Monday 27 September 2010

The Dialog

I love things related to religion and belief. And I went to the great hall after Maghrib, just to listen to the inter-religion dialog, and the contents are just about brief explanation of concept of God according to Islam, Buddha and Hindu. I just hope they add up Christian's point of view. Well, they might want to but maybe got some problems.

I hate to say this, but most people don't speak clearly when they are on stage. So, there will be difficulties in understanding what is going on on there, and surely buat orang rasa bosan dan tak nak dengar.

And in another aspect, some people tend to touch the authenticity of certain religion. Different believers belief differently. That is one of the sensitivity that I believe should be avoided. The forum is to know each other; what's the basis of the religion, what's the concept, the laws etc. Not to ask for proves whether your religion is true or not.

The world right now, full of people who believe there is God and that's that, and another population that is increasing right now is the ones who don't believe God at all. Plus, we live in a colourful community. And I found so many prejudices among people with different religion and believes, especially. Itu belum campur dengan kefahaman politik lagi.

Tapi so far, forum tu memang sambutannya agak menggalakkan. Tadi ramai lagi yang menanti nak tanya soalan. Means, orang tak tidur dan pay attention masa penceramah sedang bercakap lagi.

Dan harapannya, akan ada lagi siri inter-religion forum ni nanti.

Masalah Utama: Air

Air dah tak ada. Rasa macam nak saja balik rumah hari-hari untuk mandi dan basuh baju. Hey, boleh juga kan? Oh, malam ni ada majlis so tak boleh nak keluar.

Dan kebetulan hari ini (dari malam tadi sebenarnya) sangat panas. Aku jangkakan akan hujan pagi ni tapi tak hujan malah makin panas. Dan di bangunan pentadbiran pun dah kering. Seriously, aku nak sangat-sangat hujan.

Diburukkan lagi, ramai yang sakit sekarang ni. Demam, selesema, batuk. Dan bila tak ada air ni, keadaan jadi lebih buruk.

Friday 24 September 2010

Weekend

Weekend melepak rumah sajalah. Seronok duduk rumah ni sebenarnya. Because I don't have to do much things. As I said, melepak sajalah. Usually Mak yang buat semua kerja, and if Bear is here, she'll do the work. Pemalas itu pasti. If anybody ever see my room, it is messy almost all the time. Usually, I don't have much time to do the cleaning. And if I'm not busy, I'm too lazy to get up.

Arguing about the workloads. Seriously, I have 4 - 5 times workloads more than I used to have when I was in Cardiff. There was only ONE assignment per semester, and it was just rewriting the lab report that we did before. And in here, about 5 - 10 assignments per semester.

Rasa macam dah boleh adjust sikit dengan hectic life in here. Bolehlah....

Wednesday 22 September 2010

Kalau Tak Naik Turun Dada Tu Sebijik Macam Orang Mati

I'm talking about sleeping-lah. I believe most of the students in here macam tu juga. Lots of deadlines to meet, dengan aktiviti lain lagi especially the ones for the coming convo. And thank Allah I just have assignments to do, so I can concentrate more on that, tak payah nak kejar sana sini, and at the same time help ahli grup yang sibuk; but still got not enough sleep.

AlhamduliLlah, Literasi Bahasa's presentation is over for our group. Yeay!!! untuk sementara.

Another thing, some of our assignments ditangguhkan deadline-nya. Jadi at least I got time to rest and kemas bilik yang dah tak ada ruang dah ni. Yeah!! kuasa dua untuk sementara.

This weekend my classmates nak come over untuk beraya after going to Encik Mazda's house, which is around 2 km saja from my house. I was thinking, manalah aku nak kasi budak-budak ni duduk. Takpelah. Duduk sajalah mana-mana saja yang muat.

And I'm going home this weekend!!! Yeay!!!!!!

Sekarang memang sangat jealous pada Angah yang berulang-alik dari Sg Besi ke sini each day sebab bosan duduk kem tak ada benda nak buat after work. Heh, gua yang lagi dekat pun tak macam tu. But dia ada motor, senanglah nak ke sana sini. Aku apa yang ada?

