Aku jaga sebelum pukul 3pagi tadi. Naurah merengek nak susu. Abang bangun dan buat susu, aku tolong bagi. Tapi sekejap saja sebab dia tidur semula. Susu pun sikit saja dia minum.
Memang aku sangat susah nak tidur semula bila terjaga tengah malam macam ni. Macam-macam aku fikir. Aku tak ingat apa aku fikir tadi, yang buat aku tanya Abang soalan ni,'Kenapa awak sayang saya ye?'
Aku tak tunggu jawapan. Aku nak tidur terus. Soalan tu agaknya dah berjuta kali aku tanya dia. Sejak kami kenal 12 tahun lepas. Tak lama lepas tu dia datang pada aku, nak baring sebelah mungkin. Kami tidur jauh, aku tidur menegak dan dia melintang di kaki tilam; nak elak Naurah bergolek ke lantai. Tapi dia baring dan ambil semua space. Kemudian terus berdengkur.
Yang aku fikir masa tu, dia nak halau aku. Dah bosan tidur di kaki tilam agaknya. Aku bangun, ambil tempat dia tadi. Dalam kepala aku, dah fikir bukan-bukan.
Atas sebab yang mudah, aku terasa. Dan menangis. Dan fikir bukan-bukan. Segala benda yang aku tak nak ingat terus bermain dalam kepala. Aku rasa aku membebankan dia, aku rasa nak dia tinggalkan aku, aku rasa nak pantang sendiri saja di rumah ni, aku rasa nak mati masa bersalin nanti, aku rasa nak lompat depan kereta masa dia nak park depan rumah siang nanti.
Bila aku fikir tentang mati dan berhenti menangis, aku teringat semula apa yang dah terjadi sepanjang 5bulan aku mengandung kali ni. Rasa macam banyak kali aku fikir bukan-bukan dan buat benda yang membahayakan nyawa aku dan anak dalam perut ni. Dengan dua anak sebelum ni pun ada juga fikiran gila ni, tapi tak sekerap ini. Stress sangat ke? Penat sangat ke? Kenapa ye asyik fikir macam ni saja?
Aku dah bosan hidup macam ni. Aku nak jadi normal. Stress bila sepatutnya stress. Terasa bila sepatutnya terasa. Tak perlu nak fikir sampai nak mati bagai. Tak perlu nak cuba bunuh diri bagai. Sebab aku tahu masalah aku ni bukan masalah pun. Tak perlu nak berlebih-lebih melampau sampai macam ni.
Ada masa aku boleh kawal. Ada masa aku tak boleh. Masa aku tak boleh tu memang sangat memilukan.
Thursday, 7 December 2017
Aku jaga sebelum pukul 3pagi tadi. Naurah merengek nak susu. Abang bangun dan buat susu, aku tolong bagi. Tapi sekejap saja sebab dia tidur semula. Susu pun sikit saja dia minum.
Wednesday, 29 November 2017
Baru-baru ni aku cuba lagi nak bunuh diri. Sekarang pun masih lagi belum reda sepenuhnya. Atas sebab yang mudah saja. Aku serba salah bila mak mertua aku macam kecewa sebab balik kampung sekejap sangat. Dari mula perjalanan balik ke rumah, aku dah mula fikir bukan-bukan. Bila sampai rumah, aku dah tak dapat kawal diri. Mujur anak aku datang dan ajak borak. Aku tanya dia ,'Kakak sayang Mak tak?' dan soalan tu buat suami aku datang dekat aku, minta aku cerita apa yang aku fikirkan.
Aku menangis, meronta nak lepaskan diri. Dalam fikiran aku, nak ambil parang pendek atas rak tepi pintu dapur saja, tikam pada jantung dan paru-paru; nak mati. Puas bertungkus lumus. Mujur juga aku mengandung, cepat penat. Suami aku ajak masuk bilik, cuba tenangkan aku, minta aku bercerita tapi aku tak nak.
