Friday, 31 December 2010

Welcome Year Two Thousand And Eleven

AlhamduliLlah, thanks a lot to Allah, for being able to live yet breathing in peace today, and this year is at its end today.

So, usually at the end, we look back and check whether we achieved or not what we had vowed(?) at the beginning of this year. Most of the people have their own target or maybe pledge made at 1st of January each year, as we call as 'azam tahun baru' in Malay.

Some people doesn't really care about this thing but I believe it is crucial especially for people who are in a transition period of their life, or maybe for those who are turning a new leaf.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Metalling

Sebenarnya, dah lama tak dengar lagu yang 'uppp' sikit daripada heavy metal. I am restricting myself actually, untuk tak dengar lagu death atau black metal dah. Kalau ada pun, just lagu Cry War dari Tormentor saja. Dan sekarang aku sedang dengar lagu dari As Sahar, one of the greatest metal group from Malaysia. And I think I am easy listening the songs from Intifada album, dan lain-lainnya aku delete. Berat juga, bila fikirkan lagu-lagu yang aku simpan selama ni, Kreator, Obituary, Venom, Children of Bodom, Dimmu Borgir, etc. Sayang.

But then, I know I need to get rid of the songs. What I am doing is right.

Whatever people say, I think metal is still a great genre. Entahlah. The time is now to change whatever that is needed to be changed.

Sayonara!

Monday, 20 December 2010

Monday

I always not really in term with Mondays. I don't know, maybe because it is the first day of the week which indicates the end of weekend ie holiday. And always, the day is longer if it's Monday.

Most people hate Monday. Hehe..

I just realised, that I need to do some work. I mean, I am wasting time. I am wasting my youth, and I'm getting older, and death is nearer. But I have no intention of dying yet. Not yet.

I just want another three years to pass by just like that. Somehow, I feel stuck and unable to move in this coming three years. As long as I'm still not getting paid, I am unable to do things that I want to be, what I should do. Not a good mind to begin with.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Kalau Berkalau

I am having a nostalgic and dramatic night. Not physically, though.

Bukanlah menyalahkan, atau suggesting another path that should be carved to be mine. And most people say, tak elok berkalau-kalau ini.

But I just want to remember my mistakes, my wrong and bad deeds, dan apa saja yang berkaitan.

1. Kalaulah aku dulu belajar betul-betul.

Why I can't study well, sangat bergantung pada psikologi diri sebenarnya. Kalau dah minda di-set untuk stress dan tak patut lalui apa yang tidak aku ingini, maka automatik rasa blur, tak boleh nak faham, tak nak terima apa yang sedang berlaku.
I was blaming my parents for this. Bukan saja berkenaan belajar ini, tapi pasal pasangan hidup juga.

Friday, 17 December 2010

Bla..Bla..Bla..

So,dah lama rasanya nak menulis. Actually, tak ada idea sangat nak menulis. Dan hari-hari sebelum ni agak dull sedikit sebab mula dah nak tidur dengan banyak. Bosan ye, duduk rumah saja. Nak keluar jogging, aku dah malas nak drive, dan main badminton depan rumah adalah sesuatu yang kurang menyenangkan lantaran ibu-ibu yang tinggal berdekatan itu matanya macam laser dan mungkin sinar gamma sebab boleh tembus-tembus kat badan aku, dan aku rasa memang sangat tidak selesa.

Jadi, masa aku habiskan dalam bilik dan di atas katil, yang natijahnya membawa aku ke alam fantasi paling kurang pun dalam tiga jam. Dan itu tidak produktif. Cuti memang seronok, tapi cuti yang terlalu lama rasa macam tak cukup sebab apabila sudah bosan dan lali dengan aktiviti harian yang hampir kepada rutin robot yang diprogram, maka pembuangan masa yang berleluasa pun menjadi-jadi dan mengakibatkan litar pintas dalam litar otak dan merembeskan sel-sel malas dalam diri dan hati.

Monday, 13 December 2010

Isi Borang SPA

Aku dah beberapa kali mengisi borang SPA secara online, untuk Abang. Sebelum ni, ada jawatan yang layak untuk dia, yang kelayakan tertinggi hanyalah PMR. Tapi kali ni, sudah tak ada. Paling rendah kena ada SPM. Dan aku pun jadi serba salah. Aku tahu dia tertekan dengan kerjanya. Yalah, bagi sesiapa yang pernah jadi kuli, memang tenaga dikerah sekerah-kerahnya macamlah kita ni hamba. Dan aku tahu rutin hariannya; setengah hingga tiga suku hari bekerja, kemudian balik untuk makan dan tidur (berehat). Bukan dia saja. Abah pun macam tu. Abah paling tinggi belajar pun darjah 6. Dan aku bertahun-tahun tengok Mak Abah bekerja mencari duit untuk menyara kami enam beradik. Perit.

Beginilah dunia sekarang. Bagi sesiapa yang rasa nak berhenti belajar, fikirlah semula. Andai kata punya kudrat yang kuat untuk buat kerja buruh misalnya, fahamilah bahawa kudrat itu hanya sementara. Gaji RM 1000 pada ketika ini nak cukupkan untuk hidup sendiri pun, tak tercukup. Harga barang semakin naik, orang nak berbelanja pun fikir banyak kali. Dengan kelayakan PMR sahaja, mahupun SPM, memang siksa.

Dan bagi mereka yang berada di atas, lihatlah kami-kami yang menjadi rakyat ini. Tersepit. Kami punya keperluan dan perut yang perlu diisi. Perlukah diperah keringat kami hingga kami jadi gelendangan di tepi-tepi jalanraya atau bawah jambatan baru anda sekalian buka mata?

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Risaukan Perkara Remeh-Remeh

Really, I appreciate all the times I am at home. Strengthening bond with my family members this time is the best since ten to 15 years back. Benarlah, manusia semakin dewasa, semakin matang. Yesterday, I was telling Kecik the stories about me, Mak, Angah, Dekli; years before. How were we used to be. And I realised, that I was very foolish. All the things that I did, the rebellions, arguments etc; they were childish things. Well, some arguments have good reasons, but all of us have change. And I think, I am having my best moments with them.

And one thing that made me realised, is when I observed Zakwan. He's going to secondary school, he thinks he is big enough now, getting angry at nonsense things, likes ordering people, etc. I think, I was like him. And when I see myself inside somebody else, I feel ashamed, I feel stupid, I feel that how wrong I was, and I regret it.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Sehari Dua Yang Rasa Macam Nak Mengamuk

Aku, berjaya menghempaskan telefon bimbit ke dinding. Marah. Sebabnya remeh. Namun, syukur telefon tidak cedera parah. Cuma tidak dapat membaca kad memori, juga ada bahagian yang tertanggal dan sedikit patah di bahagian kekunci telefon.

Not a good thing to do. Marah-marah, terlalu emosi, dan tidak dapat mengawal amarah. But, I think that is better daripada killing. Hampir-hampir saja.

Life is not good this week. Keadaan ekonomi meruncing sungguh.

AstaghfiruLlahal'azim.

Thursday, 2 December 2010

Sudoku Dude!!

This is maybe the third or second time I do this thing. I'm not really into puzzles, and I don't really like playing games which need me to make strategies. But for the first time, yeay!! I managed to do the sudoku (the easy one of course), with Kecik. Hoho.. an achievement!!

So, now the kids are busy in front of the monitor, doing the sudoku. I'm not going to touch it again, but I want to do something else that really use numbers.

Where's my calculator eh?

Sudah Masuk Disember

Masa cuti, dua minggu, rasa macam sekejap saja berlalu. What did I do these two weeks? Jogging, bersukan, menjahit, catching up with the three CSIs' series and House and The Biggest Loser Asia, sleep my heart out. And as usual, my actual plan for the holiday hanya berusik sikit saja. First is to complete my MQA filesssssss, and reading. I want, at least to finish reading the Muqaddimah by Ibn Khaldun, translated one of course. But I think the files completing is the most important one and I need to read the related books first to make the notes and the ISLs etc. It is like learning all of that again. It sucks actually. Who likes learning at the age of mine?

Talking about age, I am kind of tired of answering my grandma's questions of how old I am now and when will I get married. And once, she told me that I am old. I mean, not that I'm going to be already menopause at my wedding day. I'm not really that old yet.

And it is now December. And it will be 2011 in a month time. Masa berlalu sangat cepat kan? And I will be on my third semester. Sometimes I do miss the semesters in Cardiff Uni, masa memang tak sedar sedang berlalu, about 3 - 4 months for a semester? And now, even if the semesters are half longer, the work is triple, maybe four. It is tougher taking a degree in Malaysia, where little and sometimes nonsense things count. I hate it, but I love being here.

And now it is about a month before the break ends. And I need to work fast.

Now.

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Hari Ni Pegi Jalan-Jalan

Pergi Temerloh, ikut Abah hantar Hafiz pergi Hospital Temerloh untuk buat diagnosis x-ray. Well, ended up hanya hantar x-ray dan ambil laporannya next Monday. Jadi tadi kami merayau sebentar, lepak di jeti, makan ABC dan kemudian balik.

On the way, Abah was so sleepy so I got the chance to drive. Tapi sangkut di tol. I've told them jangan bising masa aku tengah drive. But then, sorang kata macam ni, sorang lagi kata macam tu. Lain kali aku kena drive sorang-sorang saja nampaknya. And sis dalam toll booth tu senyum je tengok aku.

And I managed to call Abang, selepas 2 minggu yang sangat susah nak bercakap dengan dia. Well, he's so busy with his work. Bekerja dengan mesin yang dah lama memang memenatkan dan banyak masalah. But he got a good news for me. Dia dapat panggilan temuduga untuk electrician, dan aku sangat berharap dia dapat kerja tu. At least, kerjanya lebih terjamin. And he seemed to be very happy, as well as me. This is a very good news, sebab dia sangat-sangat susah untuk dapat kerja. Oh dear, two weeks of stress macam hilang saja.

Monday, 29 November 2010

Monday Morning (^_^)

Well, selalunya aku tak rasa gembira apabila hadirnya hari Isnin, sebab malas nak ke kelas. But then, bila sedang cuti panjang macam ni, everyday is a bless, unless hari terakhir cutilah. So, today hidung ni masih berair dan sedikit tersumbat. Aku pun tak pergi jogging sebab kepala masih lagi berat sikit. But I kill the time dengan menjahit. Aku ada banyak baju yang asalnya milik orang, dan saiznya lebih besar daripada besar, so I end up repairing the bajus supaya lebih selesa untuk dipakai.

And Kecik bangun awal hari ni, jadi aku taklah kebosanan sangat. Tak seronoklah kalau tak ada kawan untuk berborak. Encik Abang sudah berminggu-mingguan sibuk dan tak ada masa. Well, dia kerja kuat pun bukan untuk orang lain juga. Kasihan juga. Sekarang ni, kos untuk buat kenduri kahwin terlalu besar. I was like, going crazy thinking about money. Even my parents sekarang pun struggling sebab Zakwan nak masuk sekolah menengah dan akan duduk asrama. Bear pun, even dapat PTPTN, kena bagi duit poket sebab elaun PTPTN sangat tak cukup, lagi-lagi dia duduk di tempat yang agak besar juga kos hidupnya. Like me, I have my own biasiswa, Angah dah kerja dan Dekli memotong getah sekarang ni. Jadi, dapatlah juga kurangkan beban Mak Abah.

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Of Kepala Berat And Hidung Berair

I'm not feeling well. Bukan demam, macam cold saja. Sekarang sedang terbaring menghadap kipas (Malaysia's becoming more hot hot and hot!) sambil hidung sroootttt... srooooottt!! Satu badan sudah bau minyak angin.

Well, hari sudah hujan. Tapi masih panas.