Okay, bukanlah nak jadi homesick atau 'dah-tua-tua-pun-nak-berkepit-dengan-mak-abah-lagi' kind of person. But think about the future. Bila aku dah berumahtangga nanti, I'm surely will spend more time with my husband, plus he's nearer compared to my parents' house. Apalah salahnya habiskan masa dengan Mak Abah, yang sebelum-sebelum ni memang tak pernah ada relation yang baik pun dengan aku, make them happy, be nice with them. Lagipun dah lama sangat aku duduk jauh dari diaorang. Bila dah dekat ni, erat-eratkanlah.

Mak pernah cakap, when I was in UK, memang masa hari raya tu Mak menangis mengenang-ngenang. I didn't cry at all. I didn't even think about raya.
And I think that Mak sekarang macam sayu saja bila tengok kami ni. Masing-masing dah besar. And tak lama lagi ada dah yang akan berumahtangga. Nak melepaskan kami tu satu hal, dan masa yang akan diluang bersama pun akan berkurang.

Emmm....

Monday 20 September 2010

Penattttttttt................

Kepala aku sakit lepas makan pagi tadi. Dan rasa berat sangat sampai sekarang.

Seperti yang dijangkakan, walau dah siap banyak benda pun, kerja masih lagi menimbun dan bertambah-tambah. What can be said? Life kan?

Gua sekarang ni fikir-fikir, cepatlah habis belajar. As we went pass Tanjung Gahai's junction yesterday, Abah kata kalau boleh pergi sanalah. Elaun tentu banyak, tapi susahlah nak balik. Katanyalah. No place that far-lah Abah. Memang I planned untuk masuk ceruk sampai Ulu Tembeling pun no hal. Gua duduk sana, bermastautin terus pun boleh. Tapi itulah, lambat sangat lagi nak habis belajar. Dan sesungguhnya tertekan sangat sebab masih lagi belajar. But I believe it worths. If aku habiskan degree di Cardiff dulu, I wont be able untuk mengajar di pedalaman. Mana ada sekolah menengah kat ceruk-ceruk macam Ulu Tembeling nuu. Okay, it is not about the allowance. Just having passion to teach budak-budak yang aku percaya, sangat hargai ilmu. And suasana pun of course lebih damai. Good for me, my future children.

Right...

Semalam dan hari ini aku tengok gambar kahwin Anis Mimi. Sangat cantik. Dan aku tak berangan dah bila tengok gambar kahwin orang. Entahlah kenapa. Mak Abah sekarang pun dah treat Abang Nizam as if their menantu already. Jadi, aku tak rasa risau sangat dah. Ada rezeki, adalah nanti. Yang penting, I am okay. Physically and mentally. No more ranting, atau tak keruan, atau tertekan yang melampau. Well, ada lagi sebenarnya. Dalam masa cuti ni, aku cuba bunuh diri 2 kali. First, suffocating myself bawah tilam tebal. Second, cuba nak tikam diri sendiri.

Emosi memang pelik jugalah. Sekejap okay, tapi dalam seketika tiba-tiba mudah sangat nak terasa. But I guess, the last days of me at home sangat menggembirakan.

Kalau penat buat kerja ni bagus juga. Buat lupa semua masalah. Tapi kalau nak kejar deadline sampai menangis-nangis dan sakit kepala, masalah juga kan?

Wednesday 15 September 2010

Haihhhhh...

Masa berlalu juga. Kerja bergerak tak selaju masa yang berlalu. Bila terfikir, tensen jadinya.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Sudah-Sudahlah Beraya Tu Beb!!

