Wednesday 28 April 2010

Istighfar Ye Dude!!

' I'm supposed to be in stress and mengamok. '


That's what I type in my text to Abang. Well, me myself feel a bit surprise. Really, keeping myself quite for most of the time helps me to control my anger.

Remembering what Sya said in the lab before we went back to the hostel, 'Try to make the subject of our trouble as positive as possible.'

It is the way to train us, to be tough.

Dan ingatlah, Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang di luar kemampuannya. (cari sendiri ayat mana dalam Quran, sudah lupalah)

So, istighfar banyak-banyak eh!!!

Tuesday 27 April 2010

Refleksi Buat BIG

Sekarang tengah buat refleksi untuk BIG, bahagian ke hospital tu. Well, suddenly I remembered one male lecturer saying 'baru sikit dah sakit? macam mana nak jadi cikgu ni?'

I was hurt when I heard that. He said that in front of me to another lecturer, as if I'm not exist there. Excuse me, did I ask myself to be unhealthy? I've been unhealthy lots of times in my life, inside and outside. I never ask to have fever, or meracau-racau, or easily fainted, or sakit perut almost everyday, or have this mental problem. I am suffering each day. Did I ask for that?

Not to condemn anyone, just want to remind all of us, including me myself; even if we don't have any sympathy towards anyone, please watch out our words. Especially towards young ones, sick people, the poor, and orphans. In our religion, we've been taught about 'adab' towards these people. Even if you are the Prime Minister himself, the adab is still the same. So, don't think you are superior, you can say anything you like.

That's the reason why I never like teachers and parents before.

Friday 23 April 2010

Cerita Zaman Kanak-Kanak

Seronok dengar Ija cerita zaman kanak-kanak dia. Sangat....... gila-gila dan happening dan seronok. Bukan cerita ajaib, atau hebat. Cerita biasa-biasa. Namun biasa-biasa yang buat kita tersenyum gembira.

And as she continue her story, aku teringat cebisan-cebisan kecil cerita aku sendiri. Tak banyak. Aku dah banyak lupa. Dan aku macam tak ingat yang aku dulu gembira atau tak. Gambaran yang jelas dalam fikiran aku, aku duduk tepi pintu, melihat air hujan jatuh dan mengalir di alur-alur tanah di rumah Wan. Aku lima tahun masa tu, mungkin.

Sunyi.

Aku tak rasa zaman kanak-kanak aku begitu suram. It was not something to be proud of, but I was at least might be happy. Tapi yang selalu aku ingat adalah perkara-perkara yang buruk, yang menyedihkan, yang.......... menghampakan.

Life was terrible. Not because we don't have much money. It's just..... entahlah. Dah lama berlalu. Sejak aku tak okay dulu, banyak perkara gembira yang aku dah lupa. Dan banyak perkara gembira yang aku rasa hambar. Susahnya nak gembira semula, susahnya nak bersemangat, susahnya nak rasa seronok yang betul-betul seronok.

Ketawa tak mungkin gembira kan?

Kenapa Perlu Jadi Baik?

Ini pendapat peribadi.

Kenapa perlu jadi baik? Aku tak berminat nak bertudung dan berpakaian seperti yang anda lihat aku sekarang, andai tiada suruhan menutup aurat. Aku tidak berminat nak baca Quran, nak solat, atau buat suruhan-suruhan agama sekiranya aku tidak diperintah oleh Allah untuk buat.

Kontroversi bukan?

Bayangkan mereka yang tidak pernah menerima sinar Islam sepanjang hayat, tidak pernah mendengar langsung perkataan 'Islam' itu; namun mereka tidak busuk hati, berbuat baik sesama makhluk, tidak berkata kesat, berusaha bersungguh-sungguh untuk mencapai kejayaan.

Adakah mereka itu dikategorikan sebagai jahat, ie lawan kepada baik?

Di sini letaknya budaya melabel. Kita melihat luaran sebagai tanda aras kebaikan seseorang. Jika mereka yang jenis pakai seluar pendek, bertindik di merata-rata, tatu sauh di tangan kanan (macam lagu Awang Thrasher pula); patutkah kita melabel mereka sebagai jahat?

Emm, a reminder to myself. Sebabnya, bila kita mula melabel orang, ada sesuatu yang tak betul dalam hati kita. Jika kita rasa Allah beri hidayah lebih awal kepada kita, usahakan agar mereka turut mendapat hidayah bersama-sama. Jangan pandang orang jahil dan kita saja yang betul. Semua manusia fitrah asalnya bersih. Manusia yang ada sekarang ni banyak dah debu-debu terpalit. Fitrah asalnya pun dah tercemar. Kalau tak, takkanlah sampai sanggup bunuh dan buang anak sendiri.

Jadi, tajuk di atas mungkin perlu diperbetulkan. Kenapa perlu jadi Muslim yang taat, kalau tak taat pun boleh jadi manusia yang baik?

Ahhhaaa!! Double controversy.

Ini, contoh paling best yang selalu digunakan ialah : saya tak pakai tudung pun, tapi saya tak ada pun buat benda tak senonoh macam budak-budak bertudung tu.

