Wednesday 26 January 2011

Old Buddy

He just approved me as friend in Facebook!! Yay!

Well, he was my classmate back in secondary school. He was kind of cute, until now. From what I know him, he was very quiet, rarely talk, but he's very kind and soft spoken. And he's an Indian. Mixed actually. But that really is not the case. His name is Tharsya.

There were two non-Malay in that class. One is Chinese, another is Indian. Both are male. So, usually it was just between both of them, and only girls were friendly with them.

I think everyone will be excited to meet him. Ahhh.. what a good old days!

Grieving

Surely something sad happened, kan? Yeah, I've been grieving for about a week now. I just feel sad, and tried to have at least someone nearby so I wont lost in my thought and then cry again till I swell the eyes.

It is nothing big, but that small little thing effect me so much. Very much. Human heart is very delicate, ain't it? Sometimes I just wish I am hard.

Always, I think, should I just be like before? I want to be free, not bothered by emotional disturbance. Have this changes soften me, for me being too easy to be break, mind, soul and physical?

I am waiting for end of next year to come. I am hoping so much, everything will be fine after that. I need strength. I need to seek for it.

Monday 24 January 2011

Anatomy...........Pening!

Noticed that I've changed my profile photo again? I just think that photo suits me well. Hehe...

So, what about anatomy? I have a subject called Anatomy and Physiology this semester. My lecturer said, the things that we are learning is just the surface of what first year medic students are learning. Okay... so?

It happens that my first elective is Physical Education, so what I am learning now is important; first to get the degree, and second because I might need to teach PE other than Science in school. So, I think it is very essential subject. Plus, you can learn more about something which is out of our field.

But I happen to be not really good in memorizing things. I am usually clueless about this subject, plus last year's biology lesson was like hell and it can't help me at all now. So, when there is work to do, I'm always raging and in stress; I need to work harder than everybody else. It is not good for my health though; I'm always having severe headache now.

So Mak, I'm really not suitable to be a doctor. Hehe..

Old Pal

I was looking at some of my old friends profile. Most of them are doing great. I just have a short chat with my close friend in primary school, named Deborah Jancey. She is now in her final year in medicine, will soon be a doctor. No, I don't regret at all for not following Mak's wish of to be a doctor, because I don't want to. Yes, if it was destined for me in medical field, I just wish I can be a forensic, because that is what I initially want to be. But I think I better playing with numbers rather than human anatomy.

Other than her, another old friend, named Esther, also in her final year in medicine. She was among the best students in school during our time. Yeah, it was usually between Esther, Andri and me. Andri is now in the US. I'm not sure what she is doing now, but I know she is doing fine. It looks as everyone is fine, other than me. And they are still contacting each other. After primary school, I left to a school far away from them. I don't know what my feeling is now. Jealous, maybe. And regret.

But if I didn't go to Clifford, I might not meet all the great people that have been in my life; the Cliffordians, KYUEMians, friends in the UK, Firdaus, Amin, Asri, and the most important, Abang.

Allah's plan really is the best for me. Even though it seems that I'm left out now, but I've learnt a lot throughout this 20+ years. And I am what I am now. And I actually am doing fine too. Maybe I have too much different path compared to them, but it doesn't mean that I'm a loser isn't it?

I just hope we can be so close as we used to be.
I think I'll spend the rest of the night trying to remember my childhood moments. (^_^)

Sunday 23 January 2011

Struggling

Everyone has something that he will work his a** off to get it. Everybody has the thing they are struggling to achieve. To sit down and sit all day long without having something to do, means that that person got something wrong with him.

Work shouldn't be avoided. If you have none, find one.

That's what I believe.

I've been struggling to be accepted. Yet I'm still not. Always I kept asking myself, asking God, why put me in trouble? Why should I do what I don't want to do? Why put me in such a devastating situation?

It was long before I realised, that everything is on my choice. Why regret such decision? Why being too weak at the beginning thus blaming everyone when things are out of control? Why not believing your own power?

Don't be ashame of yourself dear. Show your true colour. You'll be happy with your life. And if you are on a track that you don't really fancy being there, get out of it. If you can't, adapt yourself to walk on it. Nothing is easy and simple. But you have two choices; whether to work it out or just let yourself rot in despair.

Yet I am still asking. Why am I too old to realise this?

Saturday 22 January 2011

Terasa Seperti Sangat Klasik

Oh, tidak ada apa-apa sangat sebenarnya. Cuma, bila hari cuti, dan terasa seperti benar-benar berehat, dengan bersandar pada katil, dengan buku yang sangat baik, musik yang indah juga secawan kopi 'kuat' (bak kata Ijun), feel like heaven. Dan kebetulan buku yang aku baca ini agak klasik juga dimana ianya ditulis dalam hujung 1890-an, setting ialah London pada era itu, where lies all the gentlemen and 'gentle'ladies. Ahhakkkksss!!

