In this one year, I rethink lots and lots of time. Betul ke aku ni nak jadi macam ni? I mean, pakai tudung labuh, act like a good girl, rajin-rajin mengaji, cuba tak tinggal solat. But the thing is, memang banyak kali juga kalah, banyak kali juga kembali ke perangai asal. Sangat susah nak berubah. Sangat susah nak maintain. And my heart kept saying, you are hypocrite dude!! You don't even act as what you said you are supposed to be. You tend to act as you want you to be, as what you like. And look, each second passed with you committing sins with you realising it is a sin. And you don't really feel guilty about that. Still like before. You are still heartless like before.
Frankly speaking, aku rasa goyah sangat. I said to myself, kenapa susah sangat nak jadi baik? Kenapa suasana macam tak membantu? Kenapa lagi senang jadi macam dulu dan tak perlu nak pening-pening nak jaga semua benda?
But as I kept asking why and why, I already knew the answer. Not the schema answer, but the answer I know by heart and mind, is true.
Masalahnya pada jiwa. Jiwa aku.
I pray to you Allah, help me to be stronger. Bantu aku supaya aku tak jadi sampah semula.
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