Macam mana ni? Pelik sungguh, perempuan yang tidak bertudung yang selalu dicop sebagai 'kurang baik' lebih berkelakuan baik daripada yang bertudung yang mewakili golongan 'baik'.

Remember one thing, tiap suruhan dan larangan Allah itu, kalau nak buat, kena buat KERANA ALLAH. Bila buat kerana Allah, kita akan faham, kita akan betul-betul hayati dan buat kerana nak bagi Allah suka sayang dan redha pada kita. Bukan sekadar fesyen, atau pandangan masyarakat, atau mak ayah atau pakwe suruh.

Masalah sekarang, Islam ikutan yang sekadar nama. Jadi mengikut sajalah. Ruh dalam jiwa tak hidup. Yang penting kita enjoy!!

Jadi, tahu dah kenapa perlu jadi Muslim yang taat dan baik?

Wednesday 21 April 2010

Not A Good Day After All

I slept after lunch, my head hurts. Masa baru nak lelap, Abang call. Selepas berborak dalam 3 minit, cuba sambung tidur. Hidung pula berair. Sampai tak boleh bernafas. Batuk lagi. Mula-mula telan panadol, kemudian ubat batuk, kemudian Stepsil 2 biji. Lama lepas tu baru okay dan dapat lelap.

Aku bangun sangat lewat, kepala masih sakit dan kali ni badan sekali yang sakit. Rasa sangat siksa. Last-last bangun juga, pergi mandi. Memang dah tak berair asrama ni rupanya. Patutlah Ija beria-ia ajak cari air tadi.

Aku nak balik. Tak kisahlah rumah mana-mana pun.

Baru dapat berita tadi tentang Kak Sue. Tumpang simpati. Tak tahu ayat apa yang patut aku cakap sebenarnya. Just.... be okay.

Tuesday 20 April 2010

Sangat Mengantuk

I sleep a lot recently. Kesan ubat, mungkin. Bila makan ubat saja, kepala jadi pusing-pusing, sekejap kemudian mata terlelap terus. Jadi, aku hadkan pengambilan ubat. Terutamanya ubat batuk. Kalau makan 3 kali sehari, 3 kali sehari juga aku tidur. Bila nak buat kerja?

Hampir terlupa ada lab report yang perlu dihantar esok. Dah dua minggu berlalu. Rasa lega juga kalau dah siap lab report ni, sebab ini report terakhir untuk semester ni. Dan harap juga masalah berkenaan assignment dan tutorial cepat-cepat habis. Rasa agak tertekan sebab masih tak ada peluang untuk study. Exam lagi sebulan.

Bila dilihat semula, silibus tak habis lagi. Dan masa akhir-akhir begini banyak pula program yang dibuat. Jadi lecturers berebut-rebut nak ganti kelas. Yepp, as I said earlier in a few entries before, tahap stress itu makin memuncak.

Hari ni, aku ada fikir, bagaimana caranya untuk mengatakan TIDAK pada permintaan atau gesaan orang-orang tertentu. It is difficult to say no in here. It is like a culture in here; jangan kata tidak atau tak boleh. Lecturers terutamanya, tak suka. Whatever the tasks given, you must say yes. 'Alasan' yang diberi: kita tak nak dipandang dengan imej yang negatif. Apabila sesuatu tugasan diberikan, kita kena cuba buat walau pada awalnya nampak mustahil.

Well, that's very true. Ianya mendidik kita.

My opinion: depends on the tasks given. If it is out of our priority, or less important, why can't we give way to something that is more important? Or why shouldn't we care less about the side dish rather concentrating on the main events we want to achieve?

But my opinion is not always true. I always grunting about side-work or tiny details that need to be completed. Some people can do them; should I say, perfectly. First I thought, everything is impossible. But as one of my classmates told me, 'we need to do that to survive in here.' I, even today, still feel that 'if it's not so important, don't waste time and energy to do it.'

We always judge the book by it's cover. We always concern about little things but ignoring the big problem. We always care about what people think about us.

Aku teringat perbalahan dengan seseorang, berkenaan perkara yang kecil saja. Ini berkaitan dengan pegangan diri.

Situasinya, jika kita berada di persimpangan jalan yang sunyi pada waktu malam, dan lampu isyarat berwarna merah. Adakah kita akan berhenti dan menunggu lampu bertukar hijau, atau kita mengendahkan lampu merah dan terus memandu?

There are two opinions in here. I AM GOING TO BE BIASED.

Jika mereka yang menunggu di situ walaupun sunyi dan tidak ada kenderaan lain, I will say that they are foolish. Jika kes samun dan bunuh di negara ini sangat jarang berlaku; tak mengapalah. Tapi keadaan di negara kita sangat membimbangkan. Kesempatan-kesempatan seperti ini selalu diambil oleh mereka-mereka yang tak berperikemanusiaan. Sedangkan ramai orang pun boleh jadi kejadian ragut, apatah lagi dalam keadaan sunyi, malam dan tidak berorang?