Aku terasa aku cuma kekurangan sesuatu. Bak kata Holmes, 'some fumes which are not poisonous would be a welcome change.'

What a relaxing day it is!

Saya Sayang Kamera Saya

Tapi kan, jealous juga bila tengok kamera orang lain yang lagi canggih. Tapi fikir-fikir semula, tak kisahlah guna kamera apa pun hatta kamera telefon bimbit 1.3Mp sekalipun. Seandainya pandai cari angle yang tepat, mahir teknik fotografi, pun boleh hasilkan gambar yang menarik.

Jadi aku bersyukur dengan D40 yang dah 3 tahun bersama-sama dengan aku. Mahirkan dulu dengan kamera tu, belajar betul-betul cara nak guna, manipulasi aperture dan shutter, white balance, ISO dan segalanyalah. Bila dah betul-betul mahir, baru fikir semula patut beli kamera baru atau tidak.

DAN,
mahirkan diri juga dengan photoshop. Semalam, aku main-main photoshop. Aku tak pernah baca manualnya, hanya belajar secara trial and error. Dan semalam aku dapat hasilkan satu gambar yang aku sangat puas hati hanya dengan main contrast saja. Sungguh tak sangka. Dan pastinya sangat gembira.



Benar kata kawan aku, untuk menghasilkan gambar yang cantik, menarik dan kreatif bukan hanya setakat tangkap gambar guna kamera mahal saja. Tapi ianya terletak pada kreativiti untuk mengolah gambar tu.

P/S: Sebenarnya ada report yang perlu dibuat, tapi boleh pula ralit main photoshop dari semalam. Hehe....

Friday 21 January 2011

Haku & Zabuza

Okay, I'm one of the die-hard-fan of Naruto. Manga. I dislike the anime. Macam banyak tokok tambah dan ulangan yang membosankan.

Lastest episod, sambungan dimana Zabuza yang 'dihidupkan' kembali bertarung dengan Kakashi. Sebenarnya sangat menyedihkan menggunakan orang yang sudah mati untuk bertarung. Memang nampak sangat evil.

But then, ini hanya cerita rekaan.

Haku dan Zabuza muncul pada awal episod masa Naruto masih lagi kanak-kanak. Walaupun pada awalnya mereka jahat, tapi pada saat kematian mereka, terserlah kasih sayang antara 'tuan dan hamba'.
Realitinya, manusia itu sejahat manapun, tetap punya perasaan kasih sayang. Pasti ada seseorang yang mereka sayang, sama ada yang masih hidup ataupun yang telah tiada. Dan manusia itu, tetap ada kebaikannya. Sebab itu fitrah asal manusia.

Cuaca Kering

Oh, sangat kering dan menyakitkan. Bayangkan andai anda tidur sekejap untuk relax, kemudian bangun dengan hidung yang sakit kerana lembapan di dalamnya telah tersejat habis, dan begitu juga dengan badan anda. Kerehatan yang anda ingini, lemah pula yang anda dapat.

Cuaca yang panas memang bagus. Baju jadi kering, nak buat aktiviti luar mudah, nak berniaga pun insyaAllah lebih laris. Tapi bila rasa segala cecair badan dah disejat habis, boleh pengsan juga. Kalau kes yang lebih teruk, masuk hospital jugalah. Jadi kena banyak-banyak minum air masak. Nak ganti semula cecair yang telah hilang, kena kekalkan keseimbangan dalam badan. Elakkanlah daripada minum ais, dan juga air bergula. Sekali sekala boleh. Dan jangan ajar anak minum air sejuk dari peti sentiasa sampai tak boleh nak minum air masak biasa.

Nampak trivial kan? Trivial pun sebenarnya sangat penting. Lagi-lagi dalam cuaca macam ni.

Thursday 20 January 2011

I'm Stuck

Rasa seperti sangat tidak proaktif disaat ini. Nak cari kerja, tapi macam sedikit malas. Tapi percayalah, masa ada kerja akan jadi lagi malas, tersangat malas.

Abah datang tadi. Seronok!! Dan Abah bawa van jenazah masuk maktab... siap tulis besar-besar lagi tepi van tu 'KERETA MAYAT'. Malu? Taklah. Orang lain mana boleh nak buat macam tu. Abah je yang selamba. Well, like father like daughter. Hehe... Tapi sangat terharu. Nampak sangat Abah tengah rushing nak kerja tadi. Tak sampai seminit pun berhenti, terus gerak.

