How Long Will I Live, Actually?

I am worry about lots of things. About myself, especially. Also about others.

Years ago, seemed I already lost my life. I cannot find any way out, and lived like in hell. Everyday is about tears, fear of being hated by all, worry about my parents and their shattered dream, worry of what I'll receive from the sponsor, trying hard to get in good relation with Mak and others, trying to find what is the meaning in life I felt is already hopeless.

I am weak. I really can't go on with all of these. A year had passed, and I am still being shadowed by my past. With things I have today, I feel I'm being pulled to what I was before. I'm trying to feel less sinful doing things, by being ignorance.

Mak said, 'Just let people talk. Your life today is just about study, get the degree. Don't sacrifice your life again for such a thing. You failed once, don't let you fail again.'

Just remembering what I talked with Izat before. We talked about life, what will happen next. I told her, I will go back to Malaysia and redo my degree. No need to pay the cost the sponsor paid for me for the A-level and 2 years of my life in the UK. Just, stick to the program and work for them. I said that with hope, I will be okay, and happy, and relax. (I miss her actually; Woi!! Balik Malaysia contact la aku.)

And we talked about life. About how long we will live. Both of us don't expect a longer life. Less than 30. If I am not mistaken. But even with such expectation, she is doing everything perfectly. She enjoys her life, doing things she loves. I admired people easily, during that time. Just because they live happily.

I thought, why can't I? Why take things negatively? Why lose hope? Why feel so frightful about life?