Aku rasa, banyak sungguh projek aku nak buat sekarang ni. Projek nota, buku, baju, menulis. Tapi, sikit saja usik. Kemudian jadi confuse mana satu nak buat. Dalam satu masa, banyak sungguh perasaan berbaur. Dalam satu masa lagi, aku hanya nak relax dan watch tv.
Jadual boleh buat, tapi I don't think jadual pernah berfungsi dalam hidup aku.

Tapi yang paling rancak projek baju-lah. Sampai tidur dengan mesin jahit dah ni. Sekarang sedang tunggu kain untuk baju uniform Puteri Islam untuk jahit tepi. Dapat nanti (esok mungkin), bolehlah bergerak aktif semula.

Emm, nak tidur. Kepala rasa sangat berat dah.

Penulis

Hidup aku, aku kenal beberapa orang kenalan yang punya kelebihan dalam dunia penulisan, sama ada dalam penulisan novel atau cerpen, pementasan, mahupun puisi dan sajak. Semuanya sangat bagus, dan memberi satu pengalaman dan pemikiran yang baru kepada aku apabila membaca hasil kerja mereka.

Bercakap mengenai penulisan dan aku; mungkin aku punya idea, namun bakat kurang atau mungkin tiada; mungkin juga idea yang aku ada itu, tak memberi satu impak dan pengajaran yang berguna bagi mereka yang membaca. Untuk apa menulis sesuatu yang sia-sia dan tak memberi makna? Kalaulah aku menulis, mencanang-canang sesuatu yang tak berguna pun, contohnya seperti drama-drama remaja bercinta yang banyak sangat dilambak-lambakkan di televisyen kini, aku hanya menambah siri lambakan itu. Muak. Dan seperti yang aku kata, tak memberi pengajaran yang baik pun.

Sepatutnya seni itu bukan dibuat untuk suka-suka saja.

Friday, 26 November 2010

Mahu Jadi Seseorang Yang Lain

Aku, seorang manusia yang selalu berfikir, terlalu jauh dan selalunya terpesong, yang sering memilih yang negatif daripada positif, dan akhirnya memakan diri, dimana aku mengasingkan diri, menyalahkan diri atas segala sesuatu yang berlaku, hingga pada satu masa terasa diri tak layak untuk terus hidup.

Aku nak jadi seseorang yang lain. Seseorang yang tidak keterlaluan seperti aku sekarang. Seseorang yang kuat sedikit daripada aku sekarang. Seseorang yang positif.

Perlukah aku jadi hipokrit seolah-olah tiada apa yang berlaku? Bolehkah berpura-pura okay itu dikira sebagai hipokrit? Kenapa wujud istilah negatif ini sehingga sesuatu tindakan yang dikira boleh menyelamatkan nyawa dianggap sebagai sesuatu yang salah?

Tapi aku masih mahu jadi seseorang yang lain. Yang kuat hatinya, yang tabah, dan tidak ekstrimis. Aku mahu jadi orang biasa-biasa saja.

Pasangan-Pasangan Bahagia

Aku baru semalam tengok gambar kahwin Ashraf. Sangat merah. Hehehe.. but then, I'm happy for him. Rasanya masa sekolah dulu, ada sikit-sikit crush. Biasalah, budak-budak kan?
I don't know his wife. Dia kenal masa zaman dia kerja dah ni agaknya.

But then, bila tengok kawan-kawan lain, agak ramai jugalah yang dengan member-member zaman sekolah dulu, sekolah rendah mahupun sekolah menengah. Beberapa pasangan dah pun bertunang, then rest will follow soon, insyaAllah.

Macam kelakar jugalah. Masa sekolah dulu, masing-masing tak pandang. Tapi bila dah habis sekolah, dah kerja, masing-masing pun dah berubah penampilan, baru nak pandang. Hehe..

Anyway, cepat-cepatlah kahwin ye.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

OOOooo Yeahhhhh!!!

Well, sebagai orang yang kurang sabar, aku memang tak boleh tunggu lama-lama. Okay, I've waited for a day to get my glass. Dan pagi tadi pergi ambil, kedai tak buka lagi. Dan petang ni, Abah dan Mak pergi berjual.

Jadi sebab tu, aku buat-buat berani drive ke bandar. Aku memang kalau boleh nak avoid drive dalam kawasan bandar, agak leceh nak tukar gear. But I made it!! With Kecik. Kalau orang lain, aku tak rasa aku boleh nak drive dengan orang sebelah membebel suruh tekan brek-lah, tukar gear-lah, perlahan sikit-lah, etc.

But then, kalau boleh tak nak drive dah. Bila dah mula laju, tak boleh nak slow dah.

Okay, kemudian nak cerita tentang cermin mata baru. Powernya sikit saja. Tapi, nampak agak lain aku pakai cermin mata. Kecik kata 'nampak macam cikgu.' Aku tengok, nampak macam sikit tua.

But I love it!! (^_^)

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Kawal Diri

I'm in dilemma. I don't know, I maybe am trying to be patient, to look at the bright sight, to make it looks positive; I AM TRYING TO BE OKAY.

But inside, I know I am not.

The tryings are quite working though. Aku sekarang macam ada semangat baru. Tapi apa pun kena betulkan niat sentiasa. Everything around is very tempting, melemahkan iman dan jiwa.

Well, ada rezeki, adalah. Kalau tak berkesempatan, dapat juga pahala untuk menuju ke situ, insyaAllah.

SO, smile dude!! You are strong, you can do it.

Anyway, tak sabar nak tunggu my first glass. Yep, aku dah disahkan rabun. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... nanti I letak gambar I pakai spek ye. (^_^) Nampak macam sedikit seperti 'makcik-makcik'.

Mari Berkenal-Kenalan

Sejak dua menjak aku merajinkan diri untuk berjogging, aku berkenalan dengan seorang pakcik berbangsa Cina. Dia yang tegur aku dulu, dan dia berminat untuk berborak dengan aku, mungkin sebab aku boleh berbahasa Inggeris dengan agak fasih. Makanya, kami berborak, baru dua kali. Kali pertama hanya berborak biasa-biasa dalam seminit dua. Kali kedua, kenal nama. Kami berborak berkenaan dialek-dialek yang digunakan oleh orang Cina. Dan aku temui sesuatu yang menarik, iaitu, walaupun tulisan yang digunakan ialah sama, seandainya dibaca oleh orang yang berlainan dialeknya, sebutan dan maknanya adalah berbeza. Sebagai contohnya, nama pakcik tersebut ialah NG. Apabila namanya ditulis dalam tulisan Cina, seandainya dibaca menggunakan dialek lain, boleh menjadi GOH. Dan contoh yang lain, walaupun nama pakcik itu sama dengan nama keluarga NG YEN YEN, namun cara untuk menulis perkataan NG itu adalah berbeza sebab dialek mereka berbeza.

Well, even taklah perkara menarik pun untuk dikongsi. Tapi hanya satu yang pasti, berkenal-kenalan tu, seronok sebenarnya. Tapi, taklah perlu sampai nak ber-rapat-rapatan kan? Kena ada batasnya juga. But then, he is a nice person to begin with.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

In Bed For Hours

I was not well this morning, got terrible headache, and decided not to help my parents at someone's walimah. I can see Mak was tired making the cendol, but I can't help it, I might easily faint at that moment. But, I didn't tell them whenever I am sick, don't want to worry them much. I am always sick, but better to keep it to myself than making such racket.

So, I was in bed for about half a day, and still don't get out of it now. Everybody is downstairs and watching tv.
I used to be like this before. Not joining them, socializing with my own family members. I tend to keep myself in my room, pretending I wasn't at home. But things change now. Even if I hate watching the drama they are watching (which mostly are Indonesian sinetron), but I still let myself amongst them, and do my own work, which currently is sewing.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

Setelah Sekian Lama

I drove, after some time. Sebenarnya Abah tak kasi, and I just picked up the key dan drive. And I met him half way back home. Mak said he said 'kenapa bagi bawak kereta tu?' But hey, I got it okay. And I think driving in a city memang leceh, for manual car.

And I decided, untuk kali yang entah ke berapa, aku prefer untuk jadi penumpang daripada driver.

Friday, 19 November 2010

I Feel Stupid Right Now

I don't feel good, and I don't know why. I just get up from half a day sleep, few hours before. And then I went down, to the living room. I felt blank, even I was watching some of my favourite programs. I took out my hard disk from the bag, and some cds out. I was thinking of having fun and relax, but I can't. There's something wrong, and I can't figure it out.

And I browsed over my old photos, and the feeling is worst.

I need to go out.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Jangan Ikut Nafsu Shopping Tu!!

Well, as perempuan, memang geram kalau nampak baju, kasut, gelang, cincin, beg. Kalau boleh satu kedai dia nak beli.

Aku hari-hari kalau rasa serabut memang jalan-jalan atas talian tengok mana-mana yang menarik. Dan kadang-kadang memang affordable. Tapi tak perlu pun sebenarnya. Banyak sangat benda yang aku beli dan tak guna pun. Menambah sampah saja.

Fikir-fikir, kuat juga nafsu ni. Nafsu mencari hartalah lebih kurang. Semua nak. Tapi tak ada keperluan pun. Kan?

Eidul Adha 2010

Eidul Adha 2010, juga penanda bermulanya cuti semester, juga penanda sudah setahun aku berada di IPG ni. Sangat cepat masa berlalu. Sangat cepat. Semalam yang dirasakan amat jauh kini sudah pun berlalu.

Jadi dikesempatan ni aku nak ucapkan...
Salam Aidiladha buat mak abah, adik-adik dan keluarga, cikgu-cikgu dan kawan-kawan sekolah dulu (SK Batu Talam, SK Muhammad Jabar, SRK Clifford, SK (P) Methodist, SMK Clifford, SHAH Pekan), rakan-rakan di KMPh, rakan-rakan dan lecturers di KYUEM dulu, rakan-rakan yang masih bertebaran di UK ataupun yang dah balik Malaysia dah, juga rakan-rakan di IPG Tengku Ampuan Afzan. Tak lupa geng-geng LRO dan Multiply. Entah korang semua ingat aku lagi ke entah. Selamat semua!!

Hati Yang Tersentuh

Bukan kisah cinta atau peristiwa menyayat hati. Aku cuma tersentuh bila membaca sebuah novel, yang tajuknya seperti berkenaan cinta, dan juga isinya tentang cinta, namun aku melihat di dalamnya ialah tentang bagaimana sebetulnya peribadi seseorang Muslim itu.

Juga tentang bagaimana hidayah Allah itu diberikan dengan cara yang tak disangka-sangka.

Juga betapa buruknya Islam di mata mereka yang bukan Islam dek perangai yang buruk, emosi yang keterlaluan, yang pastinya berpunca dengan kurangnya pemahaman Islam, juga sambil lewa dalam mempraktikkan apa yang disarankan Islam.

Bagaimanakah orang akan tertarik dengan agama yang pengikutnya bertindak sesuka hati dan mengikut amarah diri?

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Study!!!!

Mula-mula aku nak mengomel tentang air yang tak ada. Please-lah! Lagi 2 -3 hari saja lagi nak balik. Lepas kami semua dah balik, barulah tak payah ada air. Menyedihkan sungguh. Tapi semalam aku dengar perbualan seorang pakcik, katanya tahun ni memang ada masalah air. Sebelum ni memanglah air tak ada, tapi dalam setahun mungkin sekali dua saja. Tapi sekarang ni selalu sangat.

Entahlah pakcik.

Kemudian nak mengomel tentang packing. Ohhhh, sungguhlah malas dan berserabut rasa. Ramai yang pelik aku bawa semua barang balik dan tak tinggalkan langsung walaupun satu barang dalam bilik stor. Well, sebenarnya tak biasa tinggal-tinggal barang dan risau kalau semua tak ada depan mata. Nak tinggalkan pakaian, no way!! Buku-buku ada sikit saja, dan next semester dah guna buku lain, jadi buat apa nak tinggal sini. Bantal, selimut, aku guna. File semua aku nak siapkan cuti semester ni dan tinggal saja semua di rumah. So, basically memang semua aku bawa balik.