Sekarang, kepala agak stress free. And another weekend yang aku tak balik rumah. Susah juga nak balik rumah sekarang ni. Nak balik ke Raub tak ada masalah sangat (kecuali driver bas dari Padang Tengku tu yang terlebih peramah). Nak balik ke maktab semula tu yang susah tu. Raub ke Lipis, tak ada masalah. Lipis ke Tempoyang yang susah tu. Bas entah bila ada. Teksi mahal kot. Aku selalunya balik sorang-sorang aje. Abang asyik kerja. Kalau tak kerja, tido. Nak belajar motor.

Good Teachers

A good teacher, can make us feel very happy to go to school. I have several teachers that I simply love and remember.

1. Cikgu Azlan

He was my teacher when I was in Year 1. I didn't remember what he teaches, but what I still remember, he also taught music. He always have this keyboard, which he will play and let any of us to come to front and sing whenever he thinks we need a break. That was in 1993, in SK Batu Talam, Raub. I don't know where he is now, but just hope someday I will meet him again.

2. Puan Liew

She was my Form 5 addmath's teacher. She was strict. Very much. But somehow, we all found out that the way of her strictness was very funny. And she really was a very good teacher. I really score well in my addmath, thanks to her.

Sentimental Day

Yesterday was a sentimental day. Really. I cried from day to night. Sebab lapar. Dan kecewa.

I called Mak. Not really late, but they already gone to bed. Penat berjual.

I told her that I have no money left for food. I only have a bit to pay for photostated notes, and another small amount for bus fare (which I need to have to go home if I cannot find someone who can go out and withdraw the money for me, and actually Mak didn't deposited yet the money which at first I thought she already did; means I need to go home).

It really reminded me of my life in SHAH. Aku tak pandai berebut. Berebut nak ambil makanan, nak gosok baju, nak mandi. Jadi, selalunya aku akan jadi orang yang awal menunggu dan beratur, dan orang terakhir yang dapat. Kalau aku lambat dapat mandi, aku lambat nak ke kelas jadi aku terpaksa skip sarapan. Kalau aku lambat dapat makanan untuk makan tengah hari, aku lambat untuk ke prep jadi aku terpaksa skip makan. Kalau aku lambat dapat makanan untuk makan malam, aku lambat untuk mandi, kalau aku lambat mandi, aku lambat turun surau, kalau aku lambat turun surau, kena denda. How naive I used to be.

Wednesday 19 January 2011

Stress Kerja

Stress sebab dalam seminggu kena buat dua laporan. Anatomi. Titik.

Mujur laporan eksperimen sudah pulun awal-awal. Kalau tak, lagi stress. Titik.

Sekarang, kerja sudah siap kecuali ISL English dan Sains 2. Jadi, kepala rasa macam ringan sikit dah sekarang. Sikitlah.

Hoho...siang tadi amat stress sampai menangis sampai tertidur sampai bangun tidur. Well, kadang kena lepaskan perasaan juga. Lagipun I ni berjiwa sensitif dan mudah tersentuh. Haha!!

Apa pun, kesibukan buat aku rasa seronok. Dan stress kerja dan stress daripada masalah bukan peribadi macam beri kesan positif pada diri aku.

Mari stress-kan diri dengan membasuh sebakul baju nan bertimbun pula.

Ohhhoooo.... hidup orang bujang yang bakal dirindui nanti.

Tuesday 18 January 2011

Imbas Kembali

Tadi telah diadakan sesi pembentangan oleh wakil Aman Palestin Berhad di dewan maktab. So, everything seems to be reminded once again, and I recalled whatever that I've known before.

Wakil tersebut membentangkan berkenaan sejarah asal Palestin secara ringkas, bagaimana Zionis ditubuhkan, dan Palestin dijajah dan dirampas oleh bangsa Yahudi. Tapi aku rasa kisha berkenaan sejarah Palestin ni terlalu banyak dan kompleks untuk diceritakan dalam masa beberapa jam sahaja. Perkaitan dengan banyak lagi peristiwa, termasuklah berkenaan Mustafa Kamal At-Tartuk tidak diceritakan langsung.

But then, everything urges us to go and read more about the details.

Happiest Day In Class

Fizik ada mengira!! Dan sangat seronok. Dah lama tak jumpa soalan geometri yang memeningkan kepala dan melibatkan vektor. Kalaulah sepanjang masa di sini boleh belajar matematik mesti akan jadi amat seronok.

At last, sesuatu yang mengaktifkan sel-sel dalam kepala aku.

p/s: pertama kali ada tag 'happy' daripada keseluruhan entri yang pernah aku tulis.