Rules are rules. True. Tapi dalam keadaan tertentu, boleh saja dilanggar, bukan sewenang-wenangnya. Kalau isteri di sebelah sakit nak beranak, kita bawa kereta pun dah tak ikut halaju, polis trafik yang tahan kita pun tahu nak simpati. It is not about obeying, tapi buat sesuatu dengan berfikir. Bukan sekadar patuh membabi buta. That is happening in religion too. Terlalu jumud dalam berfikir, sedangkan Islam mengajak kita untuk berfikir.

Okay, sudah-sudahlah membebel. Bukan penting sangat pun kan..........

Monday 19 April 2010

Ironi Kehidupan

Setiap orang ada masalah. Aku lihat, dalam masa beberapa minggu kebelakangan ini, masing-masing redup saja muka, terbeban dengan masalah dan tekanan yang menimpa-nimpa. Sangat.... meresahkan.

Aku juga rasa seperti ada hujung-hujung pedang terhunus di sini sana. Seperti menunggu peperangan untuk meletus.

Enough talk, mari cakap straight to the point. Several people yang agak bijak, memilih untuk menerima kenyataan 'orang lain lagi tinggi tahap stress-nya daripada aku jadi aku kena kuat dan stop complaining'. Sangat...... kuat daya ketahanan mentalnya.

But the thing is, it is not a wise way to forget that WE HAVE PROBLEMS. Yes, ianya cara yang baik untuk memujuk hati lara. Tapi salurkan jiwa-jiwa luka dan tekanan itu keluar perlahan-lahan. Bak kata seseorang yang aku kenal, 'even kalau kita tidur pun, otak kita masih lagi berfikir berkenaan hal tu.' Jadi, tidur banyak pun tak guna, tak rasa rehat dan bertambah penat lagi badan. Put aside cuba 'high' atau minum. Kita rasa kita tak fikir sangat tentang masalah tu, but the reality is, it is still working inside our brain.

Solution? Ahh, sangat subjektif berkenaan jalan penyelesaian ni. Work it out should be a good one, the best. We can share the pain with the ones we believe. Dan kita ada Tuhan. Itu sumber kekuatan kita. Kita bukan manusia jahil yang berserah pada takdir semata-mata.

It is easy saying than doing it. So, this is just one of the suggestion, and me myself should adapt it too.

Sometimes, when we are not in a good condition, all the theories learnt mean nothing. They are just theories, not so easy to apply to life. And the theories are too ideal to be applied. Words are sweet, aren't they?

Senangnya Nyawa Tercabut

Kematian berlaku saban hari. Sama ada yang mendapat liputan dan tidak. Aku tak tahu statistik.

Kes-kes bunuh yang berlaku memang mengerikan. Motif utama adalah rompakan dan balas dendam. Sangat kejam. Membunuh kerana duit, kerana dikuasai amarah.

Serabut

Monday sucks. Always.

I'm not okay, because of my phone yang dhaif sangat sekarang ni, bebanan kerja, masalah kesihatan, masalah jiwa raga, tiba-tiba teringat tak bayar broadband lagi, this weekend tak boleh balik dan tak nak dengar mak mengomel 'harap je dekat nak balik pun susah', 'global warming' (panas sangat sekarang rasa macam nak duduk dalam bilik and... wear usual clothes di bawah putaran kipas tahap maksimum), teringat bilik yang bersepah tahap dewa yang aku ingat boleh kemas pagi tadi tapi rupa-rupanya ada assembly dan terpaksa siap-siap dalam masa 3 minit gila punya kelam kabut, perut yang sakit tapi payah sangat benda alah tu nak keluar malas aku nak melepak atas toilet bowl lama-lama, dan yang pastinya KERJA KERJA KERJA KERJA.

Woaahhhhh!! Maybe I should list all the problems and things I find difficult to handle and consider the best solution for all. And I think there will be programmes and usrahs to attend too.

Suddenly I remembered what Kak Yan taught us during one of the daurahs. Self-management. First thing first when we woke up in the morning, list all the activities, work, programmes, and tasks that are needed to be done today, arranging the order of the most important to less ones. So, we have a rough idea of what we need to achieve in that day. Simple.

Sesetengah orang ada guna journal untuk menguruskan aktiviti harian mereka. Sangat terurus dan baguslah.

Emmm..

Sunday 18 April 2010

Cubaan Dalam Bentuk Handphone

Okay, ini satu 'teguran' supaya menjaga betul-betul barang kepunyaan sendiri, terutamanya yang menjadi kesayangan.

I left my phone in the car for several hours, dan kereta tu diletakkan di tengah panas + ada balm cair yang mengalir keluar dari bekasnya dan membanjiri telefon = keypad mengembang dan tak boleh nak tarik slide. Hantar ke kedai; cas : buka telefon RM 48, tukar microphone RM 48; total RM 96.

Rasa macam.... arghhhhh!!! Even mulut diam saja tapi dalam hati, rasa kurang sabar. Nak persoalkan banyak sangat, memang salah sendiri dan itu natijah atas kesalahan sendiri EVEN sebelum ni banyak kali buat macam tu tapi tak pernah rosak pun. So, tak elok persoalkan ketentuan Tuhan kan?