Aku Rasa Berangin

Badan-badan sejak semalam sudah sakit-sakit. Dan sekarang kepala pun sudah berat. Tapi entah kenapa aku masih kurang berani untuk tidur malam. Dan sedaya upaya untuk celikkan mata walaupun penat dan sakit bagaimana pun. Dan aku tidaklah punya perasaan kurang enak seperti beberapa hari sebelum ini. Tapi, masih lagi dalam fasa berjaga-jaga.

Dan malam ini aku tak punya apa yang boleh buat aku berjaga.

Mari cuci mata!!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Rambang Mata!!!

Beberapa hari ni, aku asyik merewang saja tengok-tengok baju, jubah atau tudung. Okay, I am less passionate in shoes, for the time being. Okay, mentanglah elaun ada masuk beberapa ratus terus gatal tangan nak beli itu ini. Hehe.. actually I managed to restrain myself daripada membeli. See, being lazy ada juga gunanya.

But then, memang ada beberapa barang yang aku memang nak beli, just to match the colours of my baju. And I decided to buy that special occasion things bit by bit, jadi taklah perlu nak risau duit tak cukup nanti.

Oh tak sabar nak balik rumah dan merewang-rewang dengan Kecik. Untung juga cuti sama dengan budak-budak sekolah ni.

At least I got a friend.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Nak Menulis, Tapi.....

Really, rasa keinginan nak menulis tu kuat, tapi tak tahu perkara apa yang patut difokuskan.

Setiap kita mesti ada perkara yang kita inginkan dalam hidup. Dan kita selalunya tak berpuas hati dengan apa yang kita ada, sentiasa melihat bahawa orang lain adalah lebih bertuah dan bernasib baik daripada kita.
Bak pepatah, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Jadi, teruslah kepada bersyukur. Well, kita bersyukur yang kita masih hidup, tak hidup melarat, compared to certain people out there, di negara-negara lain. And we always here this bit of sentence 'Kita sepatutnya bersyukur dengan keamanan yang kita alami, dan seharusnyalah berusaha untuk terus mengekalkannya.'

But certainly, jealousy is everywhere. Kita mungkin cemburu dengan orang yang punya kereta yang lebih canggih, baju yang lagi cantik dan mahal, pakwe yang lebih handsome dan berduit, atau anak-anak yang bijak dan comel; as if that's the most important thing in the world.

Taking A Break

Well, horrible things happened, and yet, seems that most of the worst expected (and not expected) had passed, and again, weekend mood.

But like yesterday, and a couple of days before, I cannot sleep at night, eyes wondering around, expecting something that is not to be expected to linger around, but yet, alhamduliLlah, nothing happen but almost similar situation (but safer) last night, which is not surprising, shaken me a bit.

I thought of sleeping now, but looking at a pile of dirty clothes need to be washed, and my stuffs scattering around my place, makes me think twice.

Nak balikkkkkkkk......

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Sleepless Nights

Sangat penat. I really can't sleep, especially at night these few days. I can only sleep when I feel so tired to keep awake. And I startled at tiniest sound I heard. I don't know, maybe it is kind of phobia. But I guess I feel a lot better today.

Whatever it is, alhamduliLlah, everything seems fine now, and we just got one paper left next Monday. OOOOOOYYYEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Nak balik rumah. Cuti panjang. Elaun dah masuk. (^_^)

AlhamduliLlah.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Exhausting Night

Yeah, I like to describe last night as exhausting, rather than scary or eerie. Wont tell much in here, but I think I might be next, so, I'm watching out. And as I tried to sleep this morning, I woke up several times, looking around before dozing out again.

I was thinking of staying at home for the rest of the week, and just come here to take the exams.
But I don't think I can.

Let's just pray.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Crash At The Double Line

Well, this might be sensitive to the family of the victims. But, please remember, not to consider that everything will be right taking over other vehicles at double lines.

My dad and brother, both are really speeding when driving, and always taking over when in a long line of vehicles, and the opposite direction is busy too. Not just them, but I see loads of people are doing that.

I mean, are you in a hurry until you have to ignore the safety? When accident happen, it is not just about the driver alone; people inside the car, people around the car. We see lots of accidents before in paper, but yet not many people do take serious of driving. This is not kind of video game; you cannot live again after you die.

I was whining about this when I read the paper. Well, the weather was bad, the road was slippery, the road is going downhill, the double line; the car crash into a lorry and explode. It is a tragic way to die, and really heartbroken especially for the family to see.

Pemandu Malaysia ni gila agaknya.

Multiple Intelligent

I was reading about multiple intelligent and decided to do a test to know mine. Well, I can guess which one is the major but then, a person can have many multiple intelligent, and might have several intelligence which are work together equally. So I 'googled' multiple intelligence test, and decided to go here:

http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks3/ict/multiple_int/index.htm

to take the test. And below is my result.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Begin To Appreciate Microsoft Word

Well, I found out that pdf version of documents are not really cool, just some days ago. Well, apart from not able to highlight the interesting or important part, it can't be read like a reader, I mean, like a book.

And, to my surprise, I never found that Microsoft Word is some sort of trendy application to use. I mean, it's just used to type documents, mostly are my homework and assignments (maybe that resulted me in not favouring it). But nonetheless, I am not a gadget freak (I like them, but never to the freak level). So, I just found out that Microsoft Word can be used as a reader, even not effectively as e-book reader which can be get easily nowadays, but it makes my laptop as a very useful tool.

Well, I know I've been writing about my laptop since I bought it, but seriously, I never thought it will be useful more than surfing the internet and playing medias only. Well, seems that I really not using my money properly before.

I Don't Know What The Title Should Be~~

Kita cenderung melihat di sudut-sudut tertentu yang kita sendiri punya kepentingan. Al Hasil, sering kali kita dapati dorongan memakan makanan sunah lebih hebat diuar-uarkan berbanding dengan mengajak melaksanakan sunah-sunah yang lebih besar dan afdal.

“Ayah, jika minum susu kambing kita boleh jadi baik. Ini minuman sunah.”

“Tapi jangan hanya ikut sunah minum susu kambing sahaja, ikut sunah yang lebih utama daripada itu, “ balas saya.

“Apa dia?”

“Bangun solat Subuh, tinggalkan perkara yang sia-sia.”

“Makan kismis ini yang didoakan ini bagus ayah. Fikiran kita jadi tajam. Ini juga makanan sunah.”

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Out Of The Mood To Study

I was thinking about money from yesterday's night. Well, not about getting rich thus having lots of money and 'hidup aman bahagia selama-lamanya'. That is only in Heaven. No one will have a happy life like those fairy tales on this world.

What about money then? Well, having a little just enough to do some simple things that I believe I need to do. I mean, we can't live comfortably with nothing. At least, having some basic life needs, and maybe just a little bit to have a nice life and to share with other.

And that 'a little bit' is really subjective. Depends on what we really need. And, lets talk about myself.

I like money. Who doesn't? But really, having money is awesome. Used to have money more than I need. And I ended up wasting those money to release the stress. In the beginning, it seemed cool. But eventually, I feel bored. I can get what I want easily, but not happiness.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Great Voice

I was watching Susan Boyle in Youtube, in the matter of fact. And I really astounded by her voice, which is totally contrary to her appearance. The video I watched is from Britain's Got Talent, where there she made her first appearance in public nationwide.

I'm not really interested in that kind of music, but changed my mind when I listened to Note To God by Charice. Well, great voice by those kind of singers, changed my view to Western singers which most of them sell the songs together with their sexual appeal which is actually really disgusting.

Reality shows are too much currently, most of them sucks. First check, should be to the appearance. I mean, look at the artists. You need to be beautiful, handsome, trendy, cool, up-to-date fashionable. And less people are really showing off their talent.

It is something given by Allah, and should be appreciated by all. By when we see some nonsense idiots on stage, not even spreading inspiration or anything good, I only saw audiences with admiration of fantasies of popularity and fanaticalness towards their 'idols'.

Ain't it?

Harsh, Am I?

As usual, I went back to Raub each time I got the chance. And as usual, if not Abah, Abang will fetch me.

So, as we reached home, Abah invited him in, just sit and watch tv, not even talk to each other except 'Tak kerja ke hari ni?', which then was me replying while pointing at his face 'Muka ni tak kerja? Orang cuti pun dia kerja, orang kerja apatah lagi.'

And during that time, I was talking to Kecik and just ignore him most of the time, until Abah said 'Pergilah buat air tu.' Then I was like 'Kena buat air ke? Abang nak air ke?' which then made Abah replied back 'Takkanlah dia nak cakap nak ke tidak.'

It was kind of funny, in a way we were asking Abang but not him answering the questions, while he was actually sit between both of us.
And a bit harsh, if I looked from my parents' point of view; well, maybe rude too. I mean, we got a guest in front of us, and he's my spouse-to-be; so it should be me to entertain him, at least bring him something to drink, but I didn't do anything about that. Well, never even think of that. And next, Mak told me to get nasi goreng for him, and I used an old, yellowish plastic plate to serve him, which got me scold from my mother especially. Hey, that's my favourite plate, so I'm sharing with him my favourites. But then, for mom, I didn't behave properly in front of people.

Monday, 1 November 2010

Exam Stress

I'm supposed to read about the coming paper but ended up reading one of the Harry Potter's books. I have no intention of studying when all I see are theories. Why should we memorize those theories since when teaching, we are suppose to apply the theories rather than listing the definitions, concepts and all? I mean, implication in class is the best question, or maybe opinions on how should we apply those theories in class to give up the full volume of the students' potential? Or maybe some 'high-level-thinking' type of questions which we need to analyse and make the best decision we could think of? Or describe a game which might in case helps a lot in presenting the topics to be taught rather than boring lectures?
I mean, questions which really give out new ideas and in a way exposing us to the real world of teaching.

But all I see are straight dull questions, which needing us to remember the facts despite of applying them.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Longgar

I think, this institute is not as bad as others. Despite of the accommodation, I think this place is not really controlling and too restrict to its students.

And I'm really thankful there is Pendidikan Agama Islam course in here. It helps a lot!

So, what really is democracy then? Not allowing students to wear something as Islam told us to do?

Bau Roti

I'm quite disturbed for some hours by the smell of freshly baked bread. I don't know where it comes, but it really makes me feel so hungry and badly want to bake something.

Oh mak, last week I intended to bake a cake so I left out the Buttercup out of fridge but then you put it back inside.

Sedapnya kalau dapat makan kek buah macam yang last raya punya tu. Hehe... and I planned to make meringues. Nak test power kalau-kalau menjadi. Maybe I should make some cookies for this coming Eid during this coming holiday. I got my list but then maybe some are out of our tradition.

Oh ye, other than that I really want to try making scones and Yorkshire pudding. Sounds delicious!!

Anak-Anak Muda Yang Telah Pergi

Sebak aku rasa, bila baca berita tentang kemalangan di Genting Sempah tu. Aku selalu juga lalu sana, dan aku tahu bagaimana keadaan jalan di sana. Memang okay, tapi banyak selekoh dan berbukit bukau. Memang seperti jalan untuk menanti mangsa yang tidak bernasib baik.

Bila cerita tentang budak muda belasan tahun, aku terus teringat adik aku yang ke empat. Dia macam budak muda yang lainnya, suka motor, merayau-rayau, merokok, keluar malam-malam nak subuh baru balik, bangun lebih dari tengah hari. Dan itu seperti sesuatu yang normal bagi budak muda sebayanya.

Betapa sayangnya mereka-mereka ini yang begitu awalnya meninggalkan kita. Dan betapa sedih dan kecewanya hati ibu bapa, yang pada awalnya melepaskan anak-anak untuk berseronok dan melihat tempat orang, akhirnya dikhabarkan dengan berita kematian.

