blog. Lots of things happened. I got pregnant, then posted in an Orang Asli's school, then experienced terrible morning sickness and just 'recover' from that sickness (hehe..), pinned by loads of work, yada..yada..

And moving into a new house.

That might be one of the best parts...well, kind of. It's never easy to manage a house. And luckily, in the meantime my husband is helping me with the house chores while I lay down starting from the last bell of the school till the next morning (it's the teachers' quarters in the school), each day. So, I usually get almost enough rest each day. Just enough to spend about 6 hours actively in school before collapsing in the living room after that.

People always say that pregnancy is a wonderful journey one should enjoy. Nayyy, it was hell. For me. I don't know. I just wish the baby would come out this instance, so I can move fast again. And not having this back pain over and over again. Well, the kicking and moving part is wonderful, but sometimes it's kind of painful, especially at the bladder. My baby is so active I sometimes cry of exhaustion and pain.

I complain a lot, ain't I? Woman......sigh..

And about work, I tried lots of time not to bring any home. But that can never happen. Ok, tak nak fikir pasal kerja.
I think, it is impossible not to mix work life and family life. The ideal idea is not to bring work stuffs home, so one should have a quality time with the family, thus one can have a healthy lifestyle and social life.
But that's not going to happen in real life.
Humans are created to be robots and machines. By our educational system. To fit in this world. Agree or not, that's the reality. And I have this strong feeling that I'm turning into one.

I should live my life a bit freer after this.

P/S: My heart goes to what is happening in Gaza. Support our brothers and sisters by any means that we can. And we don't have to be a Muslim to stop this, we just need to be a human.

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Acting Happy Does Not Make You A Happy Person

I was reading a book entitled Hitler and the Nazi Cult of Celebrity, which one of the emphasis in the book is that Hitler actually acted as what we see he was, and he got that gift of speech which he added to his act. And he got people's attention, trust and loyalty with that.

To make a story, I am in a deep depression. But, I hide it behind my I-don't-really-care face and after some months, it's taking its toll on me. I tried to be happy, my husband tried to cheer me up, but after a wee small interference from some external forces, my heart and sanity shatter again. And it's getting worse.

One big step that can be taken is to remove what depressed me. But I can't in the moment, and have to wait for several months to come, so all we can do is do something.

For example, I'm keeping a diary right now. I'm not happy, I'm depressed, but I can't go and chant curses and swears all day long. So, keeping a diary enable me to at least write my feeling at the moment. I don't write everyday. And I don't make it a habit. I made my own diary from scratch; I made beautiful and cute designs in the MS Word, saved as pdf file, cut the pages, punched the holes, put the reinforcement rings to the hole-everything from scratch so that when I was so pissed off, I can see things which I like and unconsciously, make me a bit happier.

Another thing that I do, is doing nothing. One thing that makes me depressed is I have to wear tudung and proper clothing each time I need to be outside of my bedroom. So, sometimes I prefer to just sit in the room, change to my cosy outfit, and do nothing. Maybe just lay down and see the sky and trees and birds.. or listen to my favourite songs and let my mind wonder to anywhere it likes. It doesn't help much, as I'm living with other people and I need to at least do a bit of house chores, so this cannot be practised too often.

I love cartoon, and among the cartoons that I like watching is Spongebob Squarepants and Phineas & Ferb. Usually, when people see me in front of the tv, it is either cartoons or TV Al-Hijrah. I like academics and documentary stuffs. So, channels that I can stand watching with others are those discovery and history channels, and news channels other than RTM and TV3. I'll immediately say no to dramas or soap operas, even movies. So, watching what you enjoy the most can help in 'making' you happy. But I believe that you need to watch something that is constructional and informative so that you don't live in the cloud after that. I feel like to say the f word to the dramas and soap operas, cause I hate them so much. What a mind....

Recently, my husband took me to a secret place (secret sangatlah konon...), but I never went there so it was quite refreshing. There is this village called Behrang, which is located near Kuala Koyan and Tanjung Gahai, in Kuala Lipis. The road was so narrow it fits only one car, and at certain places, the only access is by motorcycle. But the village has electricity, so I think it's not remote. The village is divided by two by a small river. If you want to go to the other half of the village, you can do that either by using two suspension bridges accessible by motorcycles, using boya (like a boat, moving to the other side of the river by pulling ropes across the river), or go to Tanjung Gahai first, use a wider bridge there and literally making a u-turn to the village. Most of the village is green, with river and all.... it is nice and cool, it made your head cool too.

And I like shopping. Who don't? But as I'm short of money, going to small shopping places is quite a nice trip and you don't have to spend anything at all. And what else we have in Lipis other than TF Store and Aktif? Hehe.. two of my favourites so far. And last week, I went to Temerloh and Jengka to see my newborn niece, so my husband took an effort to bring me to Star Mall in Mentakab. I was thrilled, and the only place that makes me happy to go there is Popular Bookstore. A nerd eh?

Quite lots of time, my husband bought me something I like to eat out of sudden just to cheer me up. One day, he brought home jeruk kelubi, all just for me. I was surprised, and  of course happy that I ate them all and slurping the juice of the pickles and all. It's not really the juice, it's the medium of making the pickles, but you got what I mean. Last time, I got a chocolate ice-cream with chocolate sauce in it. It really made my day.

And yeah, after all the worse things that happened, you need somebody to lean to when you feel down. I quarreled sometimes with this person, disturbed him at late hours when he was sleeping after more than 12 hours of work until he pissed off and all, said mean words at him, throwing tantrum for a small misunderstanding, and lots of other things; but he still stand by me trying to make me happy. You know, you are far from your parents. Who else can you put your hopes and rambles at infinite lengths to, other than your significant one? I am truly blessed to have him.

But at the end, at some points, all these things seem not to work, because..... you know, we don't live in a perfect world. Every person has their own weak points, and one of mine is easily offended when people arranges my life (or maybe suggesting me something that I should practice without a sound basis) according to their preferences. At some point, you'll be so upset you want to die, but you have to live because dying is not going to solve anything, so you try to be happy, you do things that can make you happy, unfortunately it only stands for some time because that's how life works.

Reality is really painful...

p/s: my grammar is bad, pardon me. at least i tried.