Saturday 15 January 2011

Berhujung Minggu Di Maktab

It has been some time since I last spent the weekend in maktab. Usual way is at home, with my parents, which at this moment, which is around 8 am, teasing my sleeping little sister so that she will get up. I'll pinch, or whisper, or scream, or pour lotion or draw pattern on her body with an eye liner until she got angry and cry. Hehe..

Well, morning is great! Especially on weekend. I realised that when I stopped sleeping after subuh, some months ago. Not many people around, the chirping sound of birds, a slow tune from someone's radio, the coolness of the air, the fogs at the nearby hills, everything is perfect. That is the advantages living far from town and not in a busy neighbourhood. If not what you'll hear is the rambling from the old folks gathering around gossiping. Hehe...

Thursday 13 January 2011

Emotional Disturbance

Gangguan emosi itu memang selalu berlaku. Selalunya sedih. Hari ini, dengan lebih tepat malam ini dan saat ini, perasaan itu lebih kepada kecewa. Entah apa yang aku harapkan hingga boleh jadi kecewa. Mungkin kerana selepas mendengar sebuah lagu yang...... mengenangkan dosa-dosa lama, dan seterusnya membayangkan masa depan yang mengecewakan. Ditambah lagi siang tadi semasa kelas, pensyarah bercerita berkenaan seorang bekas anak muridnya, yang kisahnya sedikit sebanyak meresahkan aku.

Hujung minggu ini, aku mengambil keputusan untuk tinggal di asrama. Aku nak bersendirian dan bersedih-sedih semahunya.

Tuesday 11 January 2011

Oh, Master Holmes...

Another three series to finish. Why, I am too lazy to do all the tutorials and ISLs, but I filled up the time unusually by reading a book. My first attempt to read the 1408 pages of the whole collection was around two years ago when I bought the book. And then I stopped until the last end of year holiday. After four novels and two series from the collection, I think I need to reread them another time, because I seem to forget what the cases are. But maybe later. I want to read Shakespeare's next, which I believe that's the hardest since the language used is very old and my English is very limited.

Oh, I've become a book worm.

Siapa-siapa yang masih berada di UK, boleh tolong hadiahkan belikan Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets please...
American version sangat tidak seronok untuk dibaca.

Saturday 8 January 2011

Ibu -> Aku

Aku cemburu dengan beberapa orang kenalan dan sahabat yang sudah pun dan juga bakal menjadi ibu. Mudah dan murah rezeki mereka. Aku pula masih lagi belum ke peringkat yang pertama. Hingga saat ini, setelah enam tahun menanti, masih lagi menanti dan menguatkan kesabaran yang kadang hampir hilang.

Tapi hairan betul, macam mana ada seorang sahabat ini, masih lagi belajar di maktab perguruan, mengandung, dan diketahui ramai termasuklah dari golongan pensyarah, dan tidak diberi penangguhan setahun seperti yang telah diketahui umum? Adakah polisi di maktab perguruan ini ditentukan oleh budi bicara pensyarah dan golongan pentadbiran juga?
Sungguh memang dia dipermudahkan.

Hari ini aku akan ke majlis perkahwinan dua orang sahabat dari kecil yang sekarang sudah pun bergelar suami isteri.
Sebenarnya aku berat nak ke majlis perkahwinan. Aku rasa sangat sedih nanti, dan cerita lama pun bermain kembali. Seharusnya gembira, aku pula jadi tak tentu arah.

Tak adakah butang 'delete' dalam memori supaya aku boleh lupakan apa yang tak ingin aku ingat?

Thursday 6 January 2011

Expecting The Expected Unexpected

I am afraid of the future. Very much.

How will my life would be? Is it going to be very tough and stressful? Or, am I going to have a very linear life?

I hope it will be first. I want to have much challenge as I can take. That is the only reason for me to go out of my comfort zone, for me to be successful.

Sometimes, I do think that my life is ruined. I lost many of my chances, and the time is still ticking. I ruined my youth, my entire dignity. And now, I live as there is nothing happen.
Sometimes, I'm sick of myself.

Tuesday 4 January 2011

First Day At School

Hehehe.. macam budak sekolah pula rasa. Anyway, this year I think might not be that bad. But I am so unfortunate (in the other hand, might be fortunate as well) to live separately with fellow classmates. Why did I say fortunate? I was told the 'unusual activity' at their block is far higher than this block which I am living now. So, that is the sole reason I guess. They can take care of me, but not at all time. Last time I can't sleep for about a week because I felt there was something watching me all the time after the incident.

So, today will be the second day. We are suppose to wear t-shirt today. Guess what, I can't remember when did I take out my t-shirts out of the bag. So I have none now; I'll borrow one from my roommate.
I heard last night that we will have class this Saturday and next Saturday to replace for Chinese New Year's holiday so it will be a week instead of just 2 days.

Bila nak jadi sibuk ni?