Saturday, 30 October 2010

Coretan Sebelum Tidur

Hari ni, aku rasa macam sedikit kosong. Cepat berlalu. Sakit kepala yang sekejap datang, sekejap hilang, hati yang mudah terusik, perbualan dengan kenalan lama, terbunuh cicak secara tak sengaja; semuanya rasa macam agak menyiksa jiwa.

Aku nak risau tentang exam yang akan datang, betapa banyak lagi yang aku tak baca lagi dan aku tak tahu langsung berkenaan apa, tapi aku tak mampu nak risau. Entahlah, better just read through the book; make the notes later sebab masa sudah suntuk, tambah dengan batuk dan sakit kepala ni, tak mampu nak buat semuanya on time.

Beginilah, bila sakit datang dalam keadaan yang tak terduga, masa kesihatan itu amat diperlukan, untuk lulus exam, demi untuk masa depan. Just pray to Allah, semoga diberi kesihatan, ataupun kemudahan melalui masa sempit ini, sebab Allah yang beri semua ni, He wants us to come closer to Him and pray to Him, remember Him all the time; He knows the best for us. Dan sakit ini juga adalah penebusan dosa-dosa lampau yang tak terkira banyaknya. Be positive kan? Siapa tahu kalau-kalau aku sihat, aku terlalu berfoya-foya thus menambahkan lagi dosa yang sedia ada ataupun menjadikan aku seorang manusia yang berhidung tinggi kononnya mudah sangat subjek ni aku boleh buat pejam mata je?

Semoga kita selalu dalam perlindungannya. Orait, mari kita tidur dan berehat. Esok banyak lagi yang perlu dikejar.

Reverts

I am always astonished when reading about reverts. Their experiences are not miracle at all, but of sweat and time and courage and patient.

Currently I am reading a blog of a revert. She reverted to Islam when she was 18, and that was just a bit more than a year ago. She is very strong, and brave of telling her parents about her reversion despite of the result of might be disowned by her own parents. Currently her mom is okay with that, but her father already disowned her. But she still trying to contact him whenever she can, just her father never pick up the phone.

I just came to the part of how she started to learn about Islam. And really, she read not just simple books, but also the Quran. And that was when she was at school and still not reverted. See, how many of us really read thoroughly the Quran? I mean read, not just reciting what is in it. Me myself never read that much. Maybe just less than half of it. And yet, I am older than her, and much longer being in Islam than her.

Friday, 29 October 2010

Kenyang Perut Suka Hati

Pertama sekali saya ingin menyampaikan penghargaan buat Fazita Mohamad yang membelikan saya makanan sebentar tadi, juga kepada Siti (Nur) Haliza Ali sebab mengambil order. Hehe...

Orait, just now berborak dengan teman sebilik, aku mengatakan yang aku sekarang ni makin malas. Well, always malas. To people yang pernah bertandang ke bilik aku, walau di mana juga (except at KYUEM sebab masa tu bilik aku memang selalu kemas), memang nampak limpahan dan longgokan beg, pakaian, kertas-kertas dan barang-barang seperti pin, wayar, botol-botol, fail, klip kertas dan sebagainya sama ada di atas katil, di atas lantai, mahupun di atas meja. Not that I didn't try to tidy them up, but I always ended up kemas dalam sejam dua, tak sampai 10 minit dah bersepah semula.

Mak fedap tau!!!!

Jangan Mengikut Macam Lembu

Aku tertarik dengan satu ayat yang pernah aku baca tak lama dahulu.
Orang Melayu ni, kalau tentang isu sensitif agama, memang berkobar-kobar berjuang; walaupun dia tak sembahyang!

Dan juga,
Menurut kajian, lebih kurang 80% orang Islam di Malaysia ni tak solat.

Dan lagi satu,
Wanita Barat yang memeluk Islam, juga mengenakan hijab, sedangkan ramai yang lahir asalnya Muslim tidak berbuat demikian.

Tambah lagi satu,
Tidakkah mereka sedar bahawa pengunjung utama kelab-kelab malam adalah anak-anak muda Melayu beragama Islam?

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Kawan Aku Nak Kawin

Right, he is one of my best friend, at school. And I just know who is he going to marry. Budak Clifford jugak!!!

Aku gelak sajalah. Gaya dia cakap hari tu macamlah aku tak kenal. Aku ingatkan siapalah bakal isteri dia tu.



To Encik Ashraf bin Abdul Hadi, selamat pengantin baru dude! Gua doakan lu bahagia dunia akhirat dengan bini, anak-anak semua. Sorilah gua tak datang. Gua bukan macam lu ada kete sendiri, boleh ronggeng sana sini.

Okeh, sape lagi nak kawin? Seronok juga buat ucapan ni.

Bosan, Mungkin.

I'm in class. Studying, alhamduliLlah. But most of the time surfing the internet. I did blog's 'make-up', adding this and that, and learnt a bit (finally!) how to use a photoshop software. Baru rasa berguna ada benda tu dalam laptop.

Nak balik bilik. Nak tidur. Nak makan nasi. Lapo..........

Tenkaichi Cardiff

This is what I found in Facebook just now.



I used to eat at Tenkaichi, several times. And I like the food they serve, Japanese obviously. They use halal meat (except pork of course), but according to Mutheerah said, they don't separate the utensils used.

Anyway, this is one of the shot when we were there.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Anjing

Frankly, I like dogs. Nothing wrong with them, but once they bark, memang agak scary. Anjing belaan selalunya comel dan manja. Macam kucing. But kucings are annoying. I'll talk about cats later, in other entry.

Right, we tend to run away when we meet a dog. Itu macam tindakan refleks. Anjing -> lari. The first reason is because people says that anjing is haram to be touched. Ini perlu diperbetulkan. Tak haram untuk pegang. But then samaklah semula. Macam kita pegang taik ayam contohnya, kotor, jadi basuhlah sampai bersih. Same goes to anjing and babi, but babi is haram untuk dimakan. Pegang tak ada masalah. Tapi siapa mahu pegang kan? Leceh nak samak pula.

Okay, berbalik kepada kisah lari daripada anjing. I've seen lots of reactions from my friends bila terserempak dengan anjing. The best is Husna's, di depan pagar Senghenydd suatu masa dahulu. Memang..........orang sekeliling pun terkejut jadinya. Dan aku ketawa terbahak-bahak. Hehe..

Tapi sekarang, presenting photo of the day......!!!!



Kami sedang berjalan-jalan sambil mengambil gambar. Kemudian ada seekor anjing sedang berlari-lari mengambil angin bersama tuannya di taman yang hijau lagi menyegarkan itu. Dek kerana takutnya dengan makhluk bernama anjing ini, sahabat saya ini mengambil langkah untuk lari ke seberang sungai walaupun anjing tersebut tidak terdetik pun untuk melihat malahan mendekati beliau. Saya yang terpinga-pinga dengan tindakan beliau hanya tergelak dari jauh, kemudian mengikut beliau dan seterusnya melepak atas jambatan sambil melihat mat saleh tengah berjemur di tepi sungai. (kantoi ambil gambar dia tak berbaju..ahakkkksss!!)

Enough of that. Credit to Izat (^_^)

Binatang peliharaan ni sangat leceh bila dia berak. Macam anjing ni, memang terjadi banyak kali beliau membuang air besar di flower bed depan rumah even tak ada bunga pun. Adakah rumah kami itu tandas untuk mereka, entahlah. Yang pastinya, dahlah tension dengan burung camar yang menyepahkan sampah, kemudian sampah berterabur termasuklah sampah dari sekitar di kawasan rumah, anjing membuang merata-rata lagi.

So, kesimpulannya, to those yang ada membela ni, anda sangat tabah menyucikan najis binatang-binatang ni. Kalau hamba, tak sangguplah nak buat.

Kesimpulan yang aku boleh buat, tak payah bela binatang.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Tersadai......Atas Katil

Oit!! Jangan fikir bukan-bukan ye.

Aku sedang melepak atas katil, dari siang tadi. Sekali sekala bila perlu ada jugalah bangun dan bergerak ke tempat lain seperti tandas contohnya. Dan sekali sekala adalah cuba untuk duduk tetapi selepas 10 minit nescaya aku berdebuk jatuh ke atas tilam sebab kepala tak tahan duduk tinggi sangat daripada anggota badan yang lain. Dia gayat, lepas tu mulalah nak loya-loya.

I was told to go to sleep, but then dalam kepala ni asyik fikir 'next week exam. Aku tak habis study lagi.' Kemudian kepala mulalah menerawang perkara-perkara yang tak patut dan membawa kesan emosi yang negatif seterusnya melayakkan airmata untuk mengalir membasahi pipi.

I want to read, I want to write. Tapi keadaan sungguh tidak mengizinkan. Setakat ni hanya bahan bacaan yang amat ringan saja yang mampu untuk melepasi halangan ni.

Tadi melihat gambar kawan-kawan semasa di kolej. Rindu saat tu, zaman tu. Dan seterusnya mengenang kembali zaman gila-gila dulu. Kenapa ye, semasa tu bukan aku tak tahu salah ataupun tidak, tapi masih juga buat. Dan kenapa ye, masa tu aku tak boleh nak tahan mengantuk dan terus-terusan tak ke kelas berbulan lamanya sedangkan di sini hanya beberapa kali saja aku ponteng, itu pun bersebab.

Adakah kerana suasana yang sangat skema? Ataupun kerana pengaruh usia menyebabkan aku mampu untuk tidak main-main lagi? Atau adakah kerana faktor dah-tua-tak-habis-belajar-lagi-orang-lain-dah-mula-kerja-kawin-ada-anak-ko-still-belajar-lagi berjaya memotivasikan aku untuk tak ponteng walaupun mengantuk gila tak tidur malam tu?

Sesungguhnya mengenangkan kejahilan di masa lalu selalu membuat aku rasa nak saja diputarkan masa kembali ke zaman itu maka dapat aku betulkan apa yang salah, yang pincang dan yang keterlanjuran. Okay, zaman itu aku bangga aku jadi macam bohsia. Well, sebab orang tak berani buat benda yang aku berani. Berani tak bertempat. Really, I was such a stupid person.

Okay, sekarang pun taklah baik sangat pun. Selalu saja buat jahat. And sometimes aku rasa gembira jadi macam dulu. Dan ada saja perangai lampau yang dah jadi macam habit dan sukar nak kikis. Tapi sorok lama-lama pun perangai huduh tu akhirat nanti semua orang tahu. Okay, itu sangat memalukan dan aku betul-betul nak stop.

Aku ada terfikirlah nak jadi gorgeous sikit, tapi rasa malu pulak.

Sejak bila aku jadi pemalu?

Kurang Sihat

Sejak pulang dari rumah pada hujung minggu yang lalu, aku rasa tak sedap badan. Kepala rasa berat, dan kalau boleh nak baring selalu. Tekak pun ada sikit loya. Okay, baru baik demam beberapa minggu yang lalu dah nak demam balik-kah?

Next week exam.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Small & Portable Devices

Okay, mula-mula sekali, I love technology. Why? Because they make our life easier. For example, we got mobile phones, instead of the home ones. And we got laptop, instead of desktop.

So, what about that? I just browsed over Kindle Amazon, which is an e-reader. It is so cool, and I used to have a dream having one. I mean, berat kan nak bawa buku besar-besar (mine all are large and chunky) merata-rata. Dan kita boleh pilih nak baca buku mana over around 3500 books. Bunyi macam seronok.

Okay, kita putar balik masa dalam setahun yang lalu, dimana aku nak beli PDA. Sangat cool, sebab it really acts as a mini laptop. You can browse over internet, play musics and videos, ada Microsoft Office, etc. Macam perfect-lah kononnya. But then, fikir semula, a small device like than wont stay long with me, as I am kind of always browsing, playing songs all the time. Jadi cancel beli.