Malam tu, aku tak dapat tidur. Aku masih lagi fikir nak mati. Perlahan-lahan aku bangun, buka almari dan ambil kain batik; aku nak gantung diri pada kipas dalam bilik sebelah. Suami aku tersedar, bawa aku baring semula dan peluk kuat-kuat. Dia kunci kaki aku sampai aku tak boleh nak bergerak. Lama betul sampai aku tenang baru dia lepaskan. Dan akhirnya aku tidur.
Esok pagi baik-baik saja. Kami pergi pekan sari, aku dapat makan sate (mengidam), apam balik special, nyanyi-nyanyi dalam kereta dengan anak. Menjelang tengah hari, aku mula down semula. Aku mula cakap mengarut. Ada satu masa aku tengah meronta dan suami tak lepaskan, aku cekik leher sendiri sekuat-kuatnya. Dan masa tu bermulalah sesi curahan hati. Ada satu masa tu, suami aku kata,' Mai yang saya kenal seorang yang fikir rasional, semua benda dia nak tahu sebab, mesti ada sebab. Awak bukan dia.' Ada benarnya. Tapi masa tu aku dah tak nampak logik dah.
Dan masa aku bercerita tu, aku nampak tali pinggang merah bergantung. Aku nak sangat ambil, masuk dalam almari dan jerut leher sendiri. Aku tak tahu kenapa aku nak mati sangat. Aku hanya tak nak wujud dah. Tak nak susahkan orang dah.
Kenapa aku jadi macam ni, aku pun tak berapa jelas. Seorang doktor pakar pernah kata pada aku, stress tu biasa. Ada masa kita nak marah sangat, dan kita marah. Tapi bagi orang yang ada penyakit macam aku, tindakannya tak macam orang biasa. Baguslah sebab aku jumpa doktor, nak dirawat. Ramai orang sebenarnya ada kemurungan tapi dia tak sedar dia sakit, dan ada yang tak mahu dirawat.
Dan aku masih makan ubat. Pernah 4 hari saja tinggal makan dalam 3 minggu lepas sebab aku tak sihat sangat-sangat. Ada orang tak bagi aku makan ubat; tak rasa aku serius lagi dan masih ok. But I believe I need all the help I can get; from Allah, family support and medicine. Kalau aku tak boleh baik pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku boleh jalani hidup dengan normal.
Saturday, 18 November 2017
So, decided to get help. I was diagnosed with depression, and the doctor immediately prescribed me with very low dose since I am pregnant. So far, I think life has been a bit different. I was sick and bedridden for a couple of weeks. Usually, things like me unable to do things is one of the major reasons for my breakdown. But I managed to control it, so it is a big success. I have doubts about consuming the drug initially, as my aunt (who works in MOE) advised me not to; she's afraid of the side effect IF I accidentally forgot my daily dose. But I asked a pharmacist friend of mine, and she said it is better to follow the doctor's advice. Plus, the side effects that my aunt said were more to drugs relating to schizophrenia, psychosis and all. Cheers, mate!
So, I am still a bit secretive about my illness. But I am embracing it. I have a few selective friends that support me. In the meantime, that small supportive is more than enough for me.
Wish me luck.
Saturday, 21 October 2017
So, my eldest follows my parents to my sister's and brother's house in Kuantan and Pekan. It has been two days, and they'll be home for another 3 days. How I miss her so much that I cry like kids. I feel quite lonely. It's like, part of you is missing. She's the kind that plastered to you till you feel annoyed, but when she's not around, you'll keep seeing her gleaming eyes and naughty smile here and there.
Kakak, Mak really misses you. Can't wait till next Tuesday.
Friday, 20 October 2017
Each time I'm pregnant, I turned into something that look lifeless, useless. Hate my current condition. And I feel like I'm cutting ties with my two kids, because I can't fulfil their needs, play with them, take care of them. I don't feel like a mother now. As this week I spent the holiday at my parents' house (I planned to just spend a night initially), the kids seem to be more attached to their grandparents than us. So, that kind of strikes me a bit. And my eldest is going to Pekan to my brother's house for about 5days with my parents. I miss her already, but I think she deserves to have fun, since she cannot have since I was pregnant to my second child. As I almost cope with life after having second child, I'm pregnant again.
