Not A Big Deal Actually

Women, can be like a child when they faced their love ones. That includes husband, children, parents, siblings etc. So, I'm now acting like a child, a hurt one. Oh, sebabnya simple saja. Orang berjanji tapi tak ditepati, about several times. Each time, this little girl memang menangis sajalah. And usually takes time around 3 - 7 days to be okay and happy as usual (macamlah pernah happy sokmo).

So, I want to talk about training ourselves to be hard. Well, most people experienced failures, broken heart, emotional incidents since we were young. Some people are okay, some are not. So, I'm going to focus to some that are not okay when facing such things.

Girls usually (I'm talking about my own gender, if you want to know about the guy, ask a guy!) are easily touched. By anything, even the simplest thing on earth. Some proceed to be tough as time passed. And some are not. I'm going to focus on the ones who are not.

Simply said, this little portion of person you might think as 'menyusahkan' or 'itu pun nak terasa?' or whatever you want to call, exists. And they might be your own sister, mother, daughter, wife. Can you just ignore?

Me, as one of the kind, easily offended. By whatever even the simplest thing on earth. So, what happen if that happen? Isolating myself, think whatever interaction I had with that person or any similar situation that I've experienced or seen before, cry my heart out, and then make a conclusion.

Since I was a little girl, I had this in mind. Nobody loves me, I'm better off dead or never exist, I'm not needed. So, I brought that throughout my life until I realised, nobody is created to be nothing. So, I want to be a positive and useful person, try to wipe out all the bad and sad memories, pretend that whatever happen means nothing even I felt that I badly want to die at that moment.

But surely, even I tried hard to be hard, to be tough, to be okay, deep inside, I am not. I am never okay. I passed times where I don't meet and talk to anyone, where I don't smile and feel happy or alive, where I don't think I have any reason to be alive, where I think my whole life is a mistake, where I've been hunted by all the bad deeds I did; that times were the worst in my life. You'll lost your hope.

And sometimes when I am not okay, I always remind myself 'ko pempuan pelacur, manalah orang nak kisah apa ko terasa ke, sakit ke, apa ke. buat apa minta simpati orang. sedar diri ko siapa.'
And then, I realised who I was.

Who will care? Nobody will come and pat me at my shoulder and say everything is okay and I will always be with you when you need me.

I have to do it by my own.