Okay, I went out with Abang, and along the way, the thing that is discussed is about last BIG. Well, so far I feel okay with the programs and enjoyed them, even there's something that can be discussed in deep.

I attended Kursus Tatanegara before, and I can say that BIG is something like a minor pieces of Kursus Tatanegara. Both are not so bad, but there are aspects which we can say 'brainwashing' of young people about certain ideology. But it is not so bad as it sounds. It is just... okay for me.

What I can say, briefly, some people, are a bit hypocrite when facing with 'orang atasan'. It is true. We have to tell lies for them to stop pushing us, or threatening us. It is normal. But sometimes, it does create people who feel forced doing things which are out of our interest. This excluding being irresponsible towards work.

For example, a kid have interest in teaching and wants to be a teacher when he grows up. But, his parents denied his request and pushing him to be a doctor instead. Even if the kid has a brilliant brain and CAN be a doctor, he will not be a doctor by heart and doing something without intention of doing it, is a waste. If he really becomes a teacher as he wishes, he can be a very good educator and he can doubled his achievement than what he can do as a doctor.

So, what I want to say, lying about 'I am ready to teach in rural areas such as in Sabah and Sarawak' (not everyone lies, right?) just because you want to pass the BIG, is not really okay. Because lots of people, especially young ones, don't want to go to that areas. It is normal. We like comfortable places more than anything. But we can teach ourselves to say I CAN DO IT, and do it. It takes time. It is not a simple decision by watching a few clips and bravely tells everyone that 'I am willing to do so'. That is not from heart.

For anyone who already decides, bravo!! And for those who are not, better prepare yourselves. Ahh... I'm talking about mine too. It is wrong to tell lies. The best solution is just keep quite. Talk when necessary.

I want to complain a bit. I am tired of hearing something like 'you should be thankful because you are in here and you got scholarship and you have good place to live and you will got job when you are out of here etc'. It is not wrong, but I'm just tired hearing. It is somewhat like a mild way of WARNING us to 'behave yourselves because you are from nothing and you are nobody if you don't get what you have now, I am the boss so follow my order'.

'Matured' people can think wisely and should not being too restricted in expressing themselves. Ain't I'm right?

So why can't we express ourselves more?

Saturday 17 April 2010

Muhasabah Diri

Merujuk kepada kata-kata yang terkandung dalam Cerpen: Bulan karangan Hilal Asyraf;

Kita ini hakikatnya buruk, dengan Islam kita bersinar unggul.


Aku rasa sangat tertarik. Analoginya mudah, bulan tanpa cahaya sangat buruk. Nampak kawah-kawah dan kelabu. Tapi bila bersinar, tak nampak keburukan tu, malah sangat cantik dan berseri. Begitulah kita manusia. Andai kita tak betul-betul fahami dan hayati Islam, tak menjadikan Islam sebagai asas hidup kita sebagai seorang manusia, buruklah kita. Bukan sahaja di dunia, malah sehingga di akhirat nanti. Tapi jika kita benar-benar menjadi seorang muslim yang mengamalkan Islam 100% in our life, kita akan bersinar dan memberi manfaat bukan sahaja kepada diri kita sendiri tapi keluarga kita, ibu bapa, adik beradik, suami, isteri, anak-anak, rakan-rakan, guru, dan semua manusia. Budi pekerti kita baik, pergaulan kita baik, akhlak, pelajaran, kehidupan dan semua aspek dalam hidup kita.

Nampak macam terlalu ideal bukan. Tapi para nabi, sahabat, tabi', tabi' tabi'in, alim ulama, dan orang-orang yang kita kenal yang wara', boleh laksanakan. Mereka juga manusia.

Jika asalnya para sahabat dulu adalah jahiliyyah; sembah berhala, percaya benda-benda khurafat, minum arak, membunuh anak-anak perempuan, tidak berlaku adil kepada orang-orang miskin dan hamba-hamba, leka dengan dunia, namun apabila memeluk Islam, mereka mampu menjadi orang-orang hebat yang tidak dapat disangkal lagi oleh sesiapa. Dan mereka itu hanya manusia, mereka melakukan kesilapan dan dosa-dosa besar pada awal kehidupan mereka.

Kita juga manusia. Kita mampu untuk menjadi seseorang yang berjiwa kental seperti para sahabat. Kita mampu jadi orang yang hebat. Kita boleh, dan kita kena usaha. Ruh kita kena hidup, dan untuk hidup semestinya dengan Islam.

So, it is never too late to change.

Kata Doktor

Bukan doktor..silap. MA. Medical Assistant I guess.

1. Awak ni stress yang teramat sangat ni. Memang awak kata awak tak kisah sangat, tapi sebenarnya awak ni fikir dalam sangat sebenarnya.