Sometimes I do want to meet a psychologist. I know there is something wrong with me. I do have psychology problem since I was a kid, and during my early 20's I tried to kill myself a few times (those were the darkest moments in my life). After I got married, another kind of emotional breakdown happened until now. It worsen since I'm pregnant with my third.
Wednesday, 18 October 2017
Laki dan anak sulung aku balik kampung. Tak jauh sangat pun. Tapi aku tak ikut. Apparently, everybody will be there, ada urusan adik beradik. So, suasana akan sangat riuh dan meriah. Dan aku terpaksa bertudung all the time; segan juga kalau duduk dalam bilik saja. But if I joined them, I'll end up duduk dalam bilik sokmo juga. Tak larat.
At times, I blame myself for getting pregnant. Who on earth want to get sick, tired all the time? Nobody. But not everyone will understand. 'Aku mengandung juga tapi tak macam ko,' or 'Aku tengok dia tu mengandung boleh je buat itu ini, taklah melepek selalu macam ko ni,' or 'Tak boleh layan sangat loya, penat tu.' Obviously they are not among the 'lucky' ones.
I used to be warded because of vomitting too much, and few times sebab kencing kotor, as a result of lack of water in my body. Ini kes tak boleh masuk air dan makanan dalam mulut sebab muntah dan loya selalu. I also used to be warded because of early contraction masa 28 weeks. Mujur takde apa-apa. Those are from my first pregnancy. During my second pregnancy, I used to be warded because of lack of fetal movement (ini sebab paksa diri buat kerja lama-lama), and nearly warded because of kencing kotor lagi. Dan pernah juga berkejar ke hospital because of early contraction. For this third pregnancy, I don't expect anything better. As long as both of us is healthy, I'm more than thankful.
Why am I writing all this? I am currently in stress. I'm not prepared or expect to be pregnant again this early. And I am afraid to face people's expectation. Nak balik rumah mak sendiri pun fikir banyak kali; ada adik ipar lelaki tak, larat tak nak duduk dalam kereta. Balik rumah mertua lagilah. Dah pasti ada biras lelaki, anak2 saudara suami yang lelaki.
Kadang-kadang rasa aku ni selfish. But again, aku yang tanggung sakit dan siksa. Kalau aku sampai warded, semua susah. Laki aku kena ulang alik hospital, anak2 kecil lagi, mak abah aku kena jaga anak2 aku; jadi baik aku jadi selfish.
Oh, ye. Bukan tak pernah tak layan rasa tak larat tu, almost everyday segala tenaga diberi masa bekerja, jadi balik rumah dah tak larat sangat dan hanya mampu baring sampai nak ke bilik air pun kena papah.
Well, orang lain pun mengandung juga.
I'm at the end of my first trimester of my third pregnancy. Aku baru beranak bulan satu tahun ni, and suddenly ada lagi? Well, tak la suddenly sangat.
So, I am totally exhausted from all day sickness (never be 'morning-only' sickness for me, ever) everyday. My husband has take over all the house chores and babysitting. He has to. I can do almost nothing. I even have to pray by sitting or during 'peak' time, laying down.
And because of that, my emotion level has been dropping, a lot. I tend to be too sad, blaming myself too much - I'm totally stressed out because of my condition.
And I have to face this everyday, till the baby pops out. Another good 6 more months.
Saturday, 19 August 2017
I've been thinking a lot recently, too much to be honest, up to the point I went wonky for quite a few time. I believe that is the result of being too stressed and overworked each day that I think I am not a good worker and a good mom. Both my daughters are a bit clingy especially my eldest, making each morning a hectic one no matter how early I wake up.