And before, as I was shopping for a mobile phone, I was searching for phones with large memory. I got lots of songs, and I always listen to them. But the largest memory all the phones can have is 2Gb. Jadi I just bought any phone, and next I bought an mp3 player with 16Gb + 8Gb extra memory card yang aku salah beli. Cool-lah tu even I usually thought of buying a new one tapi apa salah guna yang lama sebab masih elok dan berfungsi dengan baik.

Next, about laptop. Which I really in love now, because it is so portable. I got a broadband, and the battery of the laptop can stand around 4 - 5 hours. Rasa macam sangat mudah melepak mana-mana pun boleh browse over internet, or read books (I got some books in PDF) or write or doing homework. Having that laptop, and my mp3 player plus mobile phone untuk bercanda dengan orang tersayang sekali sekala, someone can lost in her world for hours.

Technology really is making our life easier.

Monday, 25 October 2010

Idea

I got certain topics and some idea to write, but then, being at home and overly pampered makes my mind going blunt and I can't write a thing. Hehe...

Yesterday, Mak and Abah and Kecik and Zakwan went to Kuantan and I was left alone at home. Bear was there but went back to her college after noon. Boleh saja nak masak but then I was too lazy so I called Abang, we went out and makan-makan. Okay, going out with me never be a romantic one. Other than mumbling about too educational things, I also eat agak gelojoh (compared to him yang agak sopan santun), and entah bila masa nak jadi lemah lembut macam perempuan.

Sometimes I thought, 'I should say sorry at him for being too harsh. I mean, when he's at my house, I called him OIT!! in front of everyone instead of calling him politely Abang. And well, of course he's always being my victim, kena buli saja.' I don't know whether he feels embarrass about me, but he's too nice.

Really, I am always being pampered by my love ones. I never being asked to do heavy work, including some which I believe I can do, but they prefer me to just sit. Paling berat pun suruh kemas rumah saja.

I love them so much.

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Twenty-Fourth of October

I am supposed to read, to study.

But I'm so lazy.

My family all are at Kuantan; Mak has a course and the rest jalan-jalanlah. I refused to go because I don't have my camera and I was kind of pissed of because of always telling the plan last minute so I didn't prepare anything. They told me yesterday, just some hours before going. Siapa tak marah?

So here I am, at home, alone. Tengok tv sajalah. Bosan.

Nak berpoya-poya tak ada duit.

Haiiihhhhhhhh......

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Aku Pokai Sudah...

Mana taknya. Makan tak berkira. Beli saja apa yang nak. Lepas tu, sekejap je habis. Badan naik tak juga.

Lagipun recently aku beli laptop kan. So, memanglah habis cepat duit. (ayat memujuk hati)

Mak, nak duit.

Friday, 22 October 2010

Tudung

We got lots of tudung at home. Mostly are mine, from around 10 years ago until now.

Right.

The topic is, about the proper way of wearing tudung. I admit, wearing a shorter tudung is more attractive. And, me myself actually not keen on wearing tudung. I think that I'm not suitable to wear one, and always end up berserabut wearing it. And just recently I feel comfortable of wearing tudung, and now I like wearing it most of the time. But there is time when I feel like to throw out all the tudung I got and be a free-hair.

So, what about the proper way?

As I learnt before, and most of the people know, the tudung must cover our chest. In easy words, make sure that the tudung must hide the shape of out breast. But most of the people just make it to cover the hair only. That is not really the purpose of wearing tudung.

This is not to attack certain someone. This is for everyone, whether as a new knowledge, or as a reminder. And certainly is for me who at most of the time tergoda with the types of tudungs available nowadays. Of course I want to be beautiful. Everyone does. And some time I did wear shorter tudung, and fancier than the ones I use now.
Manusia kan, selalu saja kalah dengan tipu daya syaitan. Hari ni kata, kasi pendek sikit takpe. Tak nampak sangat beza. Then, bila dah biasa pakai tudung macam tu, ayat yang sama juga diulang, hinggalah jadi sependek takat tutup rambut saja.

And if anybody notice, I already stop wearing tudung labuh. I felt that I'm not worth to wear until I already become someone I supposed to be. Okay, macam bodoh saja alasan.

It's Not Good Not To Like Someone Else

Well, I have this certain someone which I don't even want to see, at all. I don't know, each time I see this person, I suddenly have this feeling near to hate. For me, this person is not understandable, likes to divert the topics being discussed, and too schematic, if that's the right word. But then in the same time, this person is very nice and caring.

But then I decided to leave the near-to-hate feeling and accept this certain someone bad traits, and only look at this person's good side.

Well, I also have bad traits, much more than anyone I ever met, and always overshadowed my good trait. So, surely I don't want anyone to hate me, even if I don't really care being hated. But, accepting each other is the best to live among people. Nobody is perfect, but we can move toward perfect. But don't be a perfectionist. That makes people hate you even more.

That has been the things I told myself repeatedly.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Menulis

Aku suka menulis. Sangat suka. Tapi aku lagi suka menaip. Dua perkara yang sama, iaitu penulisan tetapi menggunakan mekanisme yang berbeza.

Aku tahu aku tidaklah pandai menulis. Hanya cerita, selalunya omong kosong sahaja.

Menulis ini ada banyak tujuan. Yang paling utama, pada hemat aku, adalah untuk mencurahkan perasaan. Selalunya orang guna diari. Pada aku tak efektif. Kerana diari adalah satu penulisan yang bosan, kerana bercerita seorang diri, tak ada audien. Bila tidak ada audien, rasa seperti penulisan itu hambar dan kurang menarik, sebab yang akan baca nanti hanyalah diri sendiri, yang memang sudah tahu tentang cerita yang ditulis itu.
Sebab itu aku tulis blog. Walaupun aku tak pasti ada orang baca ataupun tidak, menarik ataupun tidak (kerana citarasa dan pendapat manusia berbeza), aku rasa dengan menganggap akan ada audien yang akan membaca nanti menjadikan aku menulis dengan cantik. Aku ingin orang rasa seronok, ataupun dapat input apa yang ingin aku sampaikan. Makanya, pada pendapat aku penulisan blog ini adalah bersifat ala diari yang ada pengajaran. Kononnyalah.

Selalu juga aku cakap tentang perkara ni; bahasa. Ini pendapat peribadi aku. Untuk mendapatkan hasil yang menarik, gunakan bahasa dengan baik. Ejaan mesti tepat, grammar (aku tak tahu apa makna grammar dalam Bahasa Melayu)pun kena tepatlah. Namun perkataan yang 'fancy' boleh saja nak guna, tapi berpada-padalah. Janganlah dari awal sampai habis ejaan caca marba.
Bahasa adalah identiti sesebuah bangsa. Ramai kalangan masyarakat yang terlalu menggunakan bahasa pasar, atau bahasa terlalu pasar dan pelat di masa ini, sehingga tak tercapai maksud penulisan, dan sekaligus melemahkan penguasaan bahasa dikalangan kita.

Dan jika anda perasan, aku selalu menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris sebagai medium, selain daripada Bahasa Melayu. Aku kira, penggunaan kedua-dua bahasa tersebut adalah 50-50 dalam blog ini. Bahasa Melayu itu, sebagaimana yang diketahui adalah bahasa aku. Aku menggunakan Bahasa Melayu hampir 95% dalam kehidupan seharian.
Dan Bahasa Inggeris pula, aku kira merupakan lingua franca pada masa kini. Bahasa yang merupakan bahasa ilmu. Penguasaannya dapat meluaskan lagi dunia aku, ilmu dan pengetahuan sebab banyak sumber terdapat dalam Bahasa Inggeris, termasuklah yang diterjemahkan daripada bahasa asing yang lain. Dan nak belajar bahasa lain pun baiknya dengan menguasai Bahasa Inggeris dahulu sebab Bahasa Melayu ni lain daripada yang lain. Setakat ni aku diberitahu hanya Bahasa Welsh saja yang macam Bahasa Melayu. Lain-lain bahasa adalah lebih mirip kepada struktur dalam Bahasa Inggeris.

Ini, sengaja aku tulis. Biasalah, aku katakan dari awal lagi aku suka menulis. Aku menulis berkenaan apa saja, tapi lebih kepada pemikiran aku sendiri berkenaan sesuatu isu. Tapi aku tidaklah nak menyebarkan ideologi atau pegangan apa pun. Manusia punya akal, boleh digunakan untuk mentafsir sesuatu perkara yang diterima. Bukan lembu yang hanya mengikut orang yang menariknya. Jadi, jadikanlah sesuatu yang kita baca dan dengar itu satu bahan mentah untuk akal kita proses yang seterusnya menjadi ilmu, atau pemahaman mahupun ideologi atau prinsip dalam diri kita.

Macam manalah orang yang malas membaca macam aku ni boleh rajin nak menulis?

Ketidakwarasan Padaku - Sheila On 7

Ketidakwarasan padaku
Membuat bayangmu selalu ada
Menentramkan malamku
Mendamaikan tidurku.

Ketidakwarasan padaku
membuat hidupku lebih tenang
Aku takkan sadari
Bahawa kau tak lagi di sini.

Aku mulai nyaman
Berbicara pada dinding kamar
Aku takkan tenang
Saat sihatku datang.

Ketidakwarasan padaku
Selimut tebal hati rapuhku
Berkah atau kutukan
Namamu yang kusebut.

Aku mulai nyaman
Berbicara pada dinding kamar
Aku takkan tenang
Saat sihatku datang.

Luka hati akan mati
Jika jiwa terus menari dan bermimpi.

Luka hati akan mati
Jika jiwa terus menari dan bermimpi.

Ketidakwarasan padaku
Selimut tebal hati rapuhku
Aku takkan sadari
Bahawa kau tak lagi di sini.

Aku takkan sadari
Bahawa kau tak lagi di sini.




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I like the lyrics. Entahlah, bila hati dalam kesedihan yang teramat sangat, kadang-kadang ingin saja jadi gila, biar tak ingat langsung akan wujudnya dunia, biar kesakitan itu hilang.

I used to be one.

Dan ianya sangat menyakitkan.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Hikikomori II

Pandang kiri, kanan, semuanya dinding. Kipas berputar sedang itu jugalah. Jari-jemari masih lagi rancang menekan kekunci komputer ribanya, sedang headphone ditelinga juga rancak mengalunkan lagu-lagu kegemarannya. Sekejap kepalanya terangguk-angguk. Paling tidak pun dia duduk menopang dagu di hadapan skrin komputer ribanya, memikirkan sesuatu barangkali. Lalu lalang orang di hadapan biliknya tidak pun dia hiraukan. Perut yang berkeroncong, pundi kencing yang dah pun penuh, pun dibiarkannya. Entahkan asyik, entahkan malas.

Sekejap dia meraba-raba telefon bimbit yang ada berdekatan. Ditekan satu butang; tidak ada mesej yang diterima. Diletakkan semula telefon itu. Dia kemudian berdiri, berjalan dua tiga langkah, mengelilingi bilik kecilnya. Dia kemudian duduk kembali, mengadap skrin komputer ribanya. Kemudian dia mengeluh. Bosan.

Tangan kembali ke kekunci komputer. Menaip itu dan ini. Kemudian berteleku. Bosan berteleku, dia bersandar. Masih lagi headphone mengalunkan lagu, masih lagi ada yang lalu lalang di hadapan bilik.

Bosan.

Lantas dia ke katil, merebahkan diri. Pusing ke kanan, pejamkan mata. Setelah sepuluh minit, dia berpusing pula ke kiri. Kemudian menerap, menelentang, memeluk bantal. Masih tidak dapat melelapkan mata.

Dia duduk, merenung komputer riba yang berada di atas meja. Kembali dia ke sana, menekan kekunci. Dia mengeluh kembali. Meraba kembali telefon bimbit, tiada mesej.

Perut berkeroncong, pundi kencing penuh. Masih juga dia duduk di situ.