Baru siap praktikal 4. Dan ada 2 lagi praktikal report yang perlu ditaip (dan kena fikir because I haven't learn chemistry since form 5). Malam tadi aku mengomel, 'kenapalah aku bodoh sangat. kenapalah aku tak tahu langsung pasal reaction or experiment ni. kenapalah aku have no idea what actually is happening right now? what am i going to write on exam paper if i actually know nothing about these topics? yes, i have to learn by myself all about chemistry that THEY'VE LEARNT during their foundation year. am i going to be all crazy like last semester because I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING about biology and simply buat kesimpulan dan kefahaman sendiri atas bacaan sendiri?'

Kadang fikir, I have to do everything alone. Yalah, if everybody memang dah tau, buat apa nak belajar lebih-lebih dalam kelas kan? Better give more attention to practicals, ISLs, assignments. Takkan nak ajar bit by bit just for the sake of me. Instead, aku yang kena kerja lebih. Tapi tension juga sebab it is only me yang berkerut dahi dalam kelas sebab tak faham langsung term-term yang digunakan, nama-nama chemicals yang entah apa entah. Aku simply tension.

Okay, tarik nafas dalam-dalam. Tenang. Jom pergi kedai kejap beli buku.

Buku virtual tak membantu langsung.

Saturday 11 September 2010

Eid 2010

I was looking at my photo this year, seems that I lost my touch. I simply am lazy to set up the setting, and just use simple manual setting. And that's that. Maybe because of lots of things to do. Rasa macam serabut dan terkejar-kejar.

Actually yes. Woke up late that morning, go to bath, then 'bela' tudung yang tak jadi-jadi for an hour or two, minta maaf ceremony, then balik kampung, ziarah kubur, pergi beraya ke Jelu, kemudian ke Cheroh, balik rumah Wan semula. Tak dapat nak rest sangat sebab budak-budak ramai yang seronok untuk dilayan. Malam tu makan-makan (ada choc moist cake!!), then ada bbq ketam udang sotong ayam, aku makan ketam, bibir bengkak, muntah-muntah, balik rumah layan cerita hantu then tidur.

Next day, bangun lambat lagi, basuh gelas bekas kuih, mandi, gosok baju, orang datang beraya, serve, then beraya ke Keledek, ke Lipis, ke Selindang then ke Kechau. Itu pun 2 bijik rumah tak jadi pergi. Balik rumah, dah tak larat nak jalan dah.

Next day lagi, ada 3 kemungkinan. Sama ada dapat ikut Abah balik Mayam ziarah keluarga Mak Ngah (kakak Abah), atau kena tinggal sebab tak muat kereta, atau pergi dengan kereta Abang. So far, kemungkinan kedua tu ada percentage paling tinggi ie 99.99% untuk terjadi. Plan untuk esok, tidur and buat assignment. Haihhhhh....

Dikesempatan ini, saya ingin menyeru kepada adik saya, sila la beli kereta. Gua nak jalan-jalan pun susah woo. Asik-asik yang tua ni la mengalah. Huh!!

Anyway, I've met Angah's wife-to-be yesterday. Cantik. Putih. Orang Kelantan tapi asal Pahang. Bakal jadi misi (Bear ada geng la nanti), tapi tengok gaya boleh jadi kasar sikit (so that boleh ngam la dengan family kami yang memang ganas-ganas belaka). Okay, that's my future adik. As Angah told Kecik earlier, 'panggil Kak Ngah tau!'

I don't know about Bear's bf. He came late today, and surprisingly Abang came early. Rupanya semalam dia membuta dari lepas Jumaat sampailah ke paginya. Kami memang sama-sama kuat tidur, tidur tak ingat apa; kesimpulannya memang dua-dua perangai macam ape tah. Tapi bagus juga hari ni dapat keluar awal dan dapat balik awal jugalah. And I don't know what happen to 'Hari Menyambut Menantu' today.

Itu cerita seronok-seronok. Yang tak seronoknya bila ingat assignment dan 7 hari yang tak sempat nak siapkan apa-apa. Raya alone bolehlah nak buat assignment ke, ke kelas ke, buat lab report ke, lectures ke. But bila dengan family, dengan orang-orang tersayang, rasa macam want join them, do lots of things with them, have a joyous moment with them.