2. Kalau sakit sebelah kepala tu, migrain la tu.

3. Ada loya-loya? Muntah tak? Rasa pahit ke masam-masam? Pahit? Tu kena gastrik tu.

4. Awak punya tekanan darah ni rendah. Sebab tu cepat rasa letih, cepat pengsan. Masalah ni sampai bila-bila pun, tak akan berubah. Nanti mengandung nanti awak banyak masalah, kena selalu buat check-up, takut membahayakan baby.

5. Banyak sangat sakit awak ni, jaga diri elok-elok. Kawal stress awak tu. Makan kena jaga, ikut masa. Kalau awak tak tahan panas, kurangkan aktiviti luar.

Aku balik dari hospital, memang memikir sajalah. Semalam borak-borak dengan Ija, yep.. memang stress tu banyak, and she taught me how to handle it. Everyone got stress, but not many can handle it, make use of it.

When all the people describe me as super quite, rasa macam... am I that bad? I mean, I thought I'm just a little bit quite, malas nak bertengkar dan bising-bising sangat (as I was before), seems I am totally changed.

Has that 'stress' really make me someone yang... sangat pendiam sampai orang tak berani nak tegur?

Okay, should ignore that fact. Boleh saja hidup dalam keadaan sekarang. Plus I am much happier than I was before. So, being a loner or tak peramah or pendiam yang amat sangat can make me happy, so let me be as what I am now. Just let me forget my past.

Oh, berkenaan demam ni, I got infection at my urethra ie urine passageway, which I got during aktiviti air at Terenggun. Ubat dia sangat... yakkkk!!! Sebab dalam bentuk cecair kot. Kalau tablet atau capsul okay juga. Dan kena jaga kebersihan benda alah tu sangat-sangat in order to get better. Also sekarang kena makan at least 3 kali sehari dan jangan makan lambat.

Ohhhoooo, kena tukar lifesyle sangat susahhhh.

Tuesday 13 April 2010

Ketagih Nikotine Siri II

Sebelum ni aku cerita tentang ketagihan aku. Dan malam ni sungguh panjang. Aku dah tak larat, kepala sakit, tekak naik loya, perut memulas dan badan tak boleh nak rehat. Keadaan sekarang, aku rasa macam tak berhenti pun tak apa. Asalkan boleh dapat dos sikit demi sikit.

Aku cuba untuk berhenti. Tips aku dapat, hisap sampai muntah-muntah kalau boleh muntah hijau tu. Aku cuba tadi. Selepas siap assignment. Duduk kat tangga gelap sorang-sorang. Memang sakit. Rasa macam khayal tak boleh nak duduk rasa nak terlentok habis, kepala pusing, tekak kembang semacam.

Nasihat : tak payahlah cuba nak merokok. Lagi-lagi yang perempuan tu. Macam aku. Nak berhenti payah. Tak berhenti pun payah.

Serik? Entahlah. Aku tak rasa aku serik. Tiap kali aku bau asap tu, kepala aku jadi excited. Aku rasa seronok.

Minta maaf bagi sesiapa yang tengok aku, perangai tak serupa dengan apa yang korang nampak. Aku baru selangkah nak berubah.

Aku rasa aku tak sihat dalam kelas pagi nanti. Memang rasa tak sihat sangat ni.

Sunday 11 April 2010

Ketagih Nikotine

No, aku masih tak berhenti merokok. Sukar rasanya. Tapi kuantiti itu dah berkurang banyak.

Sekarang rasa macam agak blur, ditambah dengan keadaan diri yang tak sihat.

Oh ye, one of my earliest photo in Cardiff was chosen to be in Schmap!! guide for Cardiff. This is the link:

http://www.schmap.com/cardiff/sights_heath/p=4947/i=4947_74.jpg

Note: there were Ijun, Husna and Izat in the photo ;)

Well, I got nasi bungkus Imah gave just now. She said dah kenyang, and... alhamduliLlah, rezeki Allah nak beri.

So, Mai, stop smoking!!

Sunday Evening

I made almost no progress for my Science assignment. Not that I'm too lazy, I just feel very exhausted and not feeling well. My throat feels sore since I woke up this morning, and my whole body especially my lower back feels like as been crushed. BIG is in two days time, sekarang nak demam pulak. Haihhhh...

Rasa macam bebanan kerja bertambah sekarang ni. But I need to be considerate at others. So, just do it. 4 AM again I guess.

Saturday 10 April 2010

Gua Penat!!

Habis tangan halus ni kasar-kasar. Hahaha.. tak boleh blah!!

Masih lagi melakukan aktiviti selangan. Target nak siapkan PBS malam ni, tapi aktiviti selingan sangat memenatkan. Petang tadi keluar berpoya-poya, dan... memuaskan kehendak diri yang mengidam sangat nak makan ayam goreng. Then singgah rumah Eda sekejap melihat keadaan mereka sekeluarga (rumah mereka terbakar dulu dan sekarang duduk di rumah kedai milik ibu saudaranya). Well, bakal keluarga juga nanti insyaAllah. Balik hostel dengan perasaan puas + beli softner dan mengada-ngada membasuh pelbagai jenis benda sebagai contohnya selimut, tuala dan cadar kononnya bersemangat. But, really, aku rasa puas.