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Bosan bukan? Ya, cerita di atas seperti tidak bermakna, dan kusam serta suram. Beginilah yang dilalui oleh mereka yang mengasingkan diri dari khalayak. Perkara yang sama, rutin. Dan mereka mencari kepuasan dengan gadjet serta alam maya, namun ianya tidak memberi kepuasan selamanya.

Situasi seperti di atas sebenarnya dialami ramai. Pernahkah kita menekan butang 'home' berkali-kali menanti update daripada 'friends' di Facebook? Ataupun refresh berkali-kali laman yang sama. Ataupun duduk menghadap kaca televisyen dari pagi hingga ke malam tanpa menghiraukan diri sendiri ataupun orang di sekeliling? Ataupun bermain PSP tak henti-henti hingga rosak console? Ataupun mengurung diri di dalam bilik, takut untuk bertemu dengan orang lain?

Bantulah mereka.

Cerita Mimpi : Inchuk

Ini cerita mimpi aku. Jangan percaya.
Satu dokumentari telah diadakan untuk menemuramah satu kaum yang diberitakan telah membunuh sekumpulan penyamun yang telah menyerang kampung mereka. Kaum ini dinamakan Inchuk, dan kampung tempat tinggal mereka ini seperti satu kota lama besar yang berdindingkan batu-batu gergasi seperti mana yang ditemui pada kota-kota dan kubu yang digunakan pada zaman dahulu. Kaum ini tinggal secara terpencil disalah satu negara di Eropah.

Kaum ini telah mengejutkan benua Eropah atas pembunuhan sekumpulan penyamun, kira-kira 20 orang yang telah menyerang kota mereka, dan pembunuhan itu telah dilakukan hanya oleh dua orang pemuda dengan hanya bersenjatakan tombak (spears).

Melalui kajian daripada beberapa orang pengkaji, kaum itu masih lagi mengamalkan cara hidup pada zaman feudal, akan tetapi masih mengikuti peredaran masa walaupun ketinggalan dalam 10 tahun ke belakang. Namun begitu, kaum ini begitu mahir menggunakan senjata, sama ada senjata lama seperti tombak dan pedang, mahupun senjata moden seperti pistol dan senapang. Maka tidak hairanlah penyamun-penyamun itu berjaya ditumpaskan dengan mudah oleh hanya dua orang pemuda.

Menurut kajian tersebut, pemuda kira-kira 15 tahun hingga 25 tahun merupakan golongan yang paling ramai di antara kaum tersebut. Pemuda-pemuda ini seperti tidak tertarik pun dengan trend dan ikutan zaman sekarang, malah menjadi kekuatan utama kaum tersebut. Didapati juga, kaum ini begitu kuat pegangan agamanya dan merupakan pendorong utama bagi kaum ini dalam meneruskan hidup mereka melawan arus dunia sekarang. Juga didapati, kebanyakan kaum ibu tinggal di rumah menjadi surirumah dan merupakan golongan agama yang paling kuat berbanding lelaki.

Seorang wartawan dengan berani cuba untuk menemuramah kaum itu, akan tetapi tidak mendapat keizinan, malahan diberi amaran oleh seorang pemuda yang kelihatan berusia kira-kira 20 tahun,' Kami tidak meminta apa-apa dari kamu. Jadi adalah lebih baik kamu pergi dan tidak mengganggu kami.'

Begitulah kaum yang hidupnya tidak menghiraukan peredaran masa yang dianggap hanya menghancurkan, malahan percaya bahawa agama merupakan tunjang dalam membentuk insan yang kuat dari segi jasmani mahupun mental. Yang lebih menarik ialah peranan kaum muda dalam mempertahankan dan membina bangsa tersebut.

Aku tak tahu kenapa aku boleh bermimpi tengok dokumentari dalam tv. Ini kali pertama aku mimpi macam tu, tapi sangat menarik. Rasa-rasa logik tak kalau bangsa kita boleh jadi macam tu?

Hikikomori

From Wikipedia:
Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり Hikikomori?, literally "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive people who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to people belonging to this societal group. In Western terminology this group may include individuals suffering from social phobia or social anxiety problems. This could also be due to agoraphobia, avoidant personality disorder or painful or extreme shyness.


Ada dalam diri kita?

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Cerita Tentang Malas

Sekarang. Tengah. Mengadap. Susu. Tambah. Nestum. Tambah. Madu. Panas.

I was thinking of nyamuk. After the seminar this evening, which ended around 5 PM, I went back and tidur. I was thinking of praying, but then, as usual, MALAS. So, after berangan around 15 minutes, I slept.

Dalam jam 6, aku dikejutkan dengan gatal, at my fingers and feet. Oleh kerana gatal yang amat sangat, aku bangun dan seekor nyamuk pun berjaya dibunuh.

Then I looked at the time, 6 PM. I lied down back, trying to sleep. But something was in my mind; why don't I just got up and pray?
I didn't know if SETAN really was having a 'conversation' with me that time. I can't sleep, and was thinking, Allah sent the nyamuks to wake me up, so that I will pray. He wanted me to meet Him. And usually, I easily fall back to sleep. But this evening, it was hard even if I was very sleepy due to only 2 hours of sleep that morning

There are two types of thinking in our mind; one is saying 'well, you can wait. Ko pun bukanlah baik sangat. Setakat tinggal dua, tiga kali semayang pun relaxlah. Baru nampak kau macam manusia biasa. Ko semayang pun, ko buat dosa besar lain gak. Nampak hipokrit.', and another one is saying,'Allah beri peringatan tu. Bukan senang nak dapat peringatan direct macam tu. Kau baru buat dosa besar, kejap je tadi. Sudah-sudahlah. Jangan tambah lagi satu. Bangun, solat Asar.'

And as you can see, the one yang ajak kepada kejahatan tu adalah lebih logikal alasannya. Dan selalunya aku tertarik kepada yang logikal itu. I don't want to be hypocrite as 'he' said.

Cara ajakan tu, memang mudah saja, kalau nak dilihatlah. Ada sesetengah orang yang begitu menekankan prinsip hidup, maka prinsip hidup itu yang menjadi perkara untuk dicucuk-cucuk. Dan bagi wanita pula, sebab nak cantik dan berkeyakinan, pun menjadi perkara hasutan syaitan. Dan bagi yang berpasangan, perkara indah tentang berpasangan pula yang menjadi perkara godaan mereka.

They are using simple reasons untuk menipu kita. But still, kita terlalu ikut logik akal untuk buat pilihan. Mereka tak suruh dan paksa kita, tapi kita yang buat pilihan.

Ya Allah, kami memohon dariMu dari godaan syaitan yang direjam.

Air Minum

Okay, to those who know me, I always bring a big bottle of drinking water almost to anywhere. When I'm going to class, outing or balik kampung, I will always bring water at least in 1 liter bottle. And recently, I got myself a big bottle of 2 liter, and that is the stock of my drinking water.

So, what is about that? I actually don't like bring lots of things when I went out. In my past, I usually bring only my handphone, house key and wallet, which I put in my jeans pocket.
I always see Chinese brings big bottle of drinking water to class. And I thought, that is good. Because drinking a lot of plain water is good for health, also to prevent us from being sleepy.

I'm drinking lots of water because of health. I always got bad urine result in all my medical check up because I drink less. And for avoiding being sleepy in class, I'm not practising that.

I am known as someone who sleeps a lot. That has been for years, since I was in school. I was known as sleeping beauty (not really a beauty, that's just name) in school. And I used to not to go to class because of my sleeping problem. And I still have that problem until now. But I do try hard not to sleep when there is a teaching and learning process in class, but I will sleep if there's none. I sleep in each assembly, and almost in all talks, almost each evening and of course at night. But I have difficulties in sleeping at night even I don't have enough sleep.

Enough of that. Continuing about the drinking water. One of my friends told me that mineral water that we buy actually is more harmful that tap water. Mind you that in UK, we can obtain drinking water just from tap water, ie the water need not to be boiled but is drank right away from the tap. So, why is mineral water harmful? Because it contains minerals, and the minerals react with the inner surface of the water, which is plastic. So, we have extra 'minerals' in mineral water; plastic particles, or maybe components of it.

Now, I drink filtered water, and sometimes mineral water. Tap water in here, I think is not really clean, compared to the filtered one. Actually, the drinking water in my house is from filtered water directly from the tap. And I think it is good for me. I never have diarrhea due to drinking water; it usually is from food. And I sleep less, even that is not the main point of me drinking lots of water.

Is 2 liter is enough for the daily recommendation? Let see, each day we need to drink at least 8 glasses of water. Let us say that a glass of water consists of 300ml, so 8 glasses will be 2400ml which is equal to 2.4 liter. No! It still is not enough. So, let us think back of what we drink each day. How much of sugary drink, and how much of plain water?

Water is necessary to ensure that our body function is in good condition. It got something to do with the electrolytes in the body; well, I already forgot what's the function. But everyone knows that water is good for our health. We need not to just dieting all day long, eating less fat and carbohydrate, but we also need to drink lots of water. By dieting, we actually cutting supply of energy to our body, and our body need to be refreshed. Kesian la kat badan tu..

Okay, actually I need to finish up my burger because I am very very sleepy at the moment and it is already 2.20 AM. Ini namanya makan tengah malam, and I am disappoint as even how much I eat and how late, I still got this body with maintain weight of 40 kg. I'm underweight. And that is not good, and I got heart problem, and of course easily tired. I think that I have weird metabolism. For example, yesterday evening when I was in library, I was sweating even the library's aircond was really strong macam transition from spring to summer. Well, maybe macam summer yang paling sejuk la.

Dah habis makan!! Jom tido.....

Bukan Sesuatu Yang Membahagiakan

Well, I believe I'm the most stupid person in class. Because I am totally lost, because of having no basic knowledge in certain subject, especially my major. Manusia manakah yang paling berkerut dahinya mendengar segala macam istilah dan bentuk-bentuk chemicals yang tak difahami langsung? Gua.

Seriously, I should ask to change the major subject to Maths, because I know that is my strength. Learning something is the second target in here; all are about doing the coursework and exam. And everyone already have strong basic in all the subjects, which they all learnt in their foundation year. And me? I'm left out.

I'm really not kind of biology and chemistry type of person. I said this lots of time before; I never learn biology before. And when I learnt it, it sucks. Because all already have basic and I have no idea of what is actually going on and I was just bantai and buat kesimpulan sendiri based on what I've read. And the same goes to chemistry which I am learning right now. It is double sucks from biology. That is number 3 in my whining list; after water and workloads in here.

I really feel like quitting this course. Tapi ada beberapa minggu saja lagi before end of semester, so just bear with it. And I hopefully next semester, which we will learn physics, I won't be in this state again, or I'll go nuts.

And what about the certain subject that the lecturer almost never got into class and we actually know nothing about the course and suddenly got news that this Thursday will be the exam? Okay, some minor but nasty words already come out my mouth.

Right, change the subject. What about water? We are doing great in here. We learn how to never kencing or berak for days, mandi is already something unimportant here. Or maybe we need to learn not to eat nor drink for weeks or months so that we need not to berak or kencing anymore. That will be great.

I never thought that this place is going to be like this. It is worst than my 4 years in Clifford, 10 to 5 years before.

I love this place is in Lipis. It is close to my parents house, and my spouse, but I don't like living in here. We got money, but it's being spent to something else, something that brings popularity. But we are suffering in here. Not just the students, but lecturers too. We can see, even if they never tell us. I just hope the next full 3 years will go away just like that. Well, I want to learn at least something during the period. But please make me feel that 3 years is nothing but just 3 days or 3 hours.

Segala-galanya menyakitkan.

Monday, 18 October 2010

AlhamduliLlah

First of all, thanks to Allah for his rezqi, even if I initially have no money, but ended up eating lots and lots of food. And I am very full right now, but still got a burger to finish. Hoho...makan besar wehhh!!