As I said in previous post, this raya is different for me, compared to years before. I never visit anyone this much. I never have an enjoyable experience during raya before. And I love it. And I hope I'll have this same moment each day of my life. Dengan keluarga, dengan kawan-kawan, dengan future family.

Memang seronok jumpa kawan lama. Diaorang bukan duduk jauh pun dari aku. Area Lipis tu juga. Tapi bila dah lost contact, diam sajalah.

Anyway, tadi lalu depan maktab. And I was screaming, 'tak nak balik maktab lagi!!!' and Abang just laughed at me.

Wednesday 8 September 2010

Dead Tired

I think, this raya will be the most....complete that I ever had, and I hope it will be the greatest until I can feel so happy celebrating it.

Before this, I don't even feel I want to celebrate. What is the happiness in there if you have to work hard for a month at the bazar, plus preparing lots of food, ironing all the clothes until 4 in the morning, and end up with black eyes because of the tiredness and lack of sleep?

Even when I was in UK, I don't have much enthusiasm to celebrate it. Nothing good comes out of it. Quarreling over things, misunderstood, etc; how can I feel that it is a celebration of joy? Thankful for what? Hate?

But today, I realised. Without the ones we love, or without having anyone to love, we cannot feel happy, the real happiness. Because our life is empty.

Today, I have my family, that now I love them so much, I just wish I can have this feeling years before, so I can be thankful for what I got. All these years of giving up, despair, losing hope for life; it is all because I feel my life is empty.

And I would like to say, I love you all; Mak, Abah, Angah, Bear, Dekli, Zakwan, Kecik. Because you all bear with me, these past 10 years, when I left you all, forget you all, blamed for my failure, made you all worried and cried and lots of pain I put you all through.

Today, I feel that I am a part of our family. And please let it be, forever.

Tuesday 7 September 2010

Menanti BEAR Pulang

To those who don't know, Bear is a nickname I gave to my sister. Hehe... another nickname present in this house is Kecik, which I call my smallest sister with, and Kiah or Zakiah (Anas 999), which refer to the same person, but used by Bear. Okay, Kiah or Zakiah might be a common name, but her actual name is Nadhirah. I have no idea why she called her Zakiah.

So, Eid is coming, PBS is done, assignments waiting waving frantically for me to sit and do but I am so busy apart from headache which attacks me almost everyday. Well, as Bear is going home today, I might have a chance or two to do AT LEAST the 'theoretical knowledge' for the practical report. And, the PUPPET!! What am I suppose to do? Make a story and just do a simple puppet with socks? Well, that seems a good idea.

Why they give us lots of work for a week of holiday? It is just a week of holiday; no one will have a chance to do work a week before Eid. I'm not super human. And PBS week is not a holiday.

What to do. Work is work. It will never end. Until death.

So, starting end of last week I made some cookies. And just finished one this morning. And I successfully tidied up this room (which may be 'berserabut semula' after this as I brought up the printer and such). Imagine a room two third of the hostel room (in Afzan), shared by three person, and another room with the same width now is shared by....let me see...3 - 5 LARGE GUY; you'll never find a 'warmer place' on Earth full with love and hugs. Hahahahahahaha.... The rooms are never tidy, and I always give up doing so. What's the point when you don't even have enough space to sit let alone to put the stuffs you got.

Not that I blame my parents for the small house. Just... keep the things to the minimum (say that to yourself dude!!). Well, good thing that 3 of us live outside and come back just during holiday or weekend.

Mak is cleaning the lower floor right now. There are rats living on the ceiling. And one died recently. One, I met a maggot under on the long chair under the stairs where the rat rot. It was fat!! Well, you don't need to say about the smell. A living stack of cells are rotting. What else can you say?

Actually, in my opinion, poison is better to kill rather than using traps. It is more effective. When I was in UK, I lived beside a box where water and gas pipe are in there. And rats (in my case mice) usually use pipes routes to go around the house. The box was just beside the bed and I made it as a table to put my alarm clock and bedroom lamp. And I always see tiny tails poking out of the box, the sounds they made etc. A guy from the pest control put some packets of poison paste through each holes in there, and the problem solved. At least in my room.