I can make a long list about how cranky my eldest is. But what can I do to stop it? Nothing. What should I do to make her understand? Nothing. No matter how good she speaks, if she didn't want to sleep, she wont. If she wanted to make tea at the moment I just made one, she will. No logical or unlogical reasons can defeat her. My husband always use the 'scare tactic' as our last resort. My eldest is afraid of bugs, so he used to hang a dead bug at the door so she will lay down on bed and sleep. It was late already and we both need to sleep. The girl wont lay still and kept talking and bouncing here and there.
I don't want to punish her physically so much. To be frank, I did pinch her at her thigh when she said something bad at me like 'you're so noisy' when I asked her for umpteenth times to put her toys back in the toybox, or when she purposely hit her cousin with a badminton racket. At times, I do believe that physical punishment is necessary, especially when the kid understand languages and disobey you to the point she hurts somebody else or talking back to you rudely.
Wednesday, 28 June 2017
So, I've been blogging for more than 10 years, on and off. During early years of my blog, most people don't have easy access to internet thus not many people read my blog. Moreover if you write in Malay. After few years, internet was a big hit and many people started to blog and read blogs. But now, people rely more on social media and blog is something ancient. A few early social media platforms also have vanished; my space, friendster and multiply to name a few. I also remembered imeem (if I'm not mistaken), a web that I used to stream songs, mostly rock and metal songs.
Internet used to be dialed. You disconnect your home telephone line and connect it to your bulky computer, dial and wait. The speed was quite okay, since it wasn't the day where you have to hurry on everything. I remembered the first thing I do online; searching for information on Neil Bohr, using MSN. My English was really bad during that period (it is still bad now though). I was just learnt about him during my chemistry lesson, so I thought, why not find out more about him. I was foolish and too ambitious; I don't understand a thing and quite disappointed actually.
But now, everything is just at the tip of your fingers. And everything should be fast, lightning fast. Many people rely on likes, retweets, shares, followers and all. More people is shopping online (oh how I miss ASDA). Our working hours have been extended unofficially because of data needs to be uploaded in systems that are not jammed only at 3 in the morning, or tasks given just before bedtime via whatsapp and need to be handed out first thing in the morning. And surprisingly, I managed to write entry while nursing my baby to bed. The power of technology, eh?
Back to the title of the entry, is blog still relevant? In my opinion, no. I've seen many people who can read but still remain unliterate, because they can't understand the message given in what they have read. Many people tend to judge, causing learning through reading difficult to achieve. Even writings by those who are qualified such as doctors and scholars are criticised by readers, but sellers selling bogus products are believed more.
I just want to conclude, owning such a good phone and speedy internet does not meant you own the world. The other side that is reading things that you write has feelings too. Back in the days, people think before they write. But now, we write faster than we speak, and faster than we think. Each blog entry is evidently written for days before it is posted, as writers tend to refine their writing before it goes online. So, I believe such an adult as we are, we should be responsible on what we write as we do when we speak.
Friday, 24 March 2017
It is not common in Malaysia to filet your fish. Malaysians usually cook their fish wholly for small and average sized fish like sardines, or in large chunks together with the bones and heads like sea basses. Since I have a toddler, I found out it is easier to filet my fish to avoid her choking from the small fish bones. It is a very tedious job, as if I don't have anything else to do, but for the love of that fish lover lass, I filet the fish most of the time.
So, one day I decided to just fried some average sized mackerels for lunch. And as it was almost 1 o'clock, I thought maybe I'll just filet one fish for my daughter and fry the rest wholly. That'll save looooooooooottttttss of time and perhaps lunch will be ready by the time my husband come home from his work.
And lunch was served, yada yada and I put the filetted fish onto my daughter's plate. She munched a bit, put it back onto her plate, and reached for the wholly-fried fish and finished one. I was like, 'I spent my time and energy to filet that ONE fish for you, and this what you do to me?' And now I realised pain I did to my mom by not eating her cooking for several times because of the time rush, and a few times because she cooked food I don't eat (that can cause me ill). Sorry Mak...and not sorry.