Girls Suka Benda Yang Girlish

Memang sangat obvious. Haha..

I'm talking about BIG's presents everyone need to prepare. So, I got a text this morning and was thinking all afternoon on what should I buy. So, I asked an opinion from Ija, and she suggested to go to Imej Baru (a shop which sells decorations, jewellery, cute things which girls like, some sorts of that) and there I can choose something like pencil case or mugs, suitable for both gender.

Well, I did go there and looked around, but I buy nothing. First, because I don't feel I want to buy something like that, and I met up several maktab's girls which make me think that if I buy something from there, I might end up receiving the same gifts which I gave. Got what I mean?

Sorry to anyone who get my presents. I'm not good in choosing.

Mood Dah Datang Dah!!

After some good hours of crying and thinking lots of misunderstandings towards some other people including myself, I feel relieved after thinking and reading this tazkirah. Well, not totally okay. At least I am not down and try to hurt myself.

It is late already.

As I think back, I really need to strengthen myself. I chatted with Wina this night, when I am still not okay. One thing she told me that I remember, is find a friend. Even I don't really into be friends with others, do find at least one. Slowly accept others into my world. Even how much I prefer being alone, no one will survive without having friends.

And as I think back, reflect about what I did this several months back, I am forgetting Him. I am separating Him from my life. Not intentionally. It is very difficult to istiqamah. Really, even I try to change bit by bit, it is still difficult.

Dan janganlah kamu seperti orang-orang yang lupa kepada Allah, sehingga Allah menjadikan mereka lupa akan diri sendiri. Mereka itulah orang-orang fasik.

Tidak sama para penghuni neraka dengan para penghuni syurga; para penghuni syurga itulah ORANG-ORANG YANG MEMPEROLEH KEMENANGAN.

Al-Hasyr (19 -20)


So to be ahl jannah, we need to be a winner. If my test is this, I need to win over this. Do not give up dude. Even if you failed lots of times, try again and again. Just, never give up.

Katakanlah, 'Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri! Janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sungguh, Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang.

Az-Zumar (53)


Should be grateful because Allah is always there for us.

Friday 9 April 2010

Bila Jiwa Tidak Keruan

Pertama, tak senang duduk, baring atau sebagainya. Mesti nak lakukan aktiviti yang dikira mengarut. Sebagai contoh: main api.

Kedua, makan. Makaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn aje. Tak tahu siapa yang makan sebenarnya. Aku ke 'dia'. Dari tadi mengidam nak makan ayam goreng. Tak tahu siapa yang mengidam sebenarnya. Aku ke 'dia'.

Ketiga, mencederakan atau menyakitkan badan sendiri. Contoh: minum kopi. Tunggulah dalam sejam dua. Efek dia power punya!!

Keempat, menangis tanpa sebab. Ini disebabkan sama ada kerana fikiran dah mengarut-ngarut, ataupun 'dia' yang sakit.

Kelima dan tak buat lagi dan cuba sibukkan diri daripada nak buat: lompat tingkap. Jangan tanya kenapa, aku dah tak boleh nak duduk diam dah ni.

Need someone to talk to.

Thursday 8 April 2010

Of Assignments and Workloads

Hehe.. I still got time to write an entry in this blog. The last one was on Monday, and it has been 4 days.

Specifically I am talking about my classmates; all in a rising up stress as the deadline is nearer each second, and each second is priceless. So as mine. Nahh, I played a lot.

So, I haven't start the Science assignment; nearly forgot actually. But a bit difficult because we need to do in group and it is kind of 'menyusahkan' to meet up and do the work because we need to assign a specific time where all of the members are free, and I am the only one who have no 'jawatan'. So, another three always busy and have meetings, another work to do, going somewhere etc.

I already did a quarter of both FPM and PBS assignments. So, that's that. And we all got time until Monday next week. (^_^)

Next will be Bina Insan Guru (BIG) for 4 days.

Next to the next will be EXAM!!!

Semester 1 is going to the end.

Monday 5 April 2010

Jiwa Yang Mudah DiMelukakan

What a weird title. Anyway, I am not in a good condition. I was totally okay and full of spirit minutes ago. It just come when it wants. Not that 'thing'. Just my old 'illness'. It is still in here, deep in heart, seems not easily fade away by the happiness that I have.

It is the feeling of hatred. The feeling of people hate and detest me. It always there. And when it comes, I always try to do stupid things. Some of them are a trial of burning a bed together with myself, also cut my hand or any part of my body. I always have this feeling that with my death, everything will be okay. PEOPLE WILL CHEER UP CELEBRATING MY DEATH. It really sounds stupid. And I know I am totally selfish by doing these sorts of thing.

No one is perfect dear. So as I. It was in here for years. I don't know how to chase it away. So far, not many understand. Not everyone have the same feeling as mine. Not everyone is helping, most of them blaming.

'Iman tak cukup kuat lagilah tu.' 'Mengada-ngada!!' 'Orang gila takkan cakap dia gila.'

It is easy for some people to say.

Did I ever write about this before?