But most people doesn't like using poison. That is just because the rats can die anywhere, at unreachable places and you can't throw the body out of the house. And when that happen, you just have to bear the unbearable smell and maggots coming out of nowhere. Well, so far I am okay with that. But not my mum.

So, that's about rats. What else eh?

Talking about Bear. Angah will fetch her today, with Dekli and Hafiz. They'll go to KL, go to Damansara to get her, then 'awek Angah', go shopping, and return home. Oh, Angah-wife-to-be is from Raub, lived about half an hour from here. One thing, each day always in news, stories about accident. It is really common in Malaysia. Not going to say much, but I think it is rare to find one in UK. There might be accidents there, but not so easy to find one even during festive time. Can I say that our people is lack of carefulness? Or maybe rude? Or maybe think that a life means nothing you can make a new one anytime you want (that might be a reason why people kill babies nowaday)?

Please, I hope everything will be alright. I don't want to lose anybody, anyone wouldn't want to. People out there, drive carefully. If you badly want to die, just die by yourself. Don't take others with you. They have family, they are needed by their family. If you want to go, just go. (Well, sounds like I'm talking about myself here).

So far, Eid Mubarak everyone. Be happy during the day. Praise HIM a lot, because He is the only one who deserves all the praising. I didn't reach my Ramadhan target, unfortunately. I call that, a feeling of difficulties of going to mosque. It is out of laziness. It is different.

Anyway, EID MUBARAK!!

Saturday 4 September 2010

It Hurts

My head is still hurt. It has been years, each time I cried, or depressed, my head hurts like hell. All the veins popping out, and I thought it is the sign of migraine. Well, maybe worst.

I rethink, of getting help from a psychiatrist. But, I have no idea where to start. I checked the Malaysian Mental Health Association website, and there is only one place to go which is in Kuantan. There are also one session each month in other hospital in each district, but you have to refer to the hospital, make an appointment, and that takes time.

Why don't they have at least a small clinic in each district? In this country where lots of incidents, murderers with mental problem which increase each day, why don't they make a permanent place where we can go?

Not A Big Deal Actually

Women, can be like a child when they faced their love ones. That includes husband, children, parents, siblings etc. So, I'm now acting like a child, a hurt one. Oh, sebabnya simple saja. Orang berjanji tapi tak ditepati, about several times. Each time, this little girl memang menangis sajalah. And usually takes time around 3 - 7 days to be okay and happy as usual (macamlah pernah happy sokmo).

So, I want to talk about training ourselves to be hard. Well, most people experienced failures, broken heart, emotional incidents since we were young. Some people are okay, some are not. So, I'm going to focus to some that are not okay when facing such things.

Girls usually (I'm talking about my own gender, if you want to know about the guy, ask a guy!) are easily touched. By anything, even the simplest thing on earth. Some proceed to be tough as time passed. And some are not. I'm going to focus on the ones who are not.

Simply said, this little portion of person you might think as 'menyusahkan' or 'itu pun nak terasa?' or whatever you want to call, exists. And they might be your own sister, mother, daughter, wife. Can you just ignore?

Me, as one of the kind, easily offended. By whatever even the simplest thing on earth. So, what happen if that happen? Isolating myself, think whatever interaction I had with that person or any similar situation that I've experienced or seen before, cry my heart out, and then make a conclusion.

Since I was a little girl, I had this in mind. Nobody loves me, I'm better off dead or never exist, I'm not needed. So, I brought that throughout my life until I realised, nobody is created to be nothing. So, I want to be a positive and useful person, try to wipe out all the bad and sad memories, pretend that whatever happen means nothing even I felt that I badly want to die at that moment.

But surely, even I tried hard to be hard, to be tough, to be okay, deep inside, I am not. I am never okay. I passed times where I don't meet and talk to anyone, where I don't smile and feel happy or alive, where I don't think I have any reason to be alive, where I think my whole life is a mistake, where I've been hunted by all the bad deeds I did; that times were the worst in my life. You'll lost your hope.