Moral of the story, cook the same food; your food and your kid's food or you'll fall into frustration as I did. And always make a sambal to the side to spice up the food without having to cook twice.
This is one of the dilemmas of a mother with a toddler.
Tuesday, 7 March 2017
This entry is about a small thing that keeps bothering me for some time. It's about outfit. It is very tedious, yes. But sometimes I do think a lot about meaningless things that at times I do missed out the bigger picture, in this case, who do I really want to impress by wearing such outfit?
So, it all began about 10 years ago, when I don't really mind what clothes I need to wear. I was a simple girl. A pair of jeans and a t-shirt will do, in almost any occasion. I wore those everyday, even at home. If I need to go out, I just slipped a tudung, usually black, and at times just skipped that. So, it was easy back then.
After some years, I realised I need to change. As a Muslim woman, you have a dress code that you have to obliged. It is a must. Then, the dilemma began. Wearing long sleeve t-shirt was somewhat uncomfortable that I had constant urge to fold the sleeves up to the middle of my arms. And making sure the length of the t-shirt is wayyyyyy below your bottom, is also a problem to me. It was not cool, not trendy. And most of the t-shirts have cute pattern and all, and I was against cute outfit as I dressed as a rock and metal girl previously.
The main question is, why did I do this in the first place? At times, I did had this feeling of holier-than-thou. Yeah, I dressed to impress others. And that was why I reverted to my old self, actually worst than before.
So, after several ups and downs in life, I looked back and I found out I still not dress as I prefer. It was more to favour others rather than Allah.
No, I'm not going to wear niqab or big bulky black jubah. Not my way. I don't mind anyone who wear those. It's their choice. I even ditched my 'tudung labuh' as I realised I wore those to impress other people. I will just wear anything as long as it agrees the dress code. And most of the time, I'm happy with it.
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Kesimpulannya, semua benda ada baik dan ada buruknya termasuklah benda-benda 'simple' macam ni. Aku bukan nak burukkan program ni. Aku pun suka sebab aku boleh nampak satu lagi sisi anak aku yang lain iaitu minat terhadap muzik, macam aku juga. Aku boleh nampak anak aku cepat menghafal, boleh menyebut perkataan dengan betul, kenal binatang dan objek. Dia pun boleh menyanyi ikut melodi yang betul. Tapi macam aku cakap tadi, kena kawallah. Too much of a good thing can be bad for you.
Tuesday, 21 February 2017
Lepas pantang, aku cuba buat kerja rumah sikit-sikit. Dalam rumah Mak aku, ada Mak, Abah, adik dua orang, anak adik. Ramai orang. Tapi masing-masing buat kerjalah. Makanya kerja rumah sikit sangat kalau aku buat pun. Pun aku dah terbaring kepenatan.
Perkara ni buat aku terfikir berkali-kali; macam mana aku nak 'survive' bila balik rumah sendiri nanti? Mampu ke aku nak uruskan rumah dan anak-anak dengan suami saja? Kalau suami aku kerja, aku nak kena buat sendiri; larat ke? Dah kerja nanti macam mana pula?
Belum buat, dah fikir negatif. Bukan apa. Takut. Takut tak mampu nak pikul tanggungjawab tu. Walaupun sebelum kahwin, dah tahu apa yang akan aku hadapi terutama bila dah ada anak. Tapi rupanya banyak benda yang aku tak tahu, dan pengetahuan berdasarkan pengalaman itu lebih memberi kesan berbanding tahu teori dan dengar cerita daripada pengalaman orang lain. Lain anak, lain kisahnya, lain masalahnya, lain pendekatanannya, lain penyelesaiannya.
Dalam kepenatan buaikan dan dodoikan anak, aku pernah beritahu suami aku, dengan nada 'you-have-to-agree-with-this-fullstop', "Anak ketiga nanti tunggu empat-lima tahun lagilah".
Dan dia senyap tak cakap apa-apa. Tidur dah rupanya.