Life's Brief Candle

I was reading this poem, that I learnt when I was in school. Note : I am the first batch where Kementerian put literature as an addition of English and Bahasa Melayu. That was 10 years ago. Back to the topic. I was remembering this poem, and surprisingly can recall more than half of the content.

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow
Creeps in this petty face from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death
Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot
Full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.


I still haven't read Macbeth yet.

Sunday 4 April 2010

Pagi Ahad

I went back earlier than I thought. I got in 2 pm bus yesterday evening, and here I am, at home. Angah ada. And semalam buat kenduri doa selamat, for Angah, because next week will be his first operation. And he'll fly to Kudat tomorrow. Jaga pantai. I told him, jaga sempadan ke? Because pendatang Filipina selalu masuk ikut sempadan Sabah. He said no. Entahlah.

But, when I think having a brother as a soldier, I feel... I don't want to lose him early. Not that kalau jadi askar mesti mati awal (because Abah was a soldier himself and alhamduliLlah he is still alive until today). It is because of the possibility that he got more than any of us.

I hope he'll be okay. Not just him. Anyone. A life is so precious. Facing death and having people dying is so scary. It is reality, and everyone will experience both of them.

Saturday 3 April 2010

Saturday Morning

I woke up early today, with confusion in mind. If yesterday I was confused to go home or not to go home, today I was confused to go out or not. I want to go to pekan sari, send kain baju kurung to any kedai jahit untuk jahit tepi (or kelim tepi as Eda said yesterday via SMS), also to buy some zips, getah pinggang, cangkuk kain and benang. So, decision making session was done on bed (not a suitable place to do so because you'll tend not to make a wise decision and mengikut nafsu malas atau mengantuk). And there goes my last word, tak pergi because esok I might be going out to Raub jadi boleh beli di pekan sari Raub sahaja plus akan singgah di rumah so I'll send the kain to Mak Cik Nora who lives near my house so Mak boleh ambil saja kain tu bila dah siap and I don't have to worry much.

Quite a 'wise' backups bila kepala dikuasai sifat malas. Malas nak mandi (optional aje), tukar baju, berjalan ke bawah (which takes about 7-10 minutes from asrama), tunggu bas lagi.

But still, I got up, tak sambung tidur. Macam magik boleh bangun awal macam ni. Hari Sabtu kalau bangun sebelum jam 12 memang pelik, bagi aku. Biology clock memang selalunya menyedarkan aku bila dah mula jam 12. Kalau sebelum jam 12 selalunya tak sedar apa-apa langsung. Biasa la, jenis dinasor yang tido mati. Hehe..

Continuing yesterday's babbling about college life. Each person in college will have a pet family, who each of the members are from the same house. They'll be your family in there, where should you pretend them to be your real brothers and sisters. No mama or papa eh. When I was still a junior, I have two pet sisters only. They are ADA and NOR. A year older than me, I should be considered 'kurang ajar' because not calling them 'kak'. Well, depends on the person themselves. I am okay if not being called 'kak' or whatsoever the name is. But most of the girls care. For me, we can respect anybody that we think deserves to be respected. And I rarely respect people even they are much much older than me.

Anyway, ADA is what we will say 'alim' when we look at her at the first sight. Dengan tudung labuh jenis bulat, selalu berbaju kurung (pink??), bercermin mata, muka kecil dan bulat, pendiam; she is very nice. I don't know where she is now. She was sponsored by KPM too, I guess is doing KPLI. She was doing Maths at Birmingham, and she urged me several times to go to her house when we were there. Ahh, I'm not a travelling kind. NOR, on the other hand was doing Business (maybe accounting, or economics, gabungan antara 3 tu la) in Warwick. I'm not sure whether she already graduated or not. I rarely contact her.

So, when I was in my senior year, it was time for me to be the elders. I was joined by Fendi, another 'terbuang' pet family sebab tak pernah ada pet sibling. So, we picked two juniors, a boy and a girl. I got this guy name Khairul Nizam bin Othman (70% the same name with Abang), and Fendi got this girl which I forgot the name but he changed the girl with somebody else's pet sis, and we got Nadia. Nadia actually at the same age as mine because she went to matriculation first before doing A-level.

I was not really close to Nadia even our chalet cuma menyebelah saja. I am close with Nizam. Gave him sweets each time we met anywhere, berhenti borak-borak sekejap. He is a warm and nice guy (and now becomes much macho than what he was years ago). And I got a photo of four of us during Bangsawan. Tapi tak nak letak sinilah. I was wearing short sleeves pada zaman tu, rasanya tak patut letak sini. But during Bangsawan, I was doing props so I was wearing serba hitam, Nizam dengan songkok ada bulu-bulu macam penari zapin (he was a dancer masa Bangsawan tu), Nadia with 'dayang' outfit, Fendi pula dengan pakaian orang-orang besar istana (laksamana I guess). We got smiles on our face, and it was very fun during our life in college.