And sometimes when I am not okay, I always remind myself 'ko pempuan pelacur, manalah orang nak kisah apa ko terasa ke, sakit ke, apa ke. buat apa minta simpati orang. sedar diri ko siapa.'
And then, I realised who I was.

Who will care? Nobody will come and pat me at my shoulder and say everything is okay and I will always be with you when you need me.

I have to do it by my own.

Friday 3 September 2010

Hilang Momentum

I lost my practical manuals and some of my assignments papers. Tak tahulah Mak letak mana. And I thought of doing my assignment, tapi bila tengok soalan, jadi hilang punca.

Dah berapa lama tak buat kerja. Harap sempat siap sebelum habis cuti.

Thursday 2 September 2010

My New Sweety

I bought a new laptop. AlhamduliLlah, got enough money for that. Just to make everything easier, and make me less tired bringing heavy laptop to class almost everyday. I got myself an Aspire One for RM1299, with Windows 7 (I just hope to get my Vista Home Premium back!), a free USB fan and mouse. Well, I haven't use mouse for a year. And I felt awkward using it now.

I made a post some time ago about me ranting to have a new laptop. I bought the one that I wrote in there. But there was no red coloured one. The shop just got black and pink. And I agreed at once to have the black one. No way I'm gonna have something pink, something that I'm gonna use everyday. Heheeeee.......

My comment about this laptop is, well the good one is it is small and lighter, because it is small. It is thin, well, of course will result in no cd player. Not a problem at all because I don't need one. But installing programs will be a problem; I need to do all the installing before the holiday ends using Mak's laptop.

The only thing I dislike is Windows 7. Maybe I never use it before, and I like Vista Home Premium better. I got the installing cd, but I'm not sure whether I can use it again or not because I already register it to my old laptop.

And I feel awkward about the keys. I need to press them wholly, and that makes my typing slower. And I kept hitting the = button when I want to delete something. The backspace button is too short. Well, that makes sense because of the size.

Above all, I like this laptop. It's nice. And I promised not to do any electrical experiment or modification on my laptop anymore. And I promised not to let it open for a week or so non-stop. And I promised not to surf inappropriate stuffs anymore, again, forever.

Semoga dengan kehadiran ahli baru, gua rajin belajar lagi, dan tak buang masa, dan be someone nice.

Okay, let's start with the assignment........

Wednesday 1 September 2010

Another Warm Day At School

I planned to get to know the school more. And I haven't got any chance to go around. So I took today's opportunity to have a round. And it was great. Well, the school is actually smaller than I thought. Last time I got into the school was 11 years ago, watching Angah during the school's sports day. That's before the new building was built.

So I went around. And I stopped by the special class area. And I was fascinated by the kids there. I was welcomed by them, happily seeing a new teacher approaching them. All of them are slow learners, and some got down syndrome. And to my surprise, they learn as what normal kids do. Well, a bit lower degree, but they still learn subjects as BM, English, Maths, Science etc; plus skills such as gardening and cooking. They will be in primary school for 8 years until age of 14 before going to secondary school. In that school, it also has pre-school for these special children.

That is one of the thing I got today. Well, I got more, but I want to do something.

Out

Gua Mengantuk dan Serabut!!!

First of all, is about the school. I'm okay with the teachers, their help in my work, but I'm not sure whether is compatible with my work or not. And how am I going to make the teacher aid stuff, because they already have the thing and I just need to conduct the activity. That is number one, and that will be on Thursday morning.

Second, I just remembered that I have that MAB assignment and I haven't do anything yet, even reading. Well, maybe I can start by writing the procedure of the game. That should make everything easier.

Next, the LB, the puppets!! Well, that can be done next AFTER the MAB.

What else?

Oh GOD. Once I think about work, I really feel lost. There are too much to do, including the preparation for Eid.

Memang serabut. 3 weeks, they should extend the time.