Need To Clear My Mind, For The Last Time

I was not feeling well due to this menstrual thing, and me was sinking down, deep into my own self. I just felt that, people takes for granted at me, and never ever loves me.

Friends are friends, they come and go whenever they wants. And family, never be at my side whenever I need them. Such a lonely person I am. But, the truth, they don't even know how to approach me. Couldn't say much, I didn't grow up in front of their eyes.

I always want to be beautiful, smart and nice, so that everyone will like me. But I am not like that. I'm too skinny, not know how to dress beautifully, and behave well. Always mind my own business. I am weird.

Some guy, that I know, when they talk about relations between men and women, the first thing that comes up is sex. Yes, it is true marriage is the way to allow men and women to have sex legally. But, is it too important, than to love your spouse? I feel pity for women, to be their wives.

I know, Abang, as a man, sure wants to have sex with me. It's normal, and I found out myself to have the same desire too. But I know, that's not the main point of getting married. I love him, and I want to live with him. Care, and embrace him, it is more than having sex. And I will not forever young. One day, I will become old, and weak, and unattractive. And if my husband, loves me because I am beautiful, then I will not forever beautiful. But if he really loves me, even I am spoilt, or sick, he still loves me with all his heart. I hope, there's still true love in this world.

Now, I have doubt in my heart. Not because of his deed, but because I think too much of what of my mate said, he's a guy. Wanting a certain trait is not wrong, but I am thinking about myself, because I am not 'gebu-gebu'. If all men in this world are like that, what will happen to us women?

It's harsh, too harsh.

Mari Main Pijak Pijak

Satu metafora, bagi menganalogikan satu peristiwa dan perasaan, tak ramai yang boleh mengerti. Nak salahkan orang juga, tak kira. Bahasa itu satu cermin diri, dan kata-kata satu medium ekspressi diri. Satu ekspressi, kita meletakkan satu suasana yang seumpama cerita.

Malangnya, setiap manusia punya versi hidup yang berlainan. Umpama biru teluki yang beberapa orang bertekak antara biru dan hijau. Begitulah.

Memijak bunga-bunga yang berada di jalan mati.
Jalan mati yang ada bunga-bunga itu adalah harapan.
Aku yang memijak bunga-bunga yang berada di jalan mati, yang aku umpamakan sebagai harapan.
Maknanya, aku memijak harapan itu, kah?
Tidak, maksudnya, aku memijak keindahan yang ada pada harapan itu. Aku pijak kerana keindahan itu palsu. Begitukah?

Aku tak mahu mengikut harapan yang diberi padaku. Kerana aku tahu itu jalan mati. Dan mereka menabur bunga-bunga janji yang hidupku akan berseri seperti dulu, jika aku mengikut jalan itu.
Aku tak mahu, dan mereka tak faham.

Ini realiti, dude. Harapan kau, dan keindahan yang kau suka, bukan sama dengan aku.

Sudah, jangan bunuh diri aku lagi. Sudah letih aku cipta aku yang baru.

Today Is Bright!!

Sangat terang, tapi masih lagi a bit windy, seems to be a very nice day to go out. I bet Bute Park is full of people right now, playing football, having a walk with cute little doggy, watching kids running over the field, jogging. Bandar pun ramai orang.

Tadi ke pasar, get myself a piece of salmon fillet and tuna steak. Nak buat sushi!! Tapi, nasinya salah buat, maka terlebih manis daripada masam. I left some for my housemates. I don't think they'll eat raw fish.
By the way, the fishmonger is cute!! I guess he's around 15 (well, I look 14 :b). He's blond, wearing a hat, and always smiling. Hehe...lama rasanya tak mengorat orang. Muehehe..
It's rare for me to be attracted (a while) to white (and younger) guy.

I noticed lately, I haven't read books for years. And last Wednesday, I browsed over Amazon, searching for any books, or novels. Then, I finally bought two books, which both are the complete works and stories of William Shakespeare's and Holmes'.I used to have them before, just selection of stories. But, I don't know where they go. Mak dah buang kot...

Reading is fun, as I remember it used to be. I used to have this book, which the language is something I believe, is old. About Tun Perak. Bahasa tunggang terbalik. Tapi dah hilang. Emm...mak dah buang juga kot......

Watching Movies

Yesterday I went out to city center and dropped by at HMV, got myself two sets of DVD boxes, which are collections of Indiana Jones and Pirates Of The Caribbean. Both cost me £30, with total of 6 movies. I'm not really an Indiana Jones' fan, but I used to watch one, which I don't know the title, and I like it. And, for Pirates Of The Caribbean, my friends told me the first one is good. I never watch any.
I also thought of buying Lord Of The Rings collection too, but maybe another time. Well, I'm not fond of watching, but shopping. Hehe..

So, first I watched Indiana Jones & The Raiders Of The Lost Ark. The story is so-so, but the special effect is quite good, considering it was around 1980's. Klasik habis!!
Then Izat came to watch Pirates Of The Caribbean : The Curse Of The Black Pearl. I should say, it was good. I like (not love) Jack Sparrow. Sengal!!
Lastly, I watched Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade. This is the movie that I'm searching for. The story is about the cup that Jesus Christ used for the last supper, and Indiana Jones had to get for it in order to save his father, which was shot by the bad guy.

So, three movies in a row, for today. I never watch anything this long. It really steals my time. But the first plan is to watch Nang Nak. I never ever watch this film. It was released in 1996, if I'm not mistaken. I found one in Amazon, but I'll wait for the price to drop. Hehe..

I'm Home!!

Haaaahhhh!!! Letih!!

Semalam sampai Cardiff lebih kurang jam 9.30 malam. Izat kononnya nak datang jemput (walaupun rumah tak sampai 1 kilometer dari stesen bas), tapi aku dah halfway nak sampai rumah masa bertembung dengan dia (dan Husna dan Yan). Sampai rumah, aku terus tukar baju dan tidur. Masa atas plane, hanya berjaya tidur selama 4 jam sahaja (walau dah lebih 24 jam tak tidur). Dan masa di emegresen, terlalu ramai orang. Jadi lama jugalah beratur. Mujur tak pengsan saja, rasa nak muntah pun ada juga.

Sekarang tengah kemas bilik. Aku berjaya seludup keropok!! Huhu..
Dan juga bawa semua koleksi kaset aku. Sikit saja, jadi tak ambil banyak space. Tapi seronoklah tengok semuanya tersusun atas rak. Benda yang aku kumpul sejak habis sekolah. Dari zaman minat Sheila On 7, sampailah ke rock.

Lepas ni nak buat pot pourri pula. Hehe...seronoknya balik rumah . (lupa dua minggu lagi exam..study!!)