Funny, how I can easily forget things. I got all the best others would dream for. But I always feel that anything that I get or have is nothing, not something to be chased for. Rezeki Allah beri pada semua orang. I don't think we should be proud or what else dengan hadiah yang Allah beri pada kita. But at the time, my 'ignorance' comes together with not appreciating the gifts that Allah gave. I was totally ignoring life. I was chasing something else others won't even dream of getting it. I should have known, I can get both. Tapi zaman tu muda sangat, darah muda masih terlalu panas.

How I wish I can turn back time. But if I was not as what I was years ago, I will never be like what I am today.

Friday 2 April 2010

Air

Katakanlah (Muhammad), "Terangkanlah kepadaku jika sumber air kamu menjadi kering; maka siapa yang akan memberimu air yang mengalir?"

Al-Mulk : Ayat 30


Betapa pentingnya air dalam kehidupan kita. Bila kita selalu kekurangan air, barulah kita belajar cara untuk mensyukuri nikmat Allah. Kalau tak, pembaziran berleluasa. Mentanglah air banyak, tak perlu menadah air kalau nak mandi, basuh baju, buang air. Dan tak mengalami musim kemarau hingga setitik air pun tak ada untuk digunakan dalam keperluan harian.

Bermuram durja sebab ANGGERIK TAK ADA AIR SEMULA. Baru bergumbira dua tiga hari. Memang tercabar sungguh kesabaran rasanya. Kemudian menyesal sebab awal minggu dulu berniat nak balik rumah sebab air tak ada. Kemudian air ada pada pertengahan minggu, niat nak balik tu lupakan. Alik-alik pada hari yang sepatutnya balik, air tak ada pula. Balasan betul-betul kena batang hidung sendiri.

Izyan Kamarulzaman



Nama dia Izyan Kamarulzaman. Anak sulung daripada 3 beradik. Orang Kelantan yang menetap di Bangi. Ahhh... dah pindah. Area Bangi lagi ke?

Kami kenal masa di kolej. Bilik sebelah. Dan selalu jadi teman makan. Kami tak ada 'geng' macam Husna dan Nad. Kami berempat tinggal di chalet yang sama. Aaa.. Yan ada juga geng. Naem. Aku saja yang sendiri. Aku biasa sendiri.

Kami berempat semua kepala lain-lain. Seorang jenis outspoken dan lebih pandai bersosial, seorang asyik dengan Micheal Scofield (demam Prison Break masa tu) + bola, seorang kepala rock dan metal dan asyik memekak walaupun jam dah cecah 3 pagi, seorang lagi... well, pendiam dan selalu bau minyak angin :D

Well, that was about 5 years ago. Baru habis sekolah dan masih muda.

As I remember, I am always okay with her. I wonder, how could I try to run away from my friends, forgetting all the good memories with them, semata-mata melayan kerenah jiwa yang keliru dan bercelaru.

That photo above, is our photo, taken on our first Hari Raya in Cardiff. It was autumn, the weather was still not too cold, and the trees were still got leaves. Belum gonjeng lagi. Oh, kisahku menjadi berita yang disampaikan kepada juniors; tak bawa baju kurung langsung untuk Hari Raya. Yes, my baju raya that year is that leather jacket. I bought at Next for GBP30. Quite a nice jacket, and I still favour it, other than my jeans jacket. But not a good choice to be worn in Malaysia. Panas ok!!

Oh ye, photo credited to Sandra. (^_^)

Yesterday

Ahh.. yesterday was such a good day. What else is the best in world when you feel down and somebody called you to let you pour out all your feelings?

Today seems to be a good day too. Except for the first lecture, I guess. The lecturer, the ORIGINAL content is not too bad. Instead, I love to know about history or philosophy. The thing is the additional content that was given. That part consists of 90% of the lecture, and the duration is about 2 hours. Good thing I always bring laptop to class. Pretending to type the notes given, I actually browsed in the internet to get more 'accurate' source of the topic, other than reading blogs, and manga.

Seems there will be lots of reading for the upcoming exam next month.

Dari Kerana Mata..

'Rahsia menunggukan renungan mata yang tiada dikaburi hasrat syahwat. Mereka yang terbelenggu oleh hasrat syahwat cuma menampakkan selaput luaran.'

Thursday 1 April 2010

A Nice Start

I woke up late today. Terngiang-ngiang suara Ija pagi tadi masa tersedar tidur 'Dah pukul 7!!!??'

Got up and pray, then iron the baju kurung for class. As I was ironing, I got a text from Abang, praying that I will get a cheerful and blessed day today. I said thanks anyway, remembering that I am already late and unfortunately I forgot to do a homework that should be passed up today, and will do a presentation that I haven't read much. Not a blessed day, should I say.

So, as soon as I finished dressing up, I head to class without waiting for anyone else, took out an A4 paper and started working on the homework. While I was doing the work, my classmates arrived, and one of them (Penolong Ketua Unit who happens to know lecturers' business; whether they are coming or not ie Janna) told me that all the lecturers that supposed to teach today will not come because they need to observe the practicum students somewhere else. I was stunned, and feel really thankful to Allah. Seems that today really IS a cheerful and blessed day.

So, all along the morning, I was doing the homework and continue my assignments. And thanks dear for your prayer (^_^)