Secondly, I'm in a good mood even if I actually was stressed out in class rasa nak mengamuk sudah. But still, manage to control everything, except my appetite.

Next, I think I have a good relation right now. With everyone, despite of lots of controversies lingering around. But, that's what I feel. Need not to be true. I just feel good.

What else eh? Well, for being in good condition, alive, and not sick. And a bit rajin. Hehe..perasan wehhhh!!!

And I really really really want to be a mother. And being a mother to that special person's children. Hehe...I menggatal sudah. But, usually mothers call me as 'akak' to their children, instead of 'makcik' or 'aunty'. But I remembered this one chinese mother call me as 'aunty' to her daughter. That was in emergency room in hospital. I was very happy at that moment even I was loya-loya and terlantar atas katil tunggu air menitik masuk dalam tangan. Hehe...

Once A Rockers, Always Will Be

Really? Well, might be. But not necessary.

In my opinion, each and every person has specific interest. And this interest, despite of the bad or good it is, cannot be forgotten easily, and might be lingering around till the end of life.

Most of the people who used to be rockers, and now diverting their lifestyle contrasts to what they used to be, still have that spirit in them no matter what. They might interpret their previous life as bad or 'jahil', but still, once in a time they still remember and miss the time.

That is my opinion. Depends on you to accept or not.

I believe, in all the things that happen and exist in this world, have their own good and bad side. It is us to chose which we want to take, and how we interpret things.

Sunday, 17 October 2010

Next Entry Of Marah

Well, being not in a good mood few days before, resulting me in worse situation.

I'm out of money, frankly. I just got RM 15.xx, this evening. Abang was fetching me from bus station in Lipis, and sent me to maktab, as usual if Abah's not sending me back. I went to the bank to withdraw some money but the ATM was out of service.

So, I was pissed off and kind of merajuk on the way back. He tried to talk to me, and even smile to please me (which usually that can make me okay) but I didn't reply back. And I even gave him RM10, kind of insulting him by 'paying' him for his help. So, it resulted in him not talking to me anymore, and I have no money except the ones for the bus fare to go home this Friday and some shillings to buy water (because there is no water in the block) and that's that.

My bad mood and behaviour really kick me off. Now I'm depending on the 'makan-makan' that might be hold in this week; that will be two. And I have to eat biscuits.

I just hope he'll be okay, at least. Well, me as well. Hope my stomach can stand without nasi for days.

Reflection? I know it's not good being in bad mood all the time. I don't want to promise something like, 'I promise won't get angry anymore'. I just hope I learn something from this, practically.

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Sesuatu Yang Tak Disangka......

When I was in class, I got a text from Abah saying he will fetch me from maktab that afternoon. And I was so happy, it's something unexpected. And so he came, even a bit late but still I don't have to be worried anymore about how to go home. Even if I can go home by bus, but since I am very lazy so I always hope somebody will come and take me home.

Talking about being lazy. I told Abang recently that I actually kind of workaholic if it involves something that I love. BUT LUCKILY I AM LAZY so I won't be really workaholic as I could be. And he laughed because I said 'luckily I am lazy'.

Well, I'm going to browse through catalogs, I want to see if there is any shoes that I targeted before.

Marah: Muhasabah Diri

Mengenang kembali hari semalam yang tidak dapat dikawal perasaan negatifnya, aku duduk dan fikir, kenapa perlu aku marah? Adakah dengan marah-marah dan mengamuk selesai segala masalah. Sebagai orang kerdil dan tak punya apa-apa makna pada diri orang tersebut kecuali kerja, makanya hendak tak hendak aku kena bergerak. Kena kerja. Sebab itu yang diminta. Dan alhamduliLlah dalam keadaan hati yang panas, badan yang menggeletar menahan marah dan gelodak dalam perut yang tak henti-henti meminta darah, aku berjaya juga menyiapkan sedikit tugasan yang diberi. Kepuasan? Tidak. Sedikit pun tidak. Malah mengeluh, dan masih lagi dalam jiwa yang tertekan. Ikutkan hati tak perlu tidur saja pagi tadi. Biar berjaga hingga pagi hari menyiapkan semua tugasan dan seterusnya menyeret badan yang lemah ke kelas biar pengsan sahaja dek kepenatan amat sangat, namun dah dipujuk si buah hati maka tidur jugalah aku.

Seriously, bila dalam keadaan marah, segalanya bercampur baur dan salah faham berleluasa. Namun dalam masa yang sama tetap ingin menyalahkan orang itu dan orang ini; siapa sahaja yang salah faham. Walau sedar orang lain lebih berat bebannya namun tetap mahu marah. Marah itu hak aku, dan aku ingin marah. Menahan berkali-kali tak mungkin dapat, walaupun tidak mustahil saja untuk marah. Jadi aku katakan pada diri, biarlah jadi buruk nama dan orang tak suka. Buat apakah tiap kali punya perasaan perlu disekat-sekat dan dihalang perasaan itu. Bukan aku menyusahkan mereka pun. Aku bising-bising pun tidak mengusik mereka sedikit pun.

Makanya muhasabah diri ini tidaklah berguna kali ini sebabnya aku dah malas nak tahan perasaan ini.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Flats

Okay, I'm diverting my anger on something else.

Another version of flats, which I have posted before. This time is red in colour.



The design, again is simple. Oh how I want to have a vast collection of shoes with various colours and style.

Love this one too. It looks nice to be worn with white long skirt, striped white and orange long sleeve and pastel coloured hijab. Hoho...cool eh?

Marah

Dah lama tak betul-betul marah. Seriously badan rasa menggeletar dan really badly nak bermain dengan darah ataupun human flesh, slicing it bit to bit carik-carik tulang dari daging dan gelak sepuas-puasnya. Dan mulut pun dah mengeluarkan kata-kata yang kurang enak.

Aku sangat-sangat marah.

I'm Pissed Off, Again.

Rasa serabut dan nak marah. Why, everything must be told last minute?

Oh please-lah. Gua dah serabut dengan air yang tak ada even nak kencing pun kena angkat air and bawa ke toilet, for weeks!! Last week air ada di tandas just for less than half a day! And this week tak ada air langsung. Really, I can't consider living like this. And last week I was on my period. And that was like hell angkat air sampai bertong-tong to wash the pad, at least twice a day. And it really pissed me off lalu depan rumah warden dan dengar mesin basuh tengah spin whereas we in here, in the same block got no water harap je ada mesin basuh.

I don't know why we have to face something like this. Plus with the last minute assignmentS, dengan silibus yang tak habis lagi dan the coming exam, tak hairan sampai ada orang histeria atau depression but I JUST HOPE NOBODY WILL KILL HIM(HER)SELF.

You know, great universities overseas don't really have this kind of workloads especially the last minute ones, and they produce much higher level skilled graduates. And we in here, with so much 'kerenah' and too schematic; how can we conclude about the quality of the graduates and set aside the amount of them? And just how much our graduates being unemployed or unskilled?

Really, I just hope I just graduated and never ever faced these nonsenses!

Thursday, 14 October 2010

Memoranda Luka - Desire

Dedaun berserakan
Di atas bumi basah
Berlinang airmata
Si perindu yang malang
Dilihat sekelilingnya
Suria masih memancar
Burung yang berkicauan
Seolah tak hiraukan
Dia.

Harapan bertaburan
Diruang tak bernisan
Hatinya memberontak
Yang berwajahkan retak
Memoranda asmara
Telah jemu dibaca
Hanya menambah sebak
Luka di dalam dada
Dia.

Termenung di atas bangku basah
Walaupun hujan telah pun reda
Tapi tidak dihatinya
Masih gelora
Yang menghentam sukma
Dia.

Berombak pantai
Berombak hatinya
Ingin rasanya dikabarkan pada dunia
Walau ia sedar
Itu hanya mimpi
Dan kan menyerang
Seandainya terus begini.

(solo)

Sebuah sketsa rindu
Yang berirama pilu
Di luarnya bergema
Bagaikan halilintar
Didongaknya ke langit
Mendung bertandang lagi
Dengan hati yang pedih
Dia melangkah pergi
Sepi.


Termenung di atas bangku basah
Walaupun hujan telah pun reda
Tapi tidak dihatinya
Masih gelora
Yang menghentam sukma
Dia.

Berombak pantai
Berombak hatinya
Ingin rasanya dikabarkan pada dunia
Walau ia sedar
Itu hanya mimpi
Dan kan menyerang
Seandainya terus begini.




------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the best slow rock from Desire. I'm in love with this album because it's full of heavy songs which are critically cool to listen especially at the lead guitar, and slow songs which the lyrics are so sweet and meaningful.

Kenapakah layan lagu slow eh? No reason though. Just for some time, for a while. Lagipun tak kisahlah slow ataupun tidak as long as we appreciate what we listen and enjoy apa yang ingin disampaikan di dalam lagu tu. Jangan hanya dengar and that's that. Everything that is being created is for reasons, and don't let it slip away just like that.

Okay, aku jadi gila sikit dengar suara vokalisnya. :D

Constant

I really envy people who can do something which I want but I can't. For example, praying. How is that someone can constantly want to pray, and be faithful about religion etc?

Should never give up eh?

Sweet Charity - Datang & Pergi

Telah berlalu
Datang kembali
Terbayang di ruangan mata
Suka dan duka
Tinggal hanyalah kenangan.

Datang dan pergi
Sesuka hati
Menyusup dijiwa ini
Hingga di mana
Ianya akan berakhir.

Cukuplah derita
Sengsara yang ku alami
Biarlah ku pergi membawa hati ini
Relakan ku pergi.

Kini sudah kurasakan
Cukup aku menderita
Tak ingin lagi
Bercinta kedua kali.

Cukuplah derita
Sengsara yang kualami
Biarlah ku pergi membawa hati ini
Relakan ku pergi.

(solo)

Kini sudah kurasakan
Cukup aku menderita
Ku tak ingin lagi
Bercinta kedua kali.

Biarlah ini kujadikan
Cubaan dalam hidupku
Bukan maksudku
Untuk berpisah denganmu.

Cukuplah derita
Sengsara yang kualami
Biarlah ku pergi membawa hati ini
Cukuplah derita
Sengsara yang kualami
Biarlah ku pergi membawa hati ini.




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lagu ni well known to most of us. One of the best slow rock from Sweet Charity, or maybe people just know it's from Ramli Sarip. Okay, this song is from Batu, one of Sweet Charity's album, track number 3. I'm not sure which year it was.

Just enjoy.

Love

Some people tend to be disgusted when we talk about love. Is it wrong? Don't you have the feeling inside? Need not to be too disgusted. The feeling towards your parents, or even yourselves is still called love. So does the feeling towards another gender. And if without love, you won't even exist in this world. So why the ugly face?

True, that love can bring disaster to somebody. That is when is channeled to the wrong way. And if that's the reason why you hate being connected with this feeling, then you are easily generalizing things. Well, some people do play with other people's feeling. That is. But not a good reason of hating the feeling.

Simply said, love shouldn't be hated. But should be keep in a special place, and just for special ones.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Dinnerware

I used to collect dinnerware. I used to have a collection of plates. But unfortunately I left them all in Cardiff. Oh pinggan-pingganku.

But as I now live in a hostel, and never ever do any 'makan-makan', so what's the point of having lots of plates and mugs and all?

But early this morning I browsed over dinnerware and think, why don't I start collecting them? Well, they can be of use after I get marry. And I can just use them at home.

I like something like classic like English Rose pattern, simple like solid plain white, blue chinese pieces, or squares in shape. I like using chopsticks even when eating rice, but all depends on the food.

Why oh why there is no kitchen in here. At least a hot plate, so we can at least cook. Well, maybe they should ensure there is enough water for all before providing something else. For instance, they provide us with washing machines, but what for if the machines cannot operate because of no water?

Flats

I actually don't have much clothes which is suitable to wear with flats. But flats are simple and easy to wear. Are not really okay wearing for formal wear, which usually I do but just for some time, maybe flats with baju kurung is nice to get a teenager look.

I've browsed over Amazon.co.uk and am very keen looking at flats available there. I like this neon blue flats from Nine West.




The colour and design are very simple, it's bright and I think can really change someone's look from formal to cheeky.

Okay, target no 1 is already locked. Hahaha... but I have to be careful because I usually end up buying other things instead the one I'm looking for.

Fade-Up Tahu?

Semut-semut yang menginap dalam kettle kecik aku tu pun dah bosan duduk sini. Tak timbul-timbul dah sejak seminggu lepas. Dan dua hari aku duduk sorang-sorang dalam bilik dan tidur. Well, bukan bosan sampai tertidur tapinya. Tapi memang hidup untuk tidur sejak dua menjak baik demam ni. Bukan saja di bilik, malahan dalam kelas juga. Except today. Balik bilik nanti mungkin sambung tidur semula.

Fade-up actually sebab dah malas sangat-sangat nak belajar ni. Aku nak anak. Aku nak jaga anak. Aku dah bosan mengadap buku-buku, kertas, laptop ni even aku taklah belajar sangat pun sebenarnya. What the heck jadi macam budak sekolah lagi. For most of my friends, ramai yang nak sambung belajar. Buat master, then phD. But not for me. Aku lagi suka duduk rumah dan jaga anak dan laki.

Oh tolonglah 3 tahun ni berlalu.

Dear, maaflah you dapat bini pemalas macam I ni. I kuat tidur tahu, and kuat shopping dan kuat makan. Memang penat you nak jaga I ni. Tapi I tahu you sanggup kan. Kata sayang. Huhu....

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Lalalala......~~~

Nak earphone baru....yang senang dibawa merata-rata instead of this huge headphone. But I don't like both; earphone menyakitkan lubang telinga, headphone menyakitkan cuping telinga. Dah asyik sangat pakai, mana tak sakit. But the best way to listen to music is by using earphone. Sebab akan dengar segala benda. I'm kind of like to listen pada satu-satu bahagian at a time. For example, mula-mula dengar vokal, next instruments which usually are lead guitar, drum, bass, rhythm, and any additional ones. Speakers are used bila nak berparteyyy sahaja. Haha...

Anyway, dah agak lama tak post lagu and lyrics in here. Sebab utamanya ialah aku dah lama juga tak dengar lagu sebenarnya. I just updated my mp4 player last week yang sebenarnya dah lama tak berusik. Sekarang nak cari lagu pun dah malas. So far, I got the ones that I love. This time I just listen to those I like, and put aside all the albums and black metal ones. Okay, I really need to stop. People might say, tak elok dengar lagu black metal ni, etc. I don't really care because I like them, but to the matter of facts, I have to accept that opinion.

Okay, I hate this evening's exam question. It was about studying overseas, did badly in exams, graduating. Warrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!!!!! I know I did badly in my study before, very badly. Rasa macam, memang nak putar balik masa so that I will be already finish studying, dan boleh kerja dah dan boleh nak expecting anak dah tahun depan. But really, I can't. And dah tersurat pun I will be here. Both ways are good, but here is the best. So, terima kenyataan dude!! Now, even my juniors dah pun di tahun akhir, and I just started. Bersabar sajalah. The days will come. Another 3 years to go, bukannya lama sangat lagi.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Panas

Sangat panas sekarang ini. Plus dengan pinggang yang agak sakit. I don't know why. Any planning to do anything will be in fail; this heat kills the spirit.

I want to write, but got nothing to say. I've made an essay since 2 days ago, and just finished it this morning. Well, I started writing the essay back this morning dan pakai goreng saja. Seriously, it was then so easy to write one. There were so many ideas before, but just recently, I feel blank.

Nak cuci mata kat Amazonlah. Nak ikut? Jom!!! Semalam I nak shopping sakan tapi kepala pusing. And Cik Abang dah melepak luar kedai. Hehe.............

Next time ye dear, I nak kasut baru, and some shorts and tops.

Air

Kecik tanya aku semalam, masa aku tengah lipat baju banyak-banyak dan sumbat dalam beg, 'Kenapa Along bawa baju basuh kat rumah?'

Aku jawab dengan penuh perasaan, 'Sebab, kat maktab tu air baaaaaaaaanyak sangat sampai tak terbasuh baju.'

Kemudian dia senyap berfikir, kemudian dia sambung, 'ooooo...air tak ada.'











Agak-agaknya sampai aku grad nanti, berapa banyak entri berkenaan air yang akan aku post di sini?

Triple Tens (10.10.10)

Yesterday is 10th October 2010. There are many people getting married yesterday plus promotions of purchasing things etc.

I went to a walimah yesterday, with Abang, to his friends. So, officially I am acknowledged to be his wife-to-be to his friends. Dan dia 'dicabar' semalam to get the date 11.11.11 which is next year, but we chose another year.

But really, everyone is expecting us. My parents also don't really care about me and him going out as long as nothing happens dan balik rumah. Even if anything happens (me having problem, nak balik, sakit), my father seems to expect him to handle instead of himself.

Harapannya, insyaAllah bertemu dan berkekalanlah jodoh kami.

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Bearing With The Heat

It is damn hot!! Well, good sign actually, saying that I'm in a good recovering progress. I never can withstand the heat in Malaysia. Plus, Malaysia really is going hot and hotter ever since. Global warming if I can say.

I'm now in my parents' room. They have better light (and bed) than ours. Trying to do the assignment, but it is so hot, my head is still not okay. Pening-pening dan sangat berat and can really think something too..... unthinkable. For example, the assignments.

I looked at my friends' graduation photos. And of course Cardiff.

It is so nostalgic. I want to turn back time. To 8 years ago. When I was in SBP, Form 4. Or to the time I finish school. That's exactly when my life changed. I've been too stupid to believe a man. Or to 4 years ago. Again being played by man.

I've lost myself too much.

And in this evening, with me feeling heavy in head, and weak in body, and the music playing in my ears, and darker shades of the sky outside, reminds me of my life in Cardiff so much.

Can I have at least a glimpse of winter in Malaysia? I hate this heat so much.

Friday, 8 October 2010

I'm Pissed Off!!

I can accept if they are not beautiful or nice at all. What I can't accept is, why does he likes to play around and not even serious doing his work? Didn't he know that I AM JUST RECOVER FROM FEVER and now I need to redo almost half of them?

Memang rasa nak mencarut sangat-sangat.

Jalan Macam Orang Mabok

Well, yeah!! Kepala pusing-pusing sikit. But I feel healthier!!!!! AlhamduliLlah...

Anyway, whether you are okay or not, work is still work. And the deadline is not going to change at all. I was thinking something drastic, and I hope my teammates will agree on it. Just a way to finish all the work easily and faster.

Oh, I watched the celebration for the Sultan in front of the Royal Room this morning. My class' just near there. But I went back to hostel around 11, before I actually sleep in the class until evening. That could happen. Because as I reached my room and eat my food, I slept until 6.30 PM. I did woke up several times, but that's because I coughed so hard.

Abah's going to fetch me tomorrow's evening, the earliest. His shift's morning; he might go somewhere far sending patients, to Temerloh, Kuantan or KL. He must be very tired. I intended to ask Abang to send me but he seems tired too, each day working non-stop.

Whether you are working, or still studying, both are hectic and tiring. But you know, when I saw them both work hard for me, makes me love them more and more each day. So, even if I feel very distress about my condition, my study and my coming old age, I need to go on and finish this study. I won't allow myself to fail for the second time.

Talking about old age, this semester is going to its end. Just in a month. Next will be my third semester!! How fast is it? I just feel that it was yesterday I went back from UK and enter this maktab. And next year I'm going to be 24!! Geezzz.....

Okay, time to continue doing the assignment before 'mabok' datang balik.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Datang Dan Pergi..... Sesuka Hati.....

Baru ada tenaga untuk berfikir. I spent this whole day sleeping. I was not feeling well. I even brought my blanket to class because it was cold and my whole body was shivering. I didn't even do a thing for the convocation. I want to help, at least something, but I don't think I'm able to. And adding up to the sickness, we got another assignment to be done, ELP, which is basically English, and need to be submitted next Monday after a test, a final test for the ELP course. And at the same day, we need to present our work, Literasi Bahasa, so that the lecturer can chose the best three to be included in an exhibition on 19th (or maybe 17th, tak ingatlah).

I believe everyone is in a mess right now. Just imagine, you are busy with the convo's preparation, and suddenly you got an assignment which the due date is next week. I just thought, 'How cruel the lecturers can be actually?'

Okay, that's for others. For me, in my group, there are two people who are not well, me and Kimah. Nasrul is too busy. Everybody in the JPP is busy. Sya is also busy, as one of the committee members of the surau. Usually, the most not-busy-person is only me. But with me lying down 24/7 like this, I can't be as effective as I usually am.

Abang burst out just now; aku mengomel tak nak belajar dah, tak nak duduk sini dah. He said, 'Tahu tak berapa ramai orang yang nak belajar tapi tak dapat peluang?'. I replied that I'm in stress, told him all the problems as I mentioned above, but he didn't reply back. Okay, biar lantak.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Suhu Badan Naik Sudahhhhhh

Am I the last person 'infected' by fever in here? It is fever season starting the first week after Raya break. And after 2 weeks, and most of the people are already fine, suddenly I got it.

It started with diarrhea for two days, 'angin' (as usual) with my right arm cannot be moved because it hurts like hell, and then I suddenly felt cold and was shivering, and the temperature rose.

I don't feel okay, especially I am enthusiastic to do the assignment. Okay, the next one will be submitted this coming Monday, and I need to work for the presentation, reflection and poster, plus compiling all and print them out. I don't think I can finish them all this Sunday night when I'm stuck in bed and having this headache and shivering and all.

I want to go home tomorrow. Want to get a massage, and maybe off to hospital if the temperature is too high. But I don't think it will be. Anyway, going home is not really easy in here when you don't have any means of transportation.

Anyway, I guess maybe lack of rest and rushing here and there makes everyone falls sick. It's assignments weeks guys! Everyone is crazy like hell catching the deadlines. Some lecturer may be very nice giving extensions, but some are not. And sleeping 4 am in the morning everyday is not good for your health, isn't it?

SO, that's my second semester in here. RUSHING. That's the best description. And dealing with people who are so much procedural is a pain. I mean, what's the matter of ONE page of the assignment is not in order? Everyone is rushing. Need not to be too emotional about that. It's not done intentionally.

But I love to thanks my lecturers for extending the deadlines. It helps so much; with the work, and with the stress.

Monday, 27 September 2010

The Dialog

I love things related to religion and belief. And I went to the great hall after Maghrib, just to listen to the inter-religion dialog, and the contents are just about brief explanation of concept of God according to Islam, Buddha and Hindu. I just hope they add up Christian's point of view. Well, they might want to but maybe got some problems.

I hate to say this, but most people don't speak clearly when they are on stage. So, there will be difficulties in understanding what is going on on there, and surely buat orang rasa bosan dan tak nak dengar.

And in another aspect, some people tend to touch the authenticity of certain religion. Different believers belief differently. That is one of the sensitivity that I believe should be avoided. The forum is to know each other; what's the basis of the religion, what's the concept, the laws etc. Not to ask for proves whether your religion is true or not.

The world right now, full of people who believe there is God and that's that, and another population that is increasing right now is the ones who don't believe God at all. Plus, we live in a colourful community. And I found so many prejudices among people with different religion and believes, especially. Itu belum campur dengan kefahaman politik lagi.

Tapi so far, forum tu memang sambutannya agak menggalakkan. Tadi ramai lagi yang menanti nak tanya soalan. Means, orang tak tidur dan pay attention masa penceramah sedang bercakap lagi.

Dan harapannya, akan ada lagi siri inter-religion